Heavy Hearted

I write this today with a heavy heart. I got some bad news this morning that has devastated me to my very core and although I will eventually be fine, it is going to take some time to recover from this. This morning in the car on the way to daycare – sigh – Ben informed me that I give him too many kisses.

I’ve had my heart broken before but never like this.

I’ve always worked under the idea that with Ben being a boy there would come a day when I’d have to stop giving him hugs and kisses. As a result, I always make sure to hug him extra hard and extra long so that when that time comes he’ll always be able to remember the great hugs that daddy used to give him. But he still likes the hugs and apparently it’s only the kisses that bother him.

It started out with me putting Ben in his car seat this morning and, once I got him buckled in, giving him his morning dose of rapid-fire kisses to his forehead and cheeks until he laughs and calls me silly. As I kissed him over and over I waited for the giggle but it never came. I figured maybe he was just tired and wasn’t into it so I stopped and got ready to close the door. Before I could get it closed though, I heard the words that will haunt me for a long time – if not forever: “Daddy, you give too many kisses.”

Ugh

I closed the door in a shocked silence and went around to the driver’s side with a pain in my heart and a buzzing in my head. Surely he hadn’t just said that. Maybe I misheard him and what he actually said was “Daddy, you are the freakin’ man!” As I sat down I asked him what he had said just in case I had heard it wrong. His reply, again, was “Daddy, you give too many kisses.”

Realizing that he is 3 and maybe there’s a simpler meaning to the heavy statement he had just uttered, I began to probe a little further.

Me: Daddy gives you too many kisses?

Ben: Yeah,

Me: Too many kisses this morning?

Ben: Too many kisses.

Me: Just this morning?

Ben: No, you give too many kisses.

Me: Do you not like kissing me before you go ni-night?

Ben: No

Me: Do you like me kissing you when we play?

Ben: No

Me: Does Mommy give you too many kisses?

Ben: I like Mommy’s kisses

Me: But you don’t like Daddy’s?

Ben: No

Me: Do you ever want Daddy to kiss you?

Ben: No, that’s okay.

Me: It’s okay that I give you kisses?

Ben: No. No kisses.

Me: But Mommy can still give you kisses?

Ben: Yeah!

Me: But no more kisses from Daddy?

Ben: No thank you.

It was at this point that my heart was broken into a million tiny pieces which I’m sure will eventually fall out onto the family room floor and I will step on in the dark in the middle of the night on the way to the bathroom. They’ll be laying there right next to Ben’s toys. The toys that he gave me a thank you kiss for after I gave them to him.

On the bright side, he is only 3 and this (hopefully) is just a mood he was in this morning.

I hope.

I can’t even think of anything funny to add to this. It is a sad, sad day in Scottsville.