Did You Miss Me?

After a much needed break from entertaining the masses with my highly comical yet extremely insightful blog, I have returned from my hiatus with absolutely nothing to talk about. Nothing at all. In fact, I debated whether or not I should even attempt to write one today as after such a long layoff, my devoted readers would be expecting more of my champagne quality humor at an even more elevated level due to the time I’ve had to contemplate my next entry. Unfortunately for you, the best I can do is give you…






More randumb thoughts.

I am destined to win $500 sometime soon on Rewind 103.3. I entered my name online and every week day at 9:00 am, noon, and 3:00 pm they draw and announce a name. Once my name is called I have 10 minutes and 33 seconds to call in and claim my prize. To be on the safe side, I’ve been calling the number three times everyday at 9:05 am, 12:05 pm, and 3:05 pm to ask if they had called my name just in case. If anything, they’re going to either purposely draw my name or just give me the $500 so that I leave them the hell alone. This plan can’t fail.

Is it wrong that I am in the process of convincing my son to start referring to me as DJ Awesomesauce?

I changed the water in Fishy McFisherson’s bowl this weekend. Unfortunately, even though I used tap water and didn’t put the drop of water purifier in the tank like the instructions recommend, the little bastard still didn’t die. I even “accidentally” dropped the poor guy on the family room carpet right in front of the dog and even she wouldn’t kill it. This fish will never die.

Speaking of my dog, she is the worst “dog” ever. She’s a very good girl and well mannered, but in terms of being a dog, she’s horrible. She can be laying on the deck looking at a rabbit hopping through the back yard and not even budge. She should be chasing those things down and eating them, but instead she just looks at them and will only give them a half-hearted chase if she’s prompted by Carol or me. Of course, she may just be too fat to get up. She does have a thyroid problem…

Regarding rabbits, I am on a mission to destroy any and all rabbits that enter my yard. At first they were cute and Ben was impressed by them, but they have proceeded to eat half of the hostas that I have growing in my front yard and I am now sick of them. As mentioned in previous blog entries, my lawn care skills are minimal at best (I even had to look up how to spell “hosta” – and I’m still not sure it’s correct) so the fact that I even know what those plants are called is amazing. I’ll be damned if some furry little reproduction machine is going to eat them all. It’s time to break out a lawnchair, 12 pack of Stag, and my slingshot.

My cell phone finally broke and I was forced to buy a new one. It had been literally hanging on by a thread for the past 3 months, but it finally broke in two pieces and I was forced to get a new Samsung Intensity II. Never heard of it? That’s not a surprise as when I asked for a non-smart phone (as I am non-smart) that didn’t require a data package, I was pointed to a dark staircase which went down two flights of stairs leading to an elevator that would take me down another 3 floors to the basement where they I was led along a dingy hallway with bare fluorescent light bulbs hanging from the ceiling and mold growing on the walls to a back room where they had a small table of four phones that I could choose from. Damn you technology and your discrimination against those of us who aren’t “tech savvy.” To piss the salesman off for making me feel ignorant, I didn’t even buy the accessory package which not only messes up his items per sale, but also his dollars per transaction (see Carol, I do listen to your stories about work).

Carol and I have been joking for a long time that we would either have another child or Carol would get a boob job. With Ben’s recent behavioral problems, it looks like we’ll be having twins.

I keep seeing on CNN.com all of the updates on the Chilean miners. It seems kind up dumb to me that they’re trapped down there in the first place. Don’t they know that chili grows on trees?

My buddy Jim asked me the other night what it took to get a mention in one of my blogs…

My buddy Jim is the proud owner of not one, but two, very nice Ford Mustang Shelby’s. I’d go into all of the specs that he tells me about to convince you how freaking awesome that these cars are, but I honestly have no clue what he’s talking about. Now, I’ve heard about guys buying fast cars to make up for a lack of size in a certain crotchular area, but Jesus Jim, how small does it have to be to require TWO Shelby’s?

You’ve now been mentioned…

By the way, I drive a 1993 Buick LeSabre which is not a fast car at all. Take that for what it’s worth.

Cholesterolapalooza is right around the corner. For those that don’t know, Cholesterolapalooza is an event that Carol and I started last year in which all of the attendees bring a dish that must include the bestest and tastiest meat product known to man – bacon. Yes, we eat a ton of bacon which is probably not the best thing health-wise for us, but one of the by-products is that you consume so much grease that it is almost impossible to get drunk no matter how much you drink, thereby saving your liver. If you are free on 9/25 come on by and participate. Last year was a blast and I’m sure this year’s will be also.

We’ve also determined that next year’s event will be held on a different weekend. Somehow we forgot again this year and picked the weekend where I think either three of four of our friends all have birthday parties for their kids. It’s not intentional guys, we’re just not that good at remembering things.



Apparently, Lady Gaga wore a dress made of meat to the VMA’s this past weekend. I’m all for being outrageous, but that’s just plain disgusting. No joke here, I just wanted to say how freaking gross that really is.

While we’re on the subject of the VMA’s, I watched a video of Justin F*cking Beiber’s performance from the event. Gotta say, I just don’t get it. She’s not even that cute. Maybe I’ll change my mind once she gets her boobies.

I’m going to the Cardinals/Cubs game tomorrow night with my buddy Chris. As he reminded me last night via text once I mentioned that the game didn’t have the same feel as a normal Cards/Cubs game, it’s been since before 2003 that neither one of them has been in first place this late in the season. All I have to say is, c’mon Cardinals – you can’t always rely on the Cubs to win the division. You have to do your part once in awhile too…

I need a toy moose for my desk. I already have a chimpanzee, a penguin, and a pig. I now need a moose to add to my collection.

They just announced a name for the $500 winner on 103.3. It wasn’t me. I’ll call in a few minutes to verify that.

I was forwarded an email of “inspirational” posters and came across one that made me LOL (see, I’m hip). It said “Blogging – Never have so many people with so little to say said so much to so few.” Yep, that’s about right.

I’ve just been threatened by the employees of 103.3 that if I continue to call, my name will be withdrawn from the competition. My plan is working to perfection.

The other night at around 7:30, Ben asked me if he could have a banana. Realizing that he goes to bed at 8:00 and that the natural sugars in a banana would make it difficult for him to fall asleep, I told him no. He then asked for an apple which based on prior reasoning resulted in the same response. Knowing that he was hungry, however, and not wanting him to go to bed on an empty stomach, I gave him a bowl full of chips. And THAT my friends, is why I am DJ Awesomesauce.



Thanks for reading.