The Century Club

Back when I began writing this blog, I had no idea how long I would be doing it. I didn’t really have a plan in mind as to how many blogs I’d write or even what I would continue writing about. Luckily for me, I tend to mess up quite regularly which provides me with plenty of fodder for stories of both my current excursions and of past indiscretions. And even when I don’t have anything about myself to share, I’m lucky enough to have Hollywood types who screw up often enough to fill the void in the meantime. So, when I saw that I was approaching 100 blog entries I wanted to do something as equally big as it was stupid to properly commemorate such an event. As a result, I decided to attempt to join the Century Club.

For those not aware, the Century Club is achieved when someone successfully drinks one shot of beer per minute for 100 consecutive minutes. Yes, it’s stupid and accomplished mostly at frat parties and high schooler’s houses while their parents are out of town for the weekend, but it was something that seemed appropriate for me to do at this point in my life based on my love of stupid and immature things. I quickly gathered some friends to do it with me, set the date, and announced it to the world via this very blog. I immediately regretted my decision but was willing to go through with it anyway. I wanted to do it for you.

Finally, after much hoopla and international press coverage, the day had arrived for this debacle to occur. In any attempt to achieve a goal as lofty of one as the Century Club, one must take certain proactive measures to ensure that he or she has as sporting of a chance as humanly possible. My proactive measures included plans to rest throughout the day, eat meals loaded with as much bacon and the associated grease as possible, and taking the next day (actually the entire week) off of work to sleep in as late as possible in order to nurse the hangover that was sure to follow.

Another way that I prepared for this event was that I created a playlist on my iPod of 100 songs that lasted one minute long each. It was a painstaking process to pick out just 100 songs from my entire catalog of music and then set the start/stop time on each to be only one minute long, but I believed in the cause and was willing to go above and beyond the call of duty to make it special for everyone involved. I carefully placed each song to play at certain points during the contest (When I’m 64 for the 64th song) and even wrote down the list so that when I watched the video later on I would be able to reference which song was playing and know exactly which shot we were on at the time. That’s right people – I’m a thinker and a planner.

As the day of the event rolled on my mind began to attempt to talk me out of doing this. I thought continuously about sending a text to my boys and telling them that I was sick or that Carol had to work that night in order to get out of drinking myself into a drunken stupor. I ate my greasy meals just to be safe, but still didn’t want to go through with it. It wasn’t that I wanted to punk out, but I was really, reeeeeaaaallllllyyyyy dreading how I was going to feel the next day. On top of that I had received a call from DirecTV to tell me that a technician would be at my house anywhere from 8 until noon the next day to install my HD satellite so any chance I had of sleeping off my inevitable head throbbing punishment was out the window. I even called Carol at one point to get her to talk me out of doing it, but she essentially called me a big pussy and said that I needed to nut up and do it. I hate her sometimes. So, after an afternoon filled with relaxing and playing Star Wars: The Force Unleashed II for my Wii, the time came and I went over to Jeff’s to destroy my liver in an attempt to make my readers once again laugh at my expense.

The participants were people that have been mentioned before in my previous blogs. Chris and Dan have both been mentioned seversl times before and are two of my oldest friends in the world. The other participant, Shawn, is a friend and co-worker of my other buddy Jeff who was hosting the event at his home. Shawn’s been around before and is a good guy. He’s younger than the rest of us and wears his pants hanging off his ass, but he doesn’t act like a punk and is respectful to his elders. And, given some of the idiots Jeff has brought around in the past, that is greatly appreciated. The only other people there were Jeff, as it was at his house, and my sister Melissa who decided against most people’s better judgment to weather the storm of drunken testosterone and videotape it for us. I secretly think that my mother sent her along so that there would be a trusted source to get me to the hospital if need be, but we’ll get to that later…

So without further ado, the following is something closely resembling a shot by shot analysis of what occurred on that fateful night. I didn’t list all of the shots in the beginning because four sober guys sitting around drinking little shots of beer isn’t that exciting, but it definitely picks up towards the end. It isn’t pretty and a LOT has been left out to protect the innocent, but this is what I am legally allowed to share with you at this time. Please enjoy my 100th blog: The Century Club.

#1: The first shot goes down smooth. I really had no doubt that it wouldn’t but I had had a few drinks the night before in preparation for this event. Oh, who am I kidding? I was on vacation and would have been drinking the night before regardless or preparation or not. Either way, the Stag was tasty and I knew I was in for a good night. Dan begins making tallies in a notebook to keep track of how many shots we’ve all taken.

#2: Disappointment has already set in. Remember that playlist I made with the carefully placed songs? Well, in my efforts to prepare everything I had forgotten to turn off the “shuffle” option on my iPod so after the first song it just picked songs from my list randomly. To change it now would throw off our timing mechanism for the evening and nullify the officiality of the event. All that hard work down the drain. Damnit.

#4: Me “This is cake!”
Chris “No, this is beer.”
Jackass

#11: Me “11% there – this is nothing.” I also grabbed the container that they use in hospitals for dudes to pee under the sheets which my sister had so thoughtfully gotten me for Christmas and jokingly put it under the table as if I had to pee. I really didn’t have to. It also wasn’t very funny. What was funny was the discussion going on about the time Dan did a strikeout over at the condos and began doing magic tricks and speaking in tongues. I can’t legally tell you what a strikeout is.

#12: Me - “Beers kicking in.” I had no idea what I was talking about. The beer had not yet even begun to fight. But fear not, it would soon enough.

#14: As the song starts to alert us to another shot, I break into “Josie’s on a vacation far away…” That is the only part of that song that I like and I sing it at the top of my lungs every time. That will be a trend that will follow me for the rest of the evening – and not in a good way.

#15: Dan told us a heartwarming tale of how his niece has a bad gag reflex and how if she even smells food that disagrees with her she’ll start gagging in a funny way. On Christmas, apparently the gagging turned into puking which almost made Dan’s brother Tim die of laughter. Dan and Tim are pretty messed up in the head which is why we get along so well.

#21: It is announced that the rags on the table were Shawn’s idea. Shawn agrees with this. I only mention this because Shawn doesn’t say much and I wanted to give him some credit.

#22: I received a funny text from someone but neglected to share it with the group. While I was reading it, Chris was talking to Jeff about mounting his flatscreen TV on the wall. I looked anything but interested at the exchange.

#23: Chris and I discuss the John Lennon Christmas song and pit is against the Paul McCartney Christmas song. We both agree that Paul’s sucks and was only allowed to be recorded because he was a Beatle.

#24: Jeff, as someone who is allergic to carbonation and has never been drunk off of beer in his life, says that we should have just rented a keg and done this with draft beer. We all promptly tell him to fuck off.

#26: Over two beers in and over a quarter of the way done. We are rocking it and showing no signs of slowing down. The beer is flowing, the burps are flying, and Chris is talking about how they’re (I have no idea who “they” are) making a Beastie Boys movie. Dan receives a notification of a Facebook comment from his brother-in-law Ed and before he tells us what it says, Chris guesses that it is about some horribly greasy food that Ed had just eaten or is about to eat and I guess that he is being sarcastic or cynical again. We are both wrong as Ed actually posted that we should be trying this with Four Loco instead. Any other time, one of us would have been right.

#27: Kanye West’s “Stronger” comes on and I start dancing in my seat. I also begin a story about “that month that I went to the gym.” I never finished the story as apparently the punch line came out first and had everyone laughing.

#28: Jeff farts – loudly. Dan almost gags which brings another imitation of his niece from the previous story. Shawn says something inaudible. We’re beginning to get noticeably drunk.

#30: Amy Winehouse’s “Rehab” comes on the radio and we all get strangely quiet. Eerily quiet.

#31: I know a little too much about rock stars and their porn star wives/girlfriends.

#32: Shawn declares that he loves sluts, Chris is burping loud and often, and Dan – the bartender – can’t pour a shot of beer in his glass to save his life. Good thing Shawn had the idea for those towels. He looks proud.

#34: Me - “I need to dance.” This is a bad omen. 66 shots left to go and I’m audibly declaring my need to get my groove on. For the record I have ZERO groove and even if I did it does not EVER need to be gotten on.

Somewhere in this period we stopped talking about what shot we were on so I have no record of it. I can tell you that we had a funny conversation about Fats Domino and how during hurricane Katrina they found him clinging to a raft which turned into a joke about him being the raft and the raft and other people clinging onto him for dear life. That made Dan make a joke about Fats Domino floating down the Mississippi and me asking if he saw Jeff Buckley down there. Sounds cruel and unfunny now, but at that point it was hysterical. We managed to insult fat people, Katrina victims, and dead rock stars all in the course of a 1 minute conversation. We are assholes.

The mention of Mississippi also brought up stories of another night in which we were all together recording farts into a microphone on Dan’s computer while making fun of lispers and certain people who may or may not have been left for dead in a patch of bushes. We’re all going to hell.

At this point, I try to convince Chris that he has to pee. He’s not buying it,

#41: Back on track. I begin to question how much beer I have left and if I have enough to last me to the end, whenever that may be. Dan wonders aloud if Eddie Vedder will see his posts about the Century Club on Facebook. Chris mentions that January 3 will be his 33 1/3 birthday, which for a vinyl collector might be a pretty cool thing. I am a vinyl collector myself and told him that that may be the gayest shit I’ve ever heard. Dan plays catch-up on his tallies. He was about 10 behind.

#42: I tell a story about how I crushed my scrotum on Christmas. My sister loves hearing stories about my junk.

#43: Chris asks when the next Crunk Whitey practice is. Silence ensues.

#45: Jeff interrupts a story that Dan was telling about a girl he recently kissed to brag about the fact that he had once “been with her.” I was quick to remind him that she also started crying halfway through the experience. That shut him up pretty quickly.

#47: From watching the tape I become painfully aware that I can’t listen to any song that I know without singing at least part of it at the top of my lungs. I also light up what seems to be my 5th cigarette of the evening. I don’t think there was a time over the course of the entire evening where I didn’t have one burning. That explains a lot about the next day.

#48: Chris announces that we’re halfway there. I remind him that it’s only 48 and he gives me the snotty response that two doesn’t really make that much of a difference. Did I mention that Chris works for a bank?

#51: Dan has awesome idea #3. Did I mention that Dan has been writing down “awesome ideas” in his notebook as the night has gone on? Awesome idea #1 was to download some Amy Winehouse songs and have a baby. I’m not sure what the others are, but this third one leads to Dan telling a story about how his Dad got a Snuggie for Christmas and how he was upset that it didn’t tie in the back. When asked why he wanted it to tie in the back he responded “so my butt doesn’t get cold.” Dan’s mom then responded with “well that explains the skid marks on the recliner.” Good stuff.

#54: I have to pee, but I hold it.

#55: Melissa and Jeff make a $5 bet about who will pee first. Melissa picks me because I’m looking and acting slightly intoxicated and Jeff picks Shawn because he’s smaller than the rest of us and probably can’t hold as much beer inside as we can. The decision is made that Melissa must follow anyone who pees into the bathroom with the camera to verify that they don’t miss a shot in case they don’t finish urinating in time.

#57: Dan is the first to pee. Melissa respectfully declines to follow him outside and document the proceedings.

#58: Dan barely makes it back in time to do his next shot. I start rapping to the Ludacris song that is on the radio. My sister gets a closeup of me doing this. I am apparently very, very white. Additionally, Jeff has turned on the faucet to coerce us each into peeing.

#59: We realize that the water is running and have a good laugh, but not before I run out of the room to relieve myself. I thank him with a loud “fuck you, Jeff!”

#61: I purposely try to annoy everyone by tapping my shot glass against the table for an excessive amount of time. We then begin to discuss our old high school buddy Eric and the zip-line that he had in his parents back yard. I mention that he’s now in a cult but Chris corrects me and tells me that he’s Buddhist. Chris knows this kind of stuff so I believe him.

#62: I look around my immediate area for the second tape for the camcorder as the first is running out. I am hammered and it shows. I finally find the tape. It was in a bag at my feet. Crisis averted.

#64: Dan has great idea #4. I have no idea what it is.

#65: Jeff ruins Fast and the Furious 4 by telling me that Michelle Rodriguez’s character dies. I personally had no idea that there was even a Fast and Furious 3 much less that Michelle Rodriguez was in any of them. Either way, he ruined it for me and I will now never watch it. I’m not all that disappointed.

#66 We have a discussion on Mark Wahlberg ranging from his acting ability to his sense of humor about Andy Samburg’s “Mark Wahlberg talks to animals” skit to his refusal to speak to anyone who refers to him as Marky Mark. I find it amazing how with each shot, the conversation changes dramatically and we all follow along as if we had scheduled this particular topic ahead of time. Well, except for Shawn – he isn’t saying much at all. I’m pretty sure he is the first one to cross the “shit-faced” line.

#67: Jamiroquai’s “Canned Heat” comes on the radio and I stand up to do my Napoleon Dynamite dance. No one cares. Shawn finally pees.

#68 Shawn doesn’t really make it back to do his shot on time, but we don’t care at this point. We’re too busy making fun of his backwards hat and pants around his ass. Chris goes back to 1994 to borrow the word “spoda.” We laugh. Shawn doesn’t retaliate.

#69: I realized through watching this that I have either sung, danced, table drummed, or done some sort of combination of the three to every song that has come on the radio. No one looks very annoyed which leads me to believe either I wasn’t as annoying as I find myself or my friends are so used to it that they don’t even notice anymore. Either way, I find that I am an annoying drunk.

#70: John Denver’s “Thank God I’m a Country Boy” just came on and solidified my previous statement. On a side note, Chris is now wearing my empty twelve pack box as a hat.

#71: We decide to go to Shawn’s neighborhood when we’re done to go Christmas Caroling. Jeff comes into the room dressed as Willy Wonka. Things are getting really weird.

#72: I spill beer while pouring my shot for the first time that evening.

#73: Dan and Shawn are laughing hysterically at something. I’m gonna guess it’s me. I light up cigarette number 24 of the night.

#75: I announce that I had planned to be passed out by now but will keep on going to the end. I sound serious. Dan also announces Awesome Idea #7. Once again, I have no idea what it was nor do I know what happened to Awesome Idea’s #5 and #6.

#76: Me - “I need to sneeze, burp, or throw up. Not sure.”

#77: My facial expression has turned to one of extreme discomfort. I was pretty sure I could finish this thing, but you’d never know by looking at me. Melissa and Jeff mention that Chris hasn’t peed yet. Jeff turns on the faucet to expedite that process.

#78: Melissa refers to an Air Supply song as a Bonnie Tyler song. She is no sister of mine…

#79: My body shows nothing but severe discomfort, but I still have a shit-eating grin on my face so I must have been having a good time. I have to rely on the videotape to recall anything past this point. Actually, anything past #30 is kind of a blur, but I don’t remember anything past this point.

#80: I take another drag of what must have been my 74th cigarette of the night. Luckily, it had gone out and I wasn’t even actually smoking it. Unfortunately, after about four or five unsuccessful drags I finally realized that fact and relit it. Ugh.

#81: Dan gets up to pee again. I text something to someone and then sneeze violently.

#82: Dan is nowhere close to making it back on time for his shot, but nobody cares. He does it when he sits down and we all move on. I am in the middle of an extreme sneezing fit and everyone is laughing at me. For all of these distractions though, I still don’t miss a shot.

#83: I’m still sneezing and Chris informs us that Miley Cyrus smoked a Chia Pet. We believe him.

#84: Another sneeze. This is getting re-goddamn-diculous.

#86: I’m still sneezing. While watching this video I try to remember sneezing that night and I can’t recall it in the least. According to the tape I’ve been sneezing for five minutes now. I should really remember that kind of thing. Shouldn’t I?

#87: Barry Manilow’s “Looks Like We Made It” comes on the radio. This was supposed to be the last song of the evening and, as a result, was set to go longer than the minute that we needed from it at this time. Luckily, Jeff and Melissa were there to watch a clock and skip to the next song somewhere closely resembling the one minute mark. I’m hammered, Dan has on his serious face, Shawn is eerily silent, and Chris seems perfectly normal - except for the beer box hat that he is still wearing on his head.

#88: I’m annoying myself while watching me sing every damn song that comes on. I’m not even having conversations with anyone anymore. I’m just singing, drinking, and shouting out declaratives such as “I’m not feeling so good.” I light cigarette #82.

#89: Chris finally pees. C’mon, you can’t make it 11 more shots? Pansy!

#90: Chris doesn’t even come close to making it back in time for his next shot. He does, however, finish it before the next song starts so it’s all good. Dan is obliterated and has lost all ability to remember if he did his last shot or not. His tallies are a thing of the past and he hasn’t had an awesome idea in awhile. Together, though, we press on. My sister also informs me at this time that my mother has texted her twice asking if I’m okay and if we’re done or not. I knew Melissa was a mole…

#91: Dan questions if I did my last shot or not. I have no idea, but argue with him just the same. According to the videotape, I did do it. Dan then looks at the camera, points to Shawn and mouths “he’s really fucked up!” Shawn doesn’t speak. He drinks, but doesn’t speak.

#92: Me - “Jeff, I like your couch. I’m gonna pass out on it.” This was not so much a plan as it was a fact.

#93: I pee again. Dan announces that when this is over he’s going to go into Jeff’s bathroom and poop. Jeff tells him to make sure that there is water in the back tank first. Dan threatens to do an upper decker. I believe him.

#95: The shots seem to be coming rapid fire now. Me – “Fuck, this is fast. I’m gonna puke. I’m gonna make it, but I’m gonna puke.” I also notice that I’m not singing anymore. That is good and that is bad. I think I was scared to open my mouth as the burps seemed to be getting more and more chunky.

#96: Lip syncing has taken the place of singing. The room is utter chaos and everyone is talking over everyone else. I light up another cigarette. How have I not puked by now?

#97: Dan makes the most obvious statement ever with “none of us is getting laid tonight.” I start singing again and immediately grab my puke bucket. I don’t know if I was joking or not. I didn’t puke.

#98: I try dancing in my chair only to exclaim “movement is bad.” Words are difficult at this point and my sentences offer the bare minimum. Two more to go. Thank God.

#99: Melissa is seriously concerned about Shawn. He has not said a word in at least a half hour and seems to be staying conscious for the sole purpose of taking his next shot. He may be dead for all we know, but he’s keeping up. What a trooper. Plus, he had the idea of putting towels on the table.

#100: And with the quick flip of the wrist, we all take our last shots. We did it. We all did it. We start slapping high fives and congratulating each other on a job well done. Shawn isn’t moving, but he’s awake so we count that as a plus. After a little more celebration another song curiously comes on the radio which leads us to think that maybe we miscounted and still owe a shot. Jeff offers the suggestion that to be sure we should all just chug whatever beer we have left. We hate Jeff at this point and tell him so.

I would tell you what happened after the event, but as soon as I stood up the beer really took ahold of me. The camera was promptly turned off after #100 so I have no idea as to what occurred, but I did hear rumblings. Rumor has it that we played some Guitar Hero and ordered pizza, but the only proof I have of that was the plate in front of me in the morning with piles of crusts and onions that only I would have pulled off the pizza. Apparently I passed out on Jeff’s couch pretty quickly after the pizza and didn’t move again until the next morning when I woke up with a small headache and an incredible urge to pee. After peeing I quickly straightened up Jeff’s kitchen and made my way home so that I would be there for the DirecTV guy. Oddly enough I wasn’t that hungover, but I could definitely tell that I had been drinking the night before. All in all, I consider the event a success – especially because I didn’t puke.

I’d like to thank Chris, Dan, and Shawn for participating in the event with me. I’d also like to thank Jeff for hosting the evening and Melissa for both videotaping it and for lying to my mother about how drunk I actually was. Finally, I’d like to thank you, my readers, for making me want to do something this stupid. I enjoy writing every blog that I post and I enjoy your response to it whether it be in the form of a comment on the post or a compliment when I see you. Please continue to encourage me to do this or, if you get sick of me, tell me that I’ve overstayed my welcome and need to shut the laugh factory down. I won’t listen to you because my ego is WAY too big to listen to your idiotic suggestions, but I will appreciate your efforts.

I look forward to whatever idiotic thing I’m gonna do for 200. Let’s hope my liver doesn’t explode in the meantime.

And, as always, thank you so much for reading