Not Gay

Every time I scan through the pictures on my cell phone I am reminded of one clear cut medically proven fact – I am not gay. I’m not claiming joy or depression at that fact nor am I passing judgment on those who are, those who aren’t, or those who aren’t quite sure. I am just stating the fact that, due to my doctor’s due diligence, it has been medically determined that I am not gay.

Around ten years or so ago I moved with my buddy Chris into his newly bought condo in Bellevegas, IL. In retrospect, I guess that I wasn’t sure the true nature of my intentions regarding moving in with Chris. He was, after all, my best friend and I liked him a lot. In addition, I had not been to the doctor yet to run the appropriate tests to determine that I, in fact, wasn’t gay so who knows what would have happened had I not gone. I’m pretty sure that I just wanted to move out of my parent’s house though.

It was also at this time that I started experiencing sleeplessness and severe night sweats. I had always had problems with waking up multiple times in the middle of the night, but it was getting really bad at this point and, combined with the addition of the night sweats and a loss of appetite, I began to worry a little about my health. Plus, the night sweats really worried me because now that I was living with my buddy in a bachelor pad I might want to have a girl (or guy – hadn’t been to the doctor yet) over to stay the night and, provided we did any sleeping at all, I would not want for her/him to wake up in a puddle of my sweat. After a few weeks of this and a conversation with my parents (Dad thought I was just homesick, but I think he was missing me instead), I decided to go to the doctor and find out what was going on.

After the normal waiting and waiting (and waiting) for the doctor to enter the examination room he finally arrived, sat down, avoided eye-contact at all costs, opened up my file, and asked what was going on. I was used to this approach as he has never been overly friendly and has had what I determine to be a dislike for me ever since I had gone in with a fake back injury in an attempt to get out of some work at my payroll job. After I started going over my symptoms, I noticed that his ears perked up a little and his eyes actually showed a little bit of interest in what I was saying. I’m assuming that he was fearing the worst (gay), because he quickly took out his stethoscope and checked my heart rate and my breathing. He then looked in my ears and down my throat and gave my lymph nodes a little groping before he moved on the next part of his very thorough examination - the questions.

My doctor, being an older man, doesn’t seem to grasp a lot of things in today’s world. I’ve been going to him for a while and he just doesn’t seem to embrace the modern times and the changes in society. I’m not saying that he is fearful of gay people, but I’m also not saying that he would have a welcoming party if he found out that a gay couple was moving into his neighborhood. I know that it’s a rash judgment to make of someone who I only encounter whenever I have the flu or whenever I need to be felt up while I cough, but something in his voice told me that whatever answer I gave him to his next question was going to solidify his opinion of me for the entire time I was under his care.

After clearing his throat but not being able to shake the nervous tremble, he asked “are you gay?”

My first reaction had been to laugh. I had never been gay. I had never thought about being gay. Sure, I had done some things that might be misconstrued as “gay”, but they were never done with homosexual intent. I was fairly sure that I liked women and only women, but on the other hand, I had never really thought much about it. I mean, I had never had the urge to kiss a man, but I could definitely pick an attractive man out of a lineup. Then, I began to think of all of the men that, if I had to, I would label as attractive. Was it too many? Did the doctor know something that I didn’t? Did he hear something in my lungs that made me gay? Was I a homosexual man living the life of a straight man and I didn’t even know it? I began to panic a little. What if the sleeplessness and the night sweats were a result of being gay and I just didn’t know it? If his prognosis was that I was, in fact, gay, would I still be able to date women? I mean, I really, really, really, liked girls (still do) and I would be super bummed if the doctor told me that I had to start dating men. Wait. I liked women. This is insane. It was this line of thinking that led me to my answer of “No.”

Happy with my answer, I thought that we were through the rough part and maybe he’d now draw some blood or something to determine the true cause of my symptoms. Unfortunately for me, he had something else in mind.

He looked me straight in the eye and said, “I have to ask you this one more time: Are you a homosexual?”

What did he know that I didn’t?!!? He had only checked my heart rate, breathing, ears, and throat. Did I breathe gay? Did my heart beat to more of a rhythm than a straight man’s heart? I’m not even going to go into what he thought he might have seen in my throat because that was NOT an option. I liked women and knew that I liked them and whatever this old fart thought about the possibility of me being gay and whatever illnesses that might be a result of that are…

Oh.

Suddenly, my senses came back and I realized why he was asking these questions of me and why he had the trepidation in his voice. It was then, after having to clear my throat but not being able to shake the nervous tremble that I answered “No, I’m not gay.”

Luckily for me, that was enough for my doctor. He quickly scribbled something in my file, said I’d be fine, left the office, and that was it. He didn’t take any blood, he didn’t order me out for x-rays, and he didn’t have me go next door to the hospital for a cat scan. In fact, he did nothing. I’m still not sure what was wrong with me that caused the sleeplessness and the night sweats. I’m still not sure why nothing more was even mentioned or why more questions weren’t asked of me. What I am sure of though, is that I’m not gay. I’m saying that as a negative or positive thing, I’m just stating a fact. I’m also not declaring it based on my line of reasoning from above or my love of women (well, just one woman these days). Instead, I’m basing it on what is forever written in my medical file and boxed in right in the middle of the page. Right in the middle, plain as day and medically proven based on the repetition of one very tough question are the two words that were so prominent that I had to take a picture of with my cell phone:


Not Gay


I was so relieved.

So is my wife.

Thanks for reading