The Announcement

I have made quite possibly the dumbest decision of my entire life. Well, maybe not THE dumbest decision – that might go to the time that I made out with the girl with the large adams apple and 5 o’clock shadow after going on a 7 hour brannigan, but my friend’s suspicions were never confirmed as I passed out prior to getting far enough with her/him to know for sure. But that’s beside the point. The fact of the matter is that up until about a month ago

I’d been wrestling around with different ideas on what to do for my upcoming 100th blog. I thought that since I reached 100 and that my readers have faithfully followed me along for this ride that I should do something special to mark the occasion. If writing this blog was financially beneficial to me in the least I would have loved to send you all money, but unfortunately the only compensation that I receive from spewing out this drivel is in the form of compliments and people telling me that they read it. And while I appreciate that very much, it isn’t going to get you any 100th Blog cash. Sorry.

When I started thinking about it I thought that maybe I should make a list, but what of? Should I list the 100 greatest songs of all time (which would be fact and not opinion based on my impeccable taste in music and the fact that I’m brilliant)? Should I list the 100 greatest movie quotes of all time (You’re stewed, buttwad)? What about the top 100 (as there are so many more) reasons that I am awesome? While I like those topics and very well might write those blogs in the future, they just didn’t seem worthy of a special occasion blog. For my 100th I needed to do something different. I needed to do something awesome. I needed to do something that reflected the theme of so many of my past blog entries. But what?

Finally, one night while laying in bed (calm down ladies) it came to me. It was so obvious that I can’t believe I hadn’t thought of it yet. In fact, I have no idea why I haven’t even tried it yet at any point in my life. I began working through the logistics of it and it sounded like something that I could do but it was going to be tough to complete. But who cares? This was for my readers! Luckily, my first calculations were wrong and I was WAY overstated as to what this was going to entail, but it was still enough of a challenge that I wanted to undertake it. I knew my readers deserved something big and I was going to give it to them (again – calm down ladies).

After some more calculations, I went to my friend Melissa (who is an expert in this field) and asked her exactly what this would entail. We did some quick math and discovered that even though I had been way off in my original calculations, this was still going to be an undertaking and would not be easy to do. I began to waver a little in my decision thinking that maybe this was dumb and that I could certainly come up with something better to do, but at that moment, Melissa offered her assistance. I had never thought about having someone do this with me as it was mostly me trying to make my readers once again laugh at my expense, but once she offered to join me I became very excited. I became so excited, in fact, that I immediately called and recruited my buddy Dan to join in our endeavor. This was going to be fun.

Now what, you ask, could I possibly be talking about? What could I possibly do that was so big? What I’m talking about folks is what I’ve talked about in many of my blogs. What I’m talking about has been the subject of many stories and the cause of much turmoil. What I’m talking about has added to many fun times in my life and subtracted from so many following days. What I’m talking about has made me dance with Playmates, vomit on various pieces of furniture, and made me avoid Olive Garden for the past 10 years. What I’m talking about, my friends, is drinking.

I know that I talk about drinking a ton and that a blog about drinking is really no different than what I’ve done in the past. But I must assure you that this is decidedly different. This will be like no other blog that I’ve ever written. This time I’m going to challenge myself. This time I’m going to set the bar high and try to fly over it. This time, I’m going to join the Century Club.

For anyone who isn’t familiar with the Century Club, it is a contest to see if you can drink 100 shots of beer in 100 minutes. Now, while 100 shots of beer may not seem like a lot to some people (it sure as hell does to me) it is, in fact, a shit ton of beer. Assuming that there are 12 ounces in a random can of beer and that each shot will be of the 1 ounce variety ( I had originally calculated 2 ounces per shot), that’s one beer every twelve minutes. Now I’ve easily downed a beer in 12 minutes before and have most definitely downed two in that time frame, but it doesn’t end there. After you’re done with that, you have to consume 7.33333333 more beers in that same fashion within the next 88 minutes – and that’s assuming that whoever is pouring the shots doesn’t over or under pour each one. Plus, while many people think they can simply chug a ton of beer right away and then chug more as the time expires, that is not the point. The point is to sit down with a multitude of shot glasses and drink one shot every minute on the minute for 100 minutes. And if you puke - you're out. That’s gonna be tough.

To test this out Melissa and I grabbed a couple of beers (did I mention that her expertise comes from being a bartender and that I went to visit her – at work?) and started the timer. We went through one or two beers based on this timing and immediately discovered that this was going to be tough. For one thing, choice of beer is going to be critical. I could easily go with a light beer in order to delay the intoxication for as long as possible, but then I would have to go to the bathroom WAY more often. And, if you have to go to the bathroom, you have to bring your next shot along with you so that you can drink it at the appropriate time. My choice of beer, of course, will be the one and only Stag. Yes, it will get me way drunker way earlier than I want to be, but I can a) hold off on peeing that much longer, and b) possibly avoid an even worse hangover the next day due to a lack of sugar in the beer (scientific fact). Plus, if I didn’t choose Stag after all of the glory that bestowed upon it, I’d look like a sellout.

Another thing that was going to be difficult would be keeping the timer going as we get progressively drunker. To fix this, we decided that a neutral place with a (semi) sober time keeper would be ideal. As a result, we decided that Jeff’s house would be perfect as he doesn’t drink beer (allergic to carbonation – pansy) and we could pass out on his couch if and when we needed to. Plus, he has a fenced in back yard so if somebody is heaving in the bathroom, the others could go outside to hurl without the neighbors staring.

Once the plans were set, more people came into the picture. Melissa asked Chris who seemed more than willing to participate (I didn’t ask him because I knew he would have to work the next day and doubted his ability to bounce back. He will prove me wrong) and I asked Sasha who has yet to give me a response. So, technically, we could be looking at five possible people doing this. This could be fun.

But how does this affect you and what does this have to do with my blog? I’ll tell you how and what. I am going to document each shot, one by one, from the moment that we start until the moment that we end. If somebody spills, you’ll read about it. If somebody throws up, you’ll read about it. If somebody has a big wet spots on their pants because they had to get back to their chair for their next shot before they were done peeing, you’ll read about it. To help me document this (and mostly to help me remember anything past a certain point) I will be videotaping the entire incident. It will not be pretty and it will not be smart, but it is a gift that I want to give to you, my readers, as a thank-you for your support.
The date of the extravaganza will be Monday, December 27th (I’m on vacation that week) but I HIGHLY doubt that the blog will be posted the next day.

I may need a day or two to recover.

Thanks for reading