God, Family, and America

Well, tomorrow is the day that it finally happens. After months of talking, media coverage, expert analysis, and my opponent cowering in fear, the event ultimately happens. The event I am speaking about, of course, is the 2010 Golf Challenge.

For those unaware of what is going on, my friend and fellow blogger Kathy Morgan (pictured above) had the gall and utter lack of respect to challenge my manhood and claim that just because she moved to the big city and was now all hotsy totsy, that she could come back to Bellevegas and whip me at a round of golf. Now, I am just a humble, humble man but when someone who deemed themselves too good for Belleville decides to come back and spit on both myself and my beloved city, I have to stand up for myself. I have to stand up for Belleville.

See, aside from a few years away at college, I have lived in this beautiful city all of my life. Sure, I had job offers from all over the country and even in some European countries that would pay me a salary commensurate to that of a king, but I chose to stay home in this fair city of Belleville because it’s my home and I love it. Yes, I could have been making more money and living in a larger home, but something about meager surroundings suits me best. I love my small town and never felt the need to move to a big city in order to make a place for myself. And, if our great lord and savior Jesus Christ had plans for me to move to such an urban environment, I certainly would not come back and both verbally and emotionally attack those that I had grown up with just because I considered them “small potatoes.”

So, when Kathy made the challenge, she didn’t just challenge me - she challenged Mike who’s been working at the corner deli for the past 30 years making those delicious poor boy sandwiches that only he can make. She challenged Loretta the postal worker who has been delivering mail along the same route for so long that she’s seen the original homeowner’s kids have kids of their own. She also challenged Mr. Hooper who runs the little grocery store over on the corner of Main and Sesame. But most of all, she challenged you. She challenged you the loyal, hard working, small town, damn proud to be a fine upstanding citizen in nowheresville middle America. She challenged your dignity. She challenged your way of life – and I’m not going to stand for it.

I could have gone Kathy's route and trash-talked her this entire time, but I'm better than that. I would never stoop to the level of insulting someone's intelligence, sexuality, or gender. I am above that. I have but three loves in this life and they are God, family, and America. By listening to their guiding wisdom, I am able to avoid such city-living pitfalls as trash talking and just pure downright humiliation. I will avoid such tactics and instead do my talking on the golf course.

As a result, I’m going to accept this challenge tomorrow and beat her. I’m going to do it to show her that we small town people don’t take too kindly to people coming in and calling us worthless. I’m going to do it to show that we Bellevillian’s are proud of our town no matter how big or small or dumb (as I personally overheard her calling us) that others think we are. Damnit, I’m going to do it for America!

So, for all of you Bellevillians and all of the rest of the good, church-going, apple-pie eating, God fearing people out there, I’m going to wake up tomorrow and drive to Elmwood Golf Course. I’m going to get in a cart with my opponent, look her directly in the eye and let her know that she’s not just facing me today. She’s facing every one of you, and with all of your support I’m going to bring a firestorm of eagles, birdies, and pars all over my opponent’s big city ass!

Thank you for reading and God Bless the United States of America

Results will be posted tomorrow afternoon