Don’t-mess-with-me-or-you’ll-feel-the-wrath-of-my-numerous-superpowers Christmas

Hi. My name is Kevin. Every kid has one Christmas that he’ll never forget, and mine happened last year when I was 15 during what I like to call the “Don’t-mess-with-me-or-you’ll-feel-the-wrath-of-my-numerous-superpowers Christmas.” You see, ever since last Christmas when Grandma got me the EZ Bake Oven (my old one had to be retired due to overuse), I have been sitting around making delicious delectable goodies for myself and my imaginary friend Roger carefully contemplating my requests for next year. I knew that the EZ Bake Oven was a fun (and well used) present, but I was getting older now and needed to make some necessary changes in my life. As I licked the icing off of my 7th cupcake of the afternoon, I ran my fingers with the remaining icing on them through my kick-ass Great Clips haircut and that’s when it hit me: I needed to change who I am.

Now, I wasn’t thinking about going on a diet or joining a gym, as that seemed like a lot of work. What I was thinking of was obtaining superpowers. I figured that with random superpowers I would be able to lift heavy things, fly around the world, and use my heat vision to warm up my EZ Bake Oven that much faster. Also, with my new superpowers I would be able to use my light saber or nun chucks to finally make Colby Richards shut his stupid mouth about how many deserts I take in the lunch line. So help me God if I hear “Hey Lunchbox! There’s a 5 piece limit on the pie” one more time, I’m going to tell on him and get him sent to detention. Of course, I watch a lot of TV and I’ve seen the Breakfast Club a bunch of times and don’t want him to be able to have that much fun on a Saturday, so I probably would never tell on him. But, with my new superpowers, I would be able to do some kick-ass ninja like stuff to him that would make him cry like I do every night before I go to bed. Yeah, I needed to get some superpowers.

I wasn’t sure exactly what superpowers I should ask for, so I went into my room. By the way, my room has an awesome “No Girls” sign on the door. My younger brother says that’s because no girl other than Mom has ever been in there, but he’s wrong. When I had my second grade birthday party at the house, the girl in my class that showed up walked in thinking it was the bathroom but she was wrong. She said the smell confused her, but either way there has been a girl in my room, so screw you Owen. You don’t know anything! Anyway, when I got in my room I got out all of my Dungeons and Dragons cards and looked to see what powers would be most beneficial to me and my needs. After a few hours of studying, a few cupcakes, and a nap, I finally figured out exactly what I wanted and made my Christmas list for Santa.

The list looked like this

1) Ability to fly
2) X ray Vision
3) Awesome Ninja skills
4) A friend
5) Another EZ Bake Oven
6) A disguise of some sort (preferably a mask as they are very deceptive)
7) Weapons of war
8) A slow painful death for Colby Richards and everyone else involved with the “eat all of the pie in the lunch line before Kevin gets there” day.
Seeing that it was only June, I had awhile to wait before Christmas (and all of the delicious Christmas cookies) got there. In the meantime, I waited patiently by creating new sugary goodness in my new EZ Bake oven (the one Grandma got me for Christmas had broken again do to overuse – they really need to make those more durable as I use mine at least 4 times a day) and playing D&D with my imaginary friend Roger. As Christmas time approached, I got more and more excited and about my eventual super powered rampage on Colby Richards and all of the other guys who thought it would be funny to get everyone to sit on the opposite side of the school bus from me to “even out the weight.” This was going to be super awesome!

On Christmas morning, I couldn’t wait until I got downstairs to see what Santa had brought me. Mom told me a couple of years ago that Santa wasn’t real, but I’m not too sure about that. I’ve also been told that Star Wars wasn’t real, but people only think that because it happened a long time ago in a galaxy far far away. We have no way to prove that they weren’t real because they’re all dead. The only way to get scientific evidence, I suppose, would be if a piece of the Death Star were to land on earth, but that probably won’t happen. Either that or if Bigfoot ends up being a Wookie. Either way, I guess.

Anyway, when I got downstairs I saw that Santa had come the previous night (see, told you he’s real) and I ran right over to my presents. As I sat down, out of breath due to the 10 foot jog from the stairs to the tree, I began to rip open my presents with squeals of glee. I can’t tell you exactly what I got because that would ruin my disguises, but I can show you the above picture to give you a little preview of the awesomeness that I have become. I tried using this costume to sneak up and kick Colby Richard’s butt, but he said that he knew I was there due to the wheezing and the smell of moldy cheese. After my broken nose heals, I’m gonna try it again.


Editors Note: If you can't see the picture I've attached to this, the story will sound even dumber than it actually is.