Body of Evi-dunce

So, once again, I’ve quit the gym. I knew it would happen. There may have been a shred of doubt as to the inevitable outcome when I first started going, but in the back of my mind, I knew it would end this way. To quote Princess Leia after Luke told her that he’d found one he was her brother, even though she had already tongue kissed him prior to him knowing that he was her brother – “I’ve always known.” Gross.

Anyway.

This recent attempt at personal health started in February when I went to the gym during lunch with two girls in my office. They had been going almost every day for awhile and kept mentioning that I should go. They weren’t screaming “hey fatty, let’s burn those pounds down to the ground” or anything, but they put it out there that I may like it and that I was welcome to come with them if I wished.

I didn’t want to go for various reasons: 1) I’m pretty lazy at times 2) I hate the gym atmosphere with the grunting and the nakedness (yes, I’m still talking about the gym here) and the muscle bound dudes who make me feel out of place while I’m lifting my 15 pound dumbbells, and 3) I lose interest in things reeeeeeally easily. They quickly dispelled the first two by telling me that working out at lunch is great because you don’t have to wake up any earlier in the morning (bonus) and you don’t have to give up your evening either (double bonus). They also mentioned that there were mostly girls at this gym and there were no professional weight lifters there either. I told them that since I’d get a free week’s membership to try it out, I’d give it a go.

When I got there, I was amazed. It wasn’t like the Y or Gold’s gym, but instead was located in an office building and it was quaint. I looked out at the free weights and didn’t see anybody I would be intimidated working out in front of. In fact, I didn’t see anybody at all. I would, for the most part, have all of the free weights and machines to myself. Now this was a gym I could get into.

I did what I considered a workout, wiped the one drop of sweat that had formed off of my forehead and went back into the locker room to change back into my work clothes. This was awesome. I was pumped. I went out that night and bought a new bag and new workout pants. When I got home, I got online and looked for different workout routines that would give me the best 30 minute workout I could get. When I found one that didn’t involve any running (or at least one that I could easily ignore the running), I was so excited that I went outside and had a beer and a cigarette to celebrate. I was going to get in shape.

I started off going almost every day during my lunch hour and doing the workout I had found online. I was excited about it and even started eating healthier to the point where I became very annoying to Carol who had been trying all along to get me to eat better anyway. At the end of the first month, I got measured as I had been when I first joined the gym. The owner of the gym measured my chest, forearms, biceps, stomach, hips, thighs, calves, and weighed me.

No change.

Actually, I take that back. There was change. My legs had increased in size, and my forearms had increased to the point where they were now as big as my biceps. I also lost ½ of a pound. One month of going almost every day and this was what I got. Disappointment set in. As I pondered all of this over another beer and cigarette, I decided maybe I was doing this all wrong. Maybe I was working out the wrong way and should try a different routine. I got online again and found a new workout that was focused on building muscle rather than just toning it. Here we go. Round 2. I can do this.

After the second month of going probably three days a week (see the days dwindling already?), I got measured again. I just knew there would be a dramatic change this time around. I felt huge, healthy(ish) and started sticking my chest out whenever I walked around. I was in shape. And this time, thankfully, there was a good deal of change in my measurements. My biceps had gotten bigger, my stomach and hips had gone down, and my chest had increased by half an inch. You’d have thought that I had just won the Mr Universe competition the way I was now ridiculously flexing at every mirror I passed. To celebrate, I ate a lot of junk food, drank some beer, and took a couple of days off from the gym.

Those few days off were nice.

Over the past month since then, the days at the gym have dwindled. I’ve blamed it on being tired and other various BS excuses, but the fact is, I saw some improvement, was satisfied with that, and just got bored. I get bored easily. I was going to keep going to the gym when I felt like it and maybe the desire would come back, but it wasn’t coming back. I knew it wouldn’t because I know me. On top of that, it was time for my 3 month membership renewal. Rather than think of reasons to maintain the membership, I began thinking of every possible reason/excuse to not renew – this blog ended up being the main one.

You see, I have a new hobby now. I have a new passion. I love writing this blog and the opportunity it provides me to continue writing – something that I really missed doing. I never know when inspiration is going to hit, but it seems that it’s been happening right about 11:30 a.m., which is when I should be leaving for the gym. I’m not saying that my gym days are over forever, but for now I’ve made the decision to cancel my membership and just focus on writing this blog and utilizing the two games we have for the Wii at our house that will allow me to maintain the healthier lifestyle that I’ve been working on. I may never have the great body that I want my wife to salivate over, but at least I now have the benefit of being able to pause the Wii workouts at any time if I need to step outside for a smoke break.

You win this round McHale.