Something about the winter months makes me not want to do anything. I don’t want to wake up, I don’t want to go to work, I don’t want to watch TV, I don’t want to go outside, I don’t want to stay inside, and I certainly don’t want to write. But, because my fan base is rabid and if I go a week or so without a blog I start getting nasty emails, I will attempt to escape from the doldrums of my day and entertain you with a brand new batch of Randumb Thoughts (yes, I capitalize it now. I may even get it copyrighted. I’m that damn cool.)
In all honesty, I could give a shit about the royal wedding coming up between Prince William and the winner of the “I can put up with more of your bullshit than any other girl in England just so that I can one day be a queen” contest. Really, what do I care? I don’t know these people, I don’t live in England, the royal family has basically no real control over anything in that country, and I wasn’t even invited. Even if I were close friends of the family, I probably wouldn’t even go because I’m imagining the cost of a plate at the reception would be much more than I could afford to make up for in a wedding gift. “Yeah, thanks for inviting me. I took out a loan so that I could buy you a gift to put in your PALACE. I’m sure that you could’ve afforded to buy one of these for yourself and that you have at least three already somewhere in your PALACE, but here’s your original Monet painting that I bought for you. If you need me, I’ll be at the homeless shelter.”
If Christmas is a time of peace and love, why do I want to rip the head off of anyone in line in front of me at Target who is buying non-Christmas related items? “Hey jerkoff! There’s this place called a grocery store that sells mustard and frozen pizzas. From Thanksgiving through December 24th this store is only for people buying shit for their loved who don’t even need the crap, but because we’ll end up feeling guilty about not buying something for somebody that we love we’re forced to be here to ease our guilt and by buying these ridiculous items you’re only making the situation worse. Now get out of my freaking way before I shove my three rolls of Christmas Story wrapping paper straight up your non-holiday-appreciating ass. By the way, Happy Holidays Reverand.”
I ate veal for the first time yesterday. Screw you PETA!
I feel bad that I haven’t mentioned anything about my Class of ’95 get together over the Thanksgiving weekend. It was nothing “official,” but more of a gathering of anyone who got the Facebook message and who was going to be in town that weekend. We had a nice turnout and had a really good time. I was shocked and humbled by everyone who said that they read my blog and enjoyed it. I would thank you all by name, but quite honestly, I didn’t know your names in high school and I’m sure not going to learn them now. But seriously, I would like to give a personal thank you to Buddy, Hey You, Girlie, and Dude It’s Been Forever!
Regarding that night, I would like to say that I had the honor and privilege of hanging out with someone who was once voted “best ass” by some of their co-workers. You know who you are : ) Be proud!!
I just realized that I forgot my lunch today and am going to have to venture out into the cold to get myself something to eat. I would just skip lunch, but we have a corporate happy hour for the holidays tonight with an open bar. Sure, you may be thinking that I could just limit myself to a few beers but you obviously don’t understand the term “open bar.” Some people see it as a luxury but I see it as a challenge. I like to see how drunk I can get on the company dime while still putting forth a professional demeanor. I’m gonna place the over/under at 8 beers – unless there are shots involved.
I may use tonight and my alcoholic courage to finally present my Schooner Tuna approach for the next fiscal year to the CEO. I may be unemployed tomorrow.
Yesterday was the 30th anniversary of the murder of John Lennon. I was going to write an entire blog on John Lennon and/or the Beatles and my love for them and the effects that they’ve had on my life, but as you can probably tell so far I am not in a good mood and I couldn’t have done it justice. I’ll simply say that Mark David Chapman should not only be in jail for murder, but he should also receive an additional sentence for burglary because he robbed us all of one of the most musically gifted individuals ever put on this earth. RIP JWOL.
I think I’m going to need to bust out my Andy Williams Christmas Album this weekend to break me of this sour mood. Hearing it usually gets me in the Christmas spirit so maybe that’s what I need. Either that or 3 hours with Lindsay Lohan…
We had a holiday luncheon for my department yesterday and I wanted steak. Granted the majority of the items on the menu were only half the cost of the $27 filet mignon, but I tried to use my powers of reasoning, charm, and a little bit of The Force to get my way. When I mentioned to my boss that I wanted the filet she said no way because it was too expensive. I then brought up the fact that my co-worker Jim had called in sick that day and since they were planning on buying his lunch anyway, I could simply use what they were going to spend on him and add it to the cost of my lunch to equal the cost of the filet. Needless to say, but as rational as this line of thinking was I was denied and ended up eating the aforementioned veal instead.
My radio station is now throwing the occasional Christmas song into the mix and I don’t like it. If I wanted to hear Christmas music I would turn to one of those stations that my sister listens to that play Christmas music 24/7. Since I don’t want to hear Christmas music quite yet (give me a week or so), I should be able to listen to the greatest hits of the 70s and 80s without being hit with that horrible Paul McCartney “Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time” song. You’ve done some great things Sir Paul. This was not one of them.
As an update to me quitting smoking a while back, let’s just forget we ever had that talk. Some things just aren’t meant to be.
Have you ever had the feeling that you’re being watched by someone who is expecting you to do the job you’re paid to do rather than sitting at your desk writing some stupid blog? Have you ever had that person come up to you and ask what you’re doing only for you to tell them to mind their own damn business because as of two minutes ago you’re on your lunch break? And have you ever had them tell you that they’ve been walking past your cube for the past hour or so and every time they do that you’re obviously not working so that you’ve technically already used your lunch hour? And have you ever told that person that once you’re a famous writer that you’re going to write an entire book about how they’ve suppressed your creativity and, as a result, suck? Me either, but I feel that it’s coming soon.
By the way, the Schooner Tuna thing from above was a Mr. Mom reference.
Thanks for reading.
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