An Open Letter to Joel McHale

Dear Mr. McHale (assuming that is in fact your real name)


Let me begin by introducing myself. My name is Scott Hopfinger and I was a big fan of both “The Soup” on E! and “Community” on NBC. To give you little background as to why my fandom has ceased, I will refer you to this link.
http://scottchronicles.blogspot.com/2010/05/damn-you-joel-mchale.html
At the end of that article, I had mentioned that I would continue to watch both of your shows because of your humor.

That was before you broke my heart.

At the beginning of the series “Community” you made your affection for Britta well known. I accepted that. I saw it as the premise of the show kind of like Sam and Diane and then Sam and Rebecca on Cheers. We all knew where it was headed and that you’d end up together in one way or another someday. But, like any cleverly written series, there had to be some sort of catalyst to get in the middle of the eventual proclamation of your feelings for one another – enter Slater. I was okay with this. And even though you had yet to consummate anything with Britta, I knew it would happen and had resigned myself to the fact that Mr. I-have-big-muscles-but-hide-them-behind-my-killer-smile-and-witty-sense-of-humor would now have slept with two of the hot women on the show.

I laughed that off.

I slowly began to turn against you during the episode where you were the master-debater (yes, Mr. McAHole, read into that what you will) and you had the audacity to kiss Annie. At that point, my friend, you had stepped over the line. I watched the episode and saw the debate - the kiss had to happen. I know that. There was no way you were going to beat those douchebags unless you really upped the stakes. But did you have to do something as equally as douchebagish (I’ll make up words if I damn well feel like it McHale) to win? I guess that’s just the way you operate.

At the same time, I was under the impression that it was in the heat of the moment. It was done out of necessity. The debate had to be won and there was no chance the two of you would ever kiss again. You had Britta and Slater to deal with and after a few more episodes, Annie had Vaughn (don’t even get me started on that guy). There would be no more tongue wrestling with you and my Annie.

Or so I thought.

It’s taken me a few days to fully process what I saw on the season finale of Community. At first I was shocked. Then I was mad. Now, I’m infuriated. Britta loves you. Sure, we knew that was going to happen. Slater wants you back also. Sure, we knew there had to be a wrench thrown in there. But Annie? Really? You can’t just be happy with the feminist and the slut teacher? You have to go after pure, sweet, innocent, virginal Annie also? I had said from the beginning that she was the true beauty on the show and I was thankful that at least you wouldn’t be getting your hands on her again. You, Mr. McHale, have failed me and are now on my list. It’s not a good list to be on.

It wasn’t enough that you had the other two women (and probably Chevy Chase if you wanted him) – you had to get one more? If there had to be one more, why couldn’t you have gone after Shirley? Is it because she’s black? On top of being a muscle-hiding-until-ANYONE-asks-me-to-take-my-shirt-off-jackass, are you also a racist? Should you start spelling your name Joel McKKKale? What other reason could it be? This, my friend, is just sad.

And to top it all off, you go on The Soup the next night and make no mention of Annie whatsoever? Does she mean nothing to you? Annie is a thoughtful, beautiful, naïve girl and you, sir, have taken advantage of her. You have taken her innocent heart and gulped it down like the ravenous, thoughtless, musclebound, sexy beast that you are. You should be ashamed of yourself. Plus, isn’t she supposed to be right out of high school? Aren’t you supposed to be in your early 30’s? You make me sick.

Just so you know, I will be forwarding a copy of this letter to both the executives at E! and NBC to advise them of my displeasure with you. I will also ask that they meet the following criteria. If they don’t I will also be forced to forward this letter to the President of the United States of America.

These are my demands

1) No more episodes where you, Joel McHale, are shown wearing anything but a snowsuit

2) I would like the entire last episode of season one rewritten to exclude the kiss between yourself and Annie.

3) If a third love-interest is required for you to add drama to the show, it must be Ryan Seacrest
4) I would like this episode to air on Sunday, July 4th 2010 as both a birthday present to my sister and as a lead-in to a nationally televised hour long fireworks show put on by the Army Corp of Engineers emanating out of my own back yard

5) I would like the entire cast of Community, including the lovely Allison Brie (Annie), to be my personal guests at said fireworks show

6) I would like you, Joel McHale, to be forced to serve Allison and I drinks all night in the 100 degree St. Louis heat wearing the abovementioned snow suit

7) I would like the producers at NBC to provide us with a catered meal from Bert’s Chuckwagon

8) I would like the producers at E! to take my wife on an all expenses paid trip to Europe so that I can be alone with Ms. Brie

9) I would like Chevy Chase to provide both a divorce lawyer and a minister for the night in the off chance that Ms. Brie is utterly smitten by me and must have me right then and there.

10) And lastly, I would like a job as a writer for Community so that I can personally ensure that something like this never happens again.

Joel, I hope you are now aware that there are consequences to your actions. I want us to be friends, but you just keep doing things to get in the way of that. In the future, please ask yourself the following question prior to making any decision involving either taking off your shirt or kissing any of your other “Community” cast mates: Would Scott Approve? That, my dear Mr. McHale, is a life lesson for you that you won’t learn in Community college.

Sincerely



Scott Hopfinger



P.S. Should any of my demands not be met, not only will I contact the President of the United States of America, but I’ll also donate my legs to Ryan Seacrest so that he can be as tall as, if not taller than, you. Say goodbye to your short jokes McHale. MWUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

I’ll be standing by for your response.