Things I'm Not Going to Write About

Since I’m only in the office 3 days this week, I feel obligated to write a blog for each day I’m here (on my lunch hour, of course). The problem is, I’m so focused on my big golf challenge this coming Friday that I can’t think of anything else to write about. So, I decided that instead of just writing nothing, I’m going to make a list of things that I’m not going to write about today. Here we go

1) I’m not going to write about my dear, sweet, innocent Lindsay Lohan being sent to prison for 90 days and then to a 90 day inpatient rehab facility. This is a BS sentence and was only passed down because the judge is jealous of LiLo’s beauty, fantastic body, supreme acting skills, and ability to drink a proud Irishman under the table. Judge, it was only a couple of DUI’s, a little cocaine, and 9 out of 28 missed alcohol ed classes… don’t we all make mistakes?

2) I’m not going to write about the World Cup. Once the US got knocked out, I remembered that I think soccer is boring to watch. Sorry cousin Ryan, but once my patriotism runs out, so does my interest.

3) I’m not going to write about how back in high school Kathy Morgan used to call me at all hours of the night BEGGING me to go on a date with her. Pathetic Kathy. Really pathetic.

4) I’m not going write about that 4 year old girl who was abducted and then found 70 miles away from her home unharmed. I’m also not going to tell her parents and all parents who may read this that even if you are the winners of the “Best Parents in the World” trophy 10 years running, we can all be better parents. Hug and kiss your children every chance you get.

5) I’m not going to write about the Cardinals utter collapse last night where they gave up 9 runs with one out in the 9th inning to lose the game. I’m not writing about it because quite frankly, the Cubs are horrible this year and even though the Cardinals got their asses handed to them late in the game, they’re still in contention for the division.

6) I’m also not going to write about how even though the previous statement is true, it sure is funny to watch the overly-used phrase “cardinal nation” freak out about one game like it’s the end of the world.

7) I’m not going to write about how cool it is when you get a kiddie pool for your child, and then once they go to bed, you and your wife use it to sit in while drinking beer on a hot summer night.

8) I’m also not going to write about how that mere fact alone has more than likely solidified our membership into the Southern Illinois White Trash Association.

9) I’m not going to write about how the Italian beef that I had for lunch was a little pink and I’m really curious about what’s going to happen to my stomach for the rest of the day.

10) I’m not going to write about how I caught Kathy Morgan in my garage the other night trying to bend all of my golf clubs so that my swing would be off this Friday for our golf challenge. Cheaters never prosper, Kathy

11) I’m not going to write about my recent infatuation with Garth Brooks. As a rocker at heart, admitting to liking country music used to be an unforgivable sin. Now, I’ll justify it by saying that some of the greatest rockers ever were inspired by early country artists. I have no evidence whatsoever to back that up, but it sounds legit so I’ll keep it.

12) I’m not going to write about my facial hair – ever again.

13) I’m not going to write about Lebron James. While the sensationalist part of me is interested because it’s the current “big news”, in the long term I’m not going to give a poop where he ends up, who’s going with him, how many titles he wins, and his place amongst basketball’s best players ever. Once they start playing basketball again in that league, maybe I’ll care.

14) I’m not going to write about the fact that I just realized how old I’m getting by complaining that “something now isn’t as good as what it used to be”

15) I’m not going to write about how the Italian beef is beginning to make its presence known

16) I’m not going to write about my recent addiction to chocolate. Whether it be Snickers, Kit Kat,3 Musketeers, Junior Mints, or Peppermint Patties, I must have chocolate at least once a day

17) I’m also not going to write about how maybe the chocolate thing just means that it’s my time of the month

18) I’m not going to write about the MTV series “The Hard Times of RJ Berger” and how hysterically funny it is. I’m also not going to write about how ridiculously hot Amber Lancaster is. It’s okay, she’s 20 – Wikipedia confirmed it.

19) I’m not going to write about how even though any idiot with an account can post “information” to Wikipedia, I still accept most things that I read on there as fact. If there was a page about me that listed me as a 4’5’ woman with a horrible cause of scurvy, I would more than likely believe it.

20) I’m not going to write about my disappointment that they are tearing down the old BAC Quad theatre in Belleville, IL. I’m also not going to list all of the girls that I’ve kissed either in that theatre or behind it.

21) I’m not going to write about the fact that the above statement makes me sound both douchey and cool at the same time, I think the number is really only two. Or maybe three.

22) I’m not going to write about how back in the day I used to be able to tell you exactly how many girls I’d kissed, and in the exact order I’d kissed them. I’d like to say I lost track because of the infinite amount of girls that the list turned into, but in all actuality I lost track because the list was not that impressive – quantity wise, not quality wise. Anyone who was gracious enough to make out with me was definitely high-quality in my book.

23) I’m not going to write about how I just remembered one that was not high-quality. Gross. Oh well, we all have our dry spells.

24) I’m not going to write about the oil spill. I’m done with it. Maybe it would be easier if they just found a way to get the water out of the oil’s way.

25) I’m not going to write about how Kathy Morgan is responsible for the oil spill.

26) I’m not going to write about how I haven’t seen Truckballs on the road in a while nor will I write about my role in the reason for his absence.

27) I’m not going to write about Joel McHale. His day will come.

28) I’m not going to write about my urge this morning as Neil Diamond’s “Sweet Caroline” was blasting into my head via my iPod to start dancing around the street and sidewalk and singing at the top of my lungs West Side Story style in order to get the other commuters to join along and brighten everyone’s day.

29) I’m also not going to write about how the only thing that stopped me was the fact that I can neither sing nor dance. The will was there, the ability was not.

30) I’m not going to write about how Kathy Morgan killed Jesus


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