The 7 Reasons Why Kathy "Beat"Me

Okay, here it is. Last Friday, Kathy Morgan and I played 9 holes of golf at Elmwood Golf Course in Belleville, IL and according to the final score on the scorecard, she beat me. It wasn’t a dominating effort on either one of our parts, but as the final scorecard proved, Kathy shot a 63 and I shot a 65. After talking so much trash and building up my inevitable victory the way that I did, I figured the gentlemanly thing to do at this point was to tuck my tale between my legs, congratulate Kathy on a hard fought victory, and be extra careful not to let myself talk myself into as humiliating a situation as I now find myself. I want to be the bigger person here.

That is, until I read this: http://adventuresofpippip.wordpress.com/2010/07/09/the-match-of-the-year/

You did well until the end Kathy. If I had won you know I would have taken the high road, but since you had to get that little dig in, I’ve been left with no choice but to tell the real story and let everyone know:

The 7 Reasons Why Kathy “Beat” Me

1) First, as any golfer knows, a tee-time is when the first golfer is taking their first shot. The tee time is not some random time where you can start golfing anywhere around there and still be within the good graces of the golf gods. I tee time is an exact time. Hence, when I set up the tee time for 9:00, I arrived at the golf course at 8:40 in order to get my bag ready, get the cart prepared, settle in, and get my game face on. By 9:00 I was ready to golf but there was still no sign of Kathy. At 9:07 I received a text from Kathy letting me know that she had just gotten there. This change in my tee off time flustered me as I was obviously golfing with someone who had no respect for the game. This threw me off of my game.

2) Being the gentlemen that I am, I drove the cart to Kathy’s car to prevent her from having to lug her golf bag all the way down to where I was seated. As Kathy was leaning into her car, something bright and pink caught my eye and I realized what it was. Kathy was wearing bright pink underwear which was sticking WAY out of the top of her shorts. It was so bright, in fact, that it partially blinded me – something that I would have trouble recuperating from for the next 3 hours. This threw me off of my game.

3) As we got to the first hole (with Kathy’s underwear still blinding me), I went to the tee and took my first shot. Kathy was very accurate in her description of this as the ball went straight up in the air and to the right. At this point (and only because the course was empty and there was no one waiting on us) I decided to take a mulligan. For anyone who is unaware of what a mulligan is, it’s a BS rule for people to pretend that a horrible shot did not happen and then take it over. I love this rule. I didn’t want to take it on my first shot, but I also didn’t want to start off on a bad foot. Kathy immediately questioned my mulligan (after, I might add, declaring that she had no idea how to keep score in golf) which threw me off my game. Still, after the first hole, I was winning.

4) On the third hole, I began feeling a little woozy. I didn’t understand as I had eaten breakfast, was drinking Gatorade, and was in generally good health. I figured it would pass and got out of the cart to take my tee shot. At that point, I stumbled a little bit, fell down, and was greeted with riotous laughter from Kathy. Apparently, she had spiked me Gatorade with LSD in an attempt to throw me off my game. It worked.

5) On the fourth hole, with the LSD beginning to take full effect, I had a conversation with a hippopotamus that was in my way and asked him to leave. He gladly hopped on his unicycle and rode away with a cloud of banana cream pies following closely behind. Once he was removed, I took my tomato, placed it on the fork, and swung my garter snake at. The tomato went about 150 yards down the fairway and I got back into my canoe to paddle down the fairway and take my next shot. I think the LSD was definitely throwing me off my game.

6) Later on the fourth hole, I think I lost my tomato. I swung my snake at it but apparently the snake swallowed it because when I went looking for it in the field of rabbit princesses, it was nowhere to be found. Either it went into the fields or Kathy picked up my nice juicy tomato and ate it as it looked ever so delectable. Either way, I was going to have to take a drop. I reached back into my tomato sack and looked for another one, but could only find radishes. I would much rather play with a tomato than a radish, but radishes were all I had. Playing with a radish would definitely throw me off my game.

7) Luckily prior to teeing off on the fifth hole, I was able to find my LSD anecdote (which every good golfer equips himself with) and I was immediately relieved of those horrible effects. I looked down at the scorecard and Kathy had miraculously come back and made a game out of this. Her 30 yard at a time shots must have found a way to somehow go 100 yards because she was suddenly scoring better than me. Realizing that her LSD trick had worn off, she now took to more desperate measures. As she lined up for her tee shot, she took a very quick backswing which resulted in her losing her grip on her driver. And, wouldn’t you know it, that driver just happened to fly straight back and crack me in the left shin. Now normally, my cat like reflexes would have allowed me catch this driver in mid flight and set it back in her golf bag without any effort whatsoever on my part. However, because I was still a little hazy from the LSD and Kathy’s bright pink underwear were still sticking way out of the top of her shorts and blinding me, I did not fully see the driver until it was too late. I immediately knew that she had chipped a piece of bone off of my leg because I could hear it rattling around in there. I took it like a man though and continued to play, making no mention of my pain to Kathy at all. This infuriated her to no end as: 1) she let the club go on purpose, and 2) she couldn’t pull away from me on the scorecard. I was luckily no longer playing with a radish (Thank God!), but this new injury definitely threw me off my game.

8) As I limped to the 6th tee box (pretty sure it was the 6th – still LSD hazy), I took what was my best shot of the day. The fairway was a type of peninsula that curled to the right but then arced back out to the left in a shape of long backwards “c”. The fairway was fairly narrow and it sloped drastically downhill on either side of it. I took my swing and when I made contact it was if the fairway had a magnet which allowed the ball to remain about twenty yards in the air and follow it perfectly. My drive went about two hundred perfect yards and was laying smack dab in the middle of the fairway. It was easily my best shot of the day and it was where I was going to make my move to pull away. As we drove the cart up to it though, Kathy jumped out and kicked it down one of the hills. Not wanting to be a crybaby about it, I played my ball from the bottom of the hill. That kick threw me off my game.

9) Around the 7th hole, it began getting a little warmer out. To protect herself from the sun, Kathy got out some spray sun block and began putting it on as we were sitting in the cart. “By accident”, as she was spraying it on her left arm she sprayed it directly in my eyes thereby blinding me almost entirely. The good news is I wouldn’t have to look at those bright pink panties which, two hours later, were still waving around like a flag on the fourth of July out of the top of her shorts. The bad news is I was now totally blind and would have to rely on pure instinct to finish my round of golf. Luckily, as anyone who read the story of my soccer game against The Bullets knows, my instincts are sharp and I am used to overcoming huge obstacles in key situations. Blindness was something that I was used to, but it would definitely throw me off my game.

10) This is where it gets ugly (and for Kathy – quite embarrassing). As we approached the 9th hole, I could sense that we had gone downhill and were now under the shaded blanket of many tall trees. Kathy, who due to my blindness was now driving, slowly pulled the cart to a stop and we were just sitting there. It was at that point that I felt a hand on my knee and a soft breath on my neck. “Kathy,” I said, “this is totally inappropriate. I am a very happily married man and would never do anything to threaten the beautiful sanctity of my relationship with who I consider to be the most fantastic woman in all the world. You must stop now.” It was at that point that the lips touched my neck and I heard the most frightening thing that I had ever heard: it was the gruff voice of the old male groundskeeper whispering in my ear “Who’s Kathy?” Not only did this scare the shit out of me and immediately restore my vision, but it most definitely threw me off my game.

11) Still hazy from the LSD, limping from the driver to the shin, blinded from both the panties and then the sunblock, and smitten..I mean DISGUSTED from the acts of the groundskeeper (psst! Call me!) I looked down at the score card and realized that we were tied. Even after all of these distractions and successful attempts to throw me off of my game, the best she could do was tie me going into the last hole. I guarantee that had everything been up and up to this point I would have had a commanding lead and would not need to worry about it at all. The scorecard clearly stated, however, that we were tied at this point and it would come down to the last hole. Kathy went first and put her shot way right, but over the lake. My shot was not perfect and looked like it was headed for a watery grave, but being the skilled athlete that I am, I was able to 5-skip my ball from one end of the lake to the other where it rolled up onto the grass. I was closer to the hole but we were both on dry land. It would come down to the short game. My next shot was a chip shot that ended up on the fringe of the green, but not very close to the pin. I lost track of Kathy, but she was soon standing near me with her ball on the edge of the green fairly far from the pin. Because Kathy had broken into my garage over the course of the week and bent my clubs, I was having a little trouble with my putter on this day and, as a result, three-putted the final hole for a five. Kathy also took her two or three putts on the green and ended up with a three. As a result, Kathy was victorious.


So, there you have it: The 7 reasons why Kathy beat me at golf. I’d like to say that I had a lot of fun that day. I’d also like to say that Kathy was the better person that day and beat me fair and square. I’d also like to take this opportunity to apologize for all of my sexist rants and degrading comments towards Kathy during this whole ordeal. You took it all in stride, properly prepared yourself, and came out the better golfer. Finally I’d like to say that due to your great show of sportsmanship I have become a better person. A more understanding person. A less vengeful person.

I’d like to say those things, but I can’t. The truth is that I hope you and your bright pink panties go to Chicago and never come back! Men Rule! America Rules! I RULE!!!!!!!

To all the men out there, thanks for reading. To all the women out there, go and get your shine box! (Goodfellas)