I'm Here to Help

I am always looking out for the best interest of others. Additionally, I am always looking not only for ways to improve myself, but for ways to improve this great nation of ours. I feel that I was put on this earth to be a beacon – a guiding light if you will – to those in need of assistance whether it is mental, physical, or emotional help. So, when I hear of people in trouble, my mind (and heart) immediately start thinking of ways in which I can use my skill sets in order to help those troubled souls come back to not only a sense of inner peace, but to an environment in which they feel love and compassion. That is why I have decided to begin the next chapter and latest venture in my life:

Dr. DJ Awesomesauce’s Female Celebrity Rehabilitation Center

I am aware that the title may be misleading as I am not an actual doctor, but neither are Dr. Dre, Dr. Seuss, or Dr. Kenneth Noisewater (re: Anchorman). Besides, I don’t believe that you need to have some silly piece of paper from some fancy college to prove that you are proficient at something. I’ve known for a long time that I am extremely skilled at expressing love and compassion. Are you telling me that because I have not gone to an accredited university, taken specific training classes, and received a degree that I can not practice this love? I think not. Therefore, Doctor it is.

Being a doctor, it has become increasingly obvious that the female celebrity faction of this country is experiencing a bit of an epidemic, and that epidemic is too much partying. Now, I’m not opposed to a good party now and then and I’m certainly not opposed to having a good time while you’re at said party. But these poor misunderstood ladies are being taken advantage of at these parties and it is affecting their lives in a very negative way. Because they are beautiful they are given things such as alcohol and drugs for free and these young women just don’t know how to handle it. My 5 step program will teach them everything they need to know about using their beauty to their advantage and staying away from the horrible vices that they can’t control.

For your benefit, I will outline the structure of my program so that you will understand how helpful it will be. Additionally, if you have heard of any recent female celebrities that may have gotten into a bit of trouble with John Q Public, then maybe you could do what you can to send them my way.










These are the rules:

1)The first rule of Dr. DJ Awesomesauce’s Female Celebrity Rehabilitation Center is that you don’t talk about Dr. DJ Awesomesauce’s Female Celebrity Rehabilitation Center.
2)No more than two patients at a time.
3)Hugs are required, not optional.
4)No whining.
5)Encouraging pats on the backside are to be accepted, enjoyed, and returned.
6)All patients must read me an excerpt from Penthouse Forum prior to tucking me into bed at night.
7)Eye contact with the Dr is prohibited at all times.


These are the steps

Step 1: My patients will be required to stay in my house.

Yes, my family and I live in a small house but we do have a basement. The basement is not finished and is infested with both spiders and crickets, but not so many that it is a health hazard. I will set up one cot in my basement and allow them to sleep there as long as they abide by the rules that have been set forth. My patients at the time can decide between themselves whether one will sleep on the floor or whether they should snuggle close together and share the same cot. Failure to abide by the rules will first result in a loss of blankets, pillows, and then items of clothing.

Benefits: This will allow them to appreciate the finer things in life. When I wake up in the morning to go throw my clothes in the dryroning machine, they will see how well rested I look and be jealous of their harsh surroundings. I also sleep in my underwear and walk down to the basement wearing just those (if even that) so they will learn to appreciate the use of their blankets and pillows as a tool to cover their eyes.

Step 2: I will enforce a very strict dress code.

I find that the designer clothes that they are accustomed to wearing may tend to be a distraction. It will not only remind them of their pampered lifestyles in New York, Los Angeles, or whatever entertainment mecca that they are residing in, but it will also remind them of the clubs and restaurants that they frequent which allow them to dabble in the drugs and alcohol that they are now experiencing problems with. As a result, I will enforce a strict dresscode of a white tank top, daisy-duke jorts, and black high-heeled shoes.

Benefits: Showing this much skin will give them a chance to examine their bodies and an opportunity to learn to appreciate it. This will teach them humility. Drugs and alcohol adversely affect the natural shape of one’s body and also bring on premature aging. Being able to see the early warning signs of this “body fatigue” will encourage these women to take better care of their bodies and further enhance the idea that a clean lifestyle is the right lifestyle. Breaking of any of the rules that I have set forth will result in loss of clothing items in order for them to see more of what they are doing to themselves. The high heels will be the last clothing item to go.

Step 3: They will do all of the household chores.

Seeing as I will be offering my home to them for free for the purpose of their healing, I will require that they perform household chores as a form of payment. They will be required to make the beds, do the laundry, dust, vacuum, mow the lawn, clean the bathroom and kitchen, cook, and keep the house in generally excellent condition.

Benefits: Having them work both physically and mentally towards their recovery will teach them a sense of responsibility. They will learn what goes into a normal person’s life and make them appreciate gift of the pampered lifestyle that they will no doubt be returning to even more. Also, providing them with a daily schedule of what task must be completed by what time will get them into a routine of sobriety that they can take with them when they leave my facility. Failure to complete the chores within the given time frame will be met with punishment such as washing our cars using soap and nothing but the clothes they are wearing as rags. This will teach them to appreciate what they’ve been so graciously given.

Step 4: They will be required to babysit Benjamin while Carol and I go out in the evenings.

Healing doesn’t just happen during the daylight hours. Healing is a 24/7 process that must be constantly addressed. Just because they are done with the household chores does not mean that they are done healing for the day. Ben is a good boy who is very adept at using his imagination and playing by himself, so taking care of him should not be much of an issue for them. All they have to do is play with him, read him books, give him baths, and put him to bed. While they are doing this, Carol and I will be going out to dinner and having many drinks at local bars to celebrate the good work that we are doing for these misguided ladies.

Benefits: Childcare is not easy. Along with all of the wonderful aspects of parenthood come the unfortunate temper tantrums, hitting, and general disregard for anything you have to say to them. Being a part of raising this child and seeing the negative aspects will remind these women that drug and alcohol abuse often lead to wild, crazy, unbelievably hot but sometimes unprotected sex. This sex could lead to an unwanted pregnancy and the additional baggage of having a douchebag such as Kevin Federline father the children and, as a result, remain on their payroll for the rest of their lives or at least until the child turns 18. This is sex education at its finest. Now, I know the question of leaving my child with the likes of a recovering female celebrity may seem a bit misguided on my part, but I will use the funding I get from the US Government to install high tech HD cameras all over my house – especially in the shower area where most addicts are likely to relapse – to monitor the proceedings. All of their proceedings during the day will be recorded and carefully observed on the monitors that are set up in my bedroom prior to me going to sleep at night. Additionally, in my absence I will have trained security personnel (mostly my buddies or anybody willing to make a donation to the “female celebrity recovery fund”) on hand to personally hand out the appropriate punishment should they ladies get out of line.

Another aspect of this is that they will be required to get up many times during the night to either take Ben to the bathroom, cover him up, or make French toast for Carol and I as we stumble in the house drunk off our asses at 3:00 in the morning. The benefit of this is that I will have French toast.

Step 5: The Challenge

Now, over the course of their recovery the ladies may happen to come across a refrigerator full or beer, a bag of weed in my underwear drawer, a few bottles of various uppers and downers in the toe of my snow boots in the back of my closet, or an 8-ball of cocaine hidden in the container of drill bits which is in the tool box in the workshop area of my garage. These are here strictly as a test for these young women. Should they find them, they are to return them directly to me and not say a word to Carol about them.

Benefits: The benefit of this is that it will prove them to be trustworthy. By not telling Carol that they found these items, they are showing me that our bond is a close one and that they have accepted me as their healer. I will simply ask them to bring the items to me, watch as I do them so that they see how stupid they look, and then return to their cot for some meditation.

Should they choose to break the rules though and utilize these items for their own personal use, our sexcurity cameras (oops, I mean security) will catch them in the act. Such an act would be considered a failure in their recovery program and would result in them having to start the 60 day healing and recovery process all over again. They would further be punished by being forced to go out and replace anything that they may have drank/smoked/swallowed/snorted by midnight that night. I only have so much – for the purposes of the test, that is.


Recovery: Should the ladies get through this 60 day process without breaking any of the rules, they will be forever cured and ready to rejoin society as a fully contributing member. There will also be a graduation ceremony filled with joy and a shitload of beer. Being fully recovered, they will ignore the beer and simply revel in the fact that me and all of my buddies are getting hammered in their honor. I fully expect these ladies to go on to prosperous music, television, movie, and even political careers. I only hope that when they do reach the pinnacle of their fame that they remember the one man that helped them achieve this success. I hope that they look back and realize that attending Dr. DJ Awesomesauce’s Female Celebrity Rehabilitation Center was the start of their new life – a life full of hope, love, and fulfilled dreams.

Now, if someone could start planting bags of coke in the purses of these women http://scottchronicles.blogspot.com/2010/06/top-five.html, I’d greatly appreciate it.

Thanks for reading.