Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house Everyone was asleeping, I was on the couch soused
The stockings were laying on the floor all askew
Along with some beer cans and pork rind crumbs too
The boy was nestled all snug in his bed
While visions of Toy Story danced in his head
Carol lay in her PJs tuckered out from the day
As I thought of the reasons that had made me this way
It started Thanksgiving when the story was told
That Ben had flushed Norah’s socks down the commode
Up, up to the bathroom Carol ran like a beer
While I played pool in the basement still nursing my beer
That night I tried shopping for some Black Friday deals
But a two hour line had me back on my heels
So I shopped the next morning, oh the stuff I did buy
But $45 for Lincoln Logs ain’t gonna fly.
The view from our roof as I hung up our lights
Gave a sense of dread to a man fearful of heights
Once again I got stuck, but who should appear
But Nikki, our neighbor, who I begged to come near
With my extension ladder, so lively and quick
She rushed to my rescue like good ol’ St. Nick
More rapid than eagles the jokes they did bark
By calling me Griswold, most notably – Clark
First Dunn, then Werth. Now Lee and Gonzalez
On Crawford, on Berkman, on Jeter and Martinez
Free agents I wanted and prayed much to heaven
But my Cubs gave ten million for a .197!
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly
Came the winters first snowfall with winds that did drive
While driving to get Ben the scene was macabre
Heading north to Troy in my Buick Lesleighbre
And then, in an instant, I was blinded by snow
I was scared to stop and even more scared to go
As I drew in my breath and left all things to chance
I just made it through without soiling my pants
Now I’m all bundled up from my head to my toe
Because temps, with the wind chill, are seven below
And of course, overnight our house had lost power
Barely had enough water to take a hot shower
My eyes-how they twinkled! My bald head how merry!
My cheeks were like roses! My nose like a cherry!
My droll little jaw was clenched tight like a vice
And my ass was all bruised from falling on ice.
The butt of my smoke I held tight in my hand
Standing freezing outside while dreaming of sand
As I pondered what present Carol purchased for me
That was under a blanket instead of the tree.
I got chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw this, in spite of myself.
And I laughed, and I laughed, in insanity fits
When the ass up at Midas said my car was the pits
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work
And then charged me a fortune, that son of a jerk
And extending my finger from the clench of my fist
Drove my still broken car off his lot while right pissed!
This new Christmas Season hasn’t been so much merry
Through much fault of my own it’s been very hairy
But as I looked toward my lawn, still clutching my Stag
I saw that guy Santa and his present filled bag.
It raised up my spirits and warmed up my heart
I stood to go greet him but fell right apart
The table I fell on could not bear the weight
Of a piss-drunk hack writer who’s poems weren’t great
Too much beer had a drank to drown my Christmas sorrows
And I soon passed out cold, not to wake until morrows.
But I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight:
“Happy Christmas to all! That Scott guy’s alright!!”
Merry Christmas to you all!!
And as always, thank you so very much for reading.
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