Don't go away mad, just go away

We have a fish. His name is Fishy McFisherson, and he just won’t die.

We got Fishy for Ben a little over a year ago after I received a $50 gift card from my bosses as a token of their appreciation for doing a good job. After I received the gift card, I was trying to think of what to get myself. As per usual, when I don’t have spare money, I have a list of things that I want. Once I get spare money, I have no idea what to buy. Since I couldn’t think of anything to get for myself, my thoughts turned to Ben and what I could possibly get for him. My initial thought was a tattoo, but that seemed a little excessive so I decided on something a little less permanent.

A pet

We already had a dog named Tina, so that was out of the question. She’s a pit bull/shepherd mix and the sweetest dog you’ll ever meet. Yes, she can be a little annoying, but she’s ours and we wouldn’t trade her for anything. We didn’t have a cat yet, but that will stay that way because a: I hate cats, and b: I lied to Carol and told her that the vet said Tina was allergic to them. I may be joking about that, but I may not be. Not even Carol knows.

As I walked into the pet store I had my mind set on some type of lizard. I was thinking about buying an iguana or a gecko or something of the like, but after reading how much care and attention they would require, I realized that it would probably not last much longer than a week. Not that Carol and I are lazy, but I didn’t have a lot of faith in our ability to keep the temperature adjusted properly, or to feed it, or basically remember we had it at all.

After perusing the store and going over all of my options, I figured that my best bet would probably be to just get Ben a goldfish. They’re cute and fun, but don’t last very long and aren’t much of a hassle. Now, I remember back when I was little you would get a glass bowl, some decorative rock, drop a goldfish in, and viola! Instant pet. Now, according to the girl at Petsmart, that is no longer the proper way to treat a goldfish. You now need to buy a tank with a filter, which ironically enough, they happened to have on sale that day. I wasn’t taking the bait.

I asked if they had any “easy” fish that wouldn’t be too much work. She pointed in the direction of a beta display and I saw some of the most beautiful fish I had ever seen. I picked out a fish, a tank, some decorative rock, fake plastic trees and was out the door having spent $47 of my $50 gift card. I got the fish home, prepared the tank, waited the appropriate amount of time (which isn’t really my strong suit – but that’s a different tale for a different time), plopped Fishy McFisherson in, and there we had it. Ben had a pet.

That was a little over a year ago.

I’ve never had much luck with fish. Even if I would give the water proper time to adjust to room temperature upon the initial setup, once I cleaned the tank for the first time, the fish would die. I really can’t remember ever having a fish last longer than a month because of that, so imagine my surprise when after I cleaned the tank for the first time, Fishy lived. It was kind of touch and go for a while as after I placed him back in the tank he did that not swimming/not floating/kind of 45 degree angle thing. You fish owners know what I’m talking about. So, we figured he was dead as a doornail. I even posted an R.I.P for him on Facebook. To our surprise, however, he pulled through and stayed with us for a while more.

Months later, Carol and I went to Las Vegas, and prior to the trip Fishy wasn’t looking very good. We made the decision to just not worry about feeding him while we were gone and assume the responsibility for whatever happened. Lo and behold, when we got home Fishy was swimming around like nothing was wrong and he decided to stay with us for a while more – again. This fish just wasn’t going to die.

Don’t get me wrong – I don’t wish any harm to Fishy, I just want him to die. Ben doesn’t care about the fish. Carol and I never remember if we fed it or if we did, when that may have occurred. The tank stays clean (probably due to the lack of food and the resulting lack of feces) and the cost after the initial purchase has been nil, so it’s not as if the fish is even a hassle. I think I’m just at the point where I’m anticipating having the “sleeping forever” talk with Ben and I’m not looking forward to doing it. The older he gets, the more questions he’s going to ask regarding it, and I have no idea what I’m going to say.

Maybe after Ben goes to bed tonight, I’ll do my duty and clean out the tank. Maybe if I’m lucky Fishy won’t survive the transition. Maybe if I’m lucky, Fishy will flop himself onto the floor and I just won’t get to it on time. Maybe while he’s on the floor, Tina will run into the room and have herself a little snack. Or maybe, just maybe, I’ll leave the top off of the tank, stop lying to Carol about the whole doggie allergy thing, and get us a cat to do the job. That’s assuming, of course, that I’m lying about the cat.

Maybe.