Nothing Left to Say

He had never in a million years thought that he would get back on that horse– but the time had come.

The year was 1988 and in Moscow, Russia young Mitslov Kologrivov had been making a name for himself in the entertainment industry. After graduating high school he immediately began dancing in the Saint Petersburg Ballet, a longtime dream of his, but was soon dismissed due to his enormous genitalia. Rumor has it that while all of the female dancers were begging to be his partner, the seamstress was having a difficult time creating patterns and costumes that would mask his mighty manhood. After having trained for ballet his entire life only to be thwarted by the Russian Nightmare that he was hiding in his jockeys, Mitslov began thinking of other avenues in the entertainment business that he could pursue.

One day, while sitting in Red Square watching a juggling act, he noticed that the barker was having a difficult time getting the audience’s attention. Mitslov noticed that no matter how loud the barker made his voice, it just didn’t have the right tone. There was nothing compelling or extraordinary about it at all. Being the owner of a deep, yet pleasant voice, Mitslov made the decision to approach the barker and offer his assistance. Within seconds of picking up the megaphone and shouting for the audience to come and witness the amazing Kiprisov Brothers Juggling Act, the corner was filled with people watching and listening in amazement at the performers in front of them. The Kiprisov Brothers quickly dismissed their previous barker and hired Mitslov on the spot for a salary of two pieces of bread per week. Mitslov had found his calling.

After working with the Kiprisov Brothers for a few years, Mitslov began exploring other avenues in which he could lend his vocal talents. He began doing radio voice over work for clothing items such as hats and coats, and then eventually transitioned into television commercials for restaurants such as McDonalds. Before he knew it, Mitslov had so much radio and TV work to do that he had to quit the Kiprisov Brothers in order to make time for it all.

Additionally, young Mitslov was earning quite a living for himself. He was quickly becoming the face of Russian television and it was expected amongst the entertainment insiders that he would soon become the next big Russian star. He now had his own nightly talk show and was a frequent host for television events such as the Russian Grammys (The Rammy’s) the Russian Oscars (The Roscars) and the Russian Opry Independent Dancing awards (The Roids). He was so popular, in fact, that they were in talks to make a movie about his life in which he would both produce and star in. Mitslov Kologrivov had made a name for himself.

Not only did he have fame, but he also had fortune. Mitslov was living in a huge house and was constantly surrounded by beautiful women and countless other celebrities. He was a favorite of the media and was often photographed driving luxury cars and having outrageous parties. He was living the life.

Unfortunately, with fame comes the seduction of an unhealthy lifestyle. Like many before him and the many that will follow, Mitslov began dabbling heavily in prescription drugs and alcohol. After awhile of abusing those items, Mitslov started experimenting with heavier things such as cocaine and heroin. At first he would only use when it was convenient and never let it affect his jobs, but inevitably Mitslov began missing work and, when he did show up, performing terribly. It got to the point where rather than walking through a door, Mitslov would stumble through and fall to the floor. One of his comrades would pick him up and sit him on a nearby couch, but Mitslov would slump over and pass out until a few minutes before the show was to start. At that point, his helpers would administer whatever drug was needed to shake him from his current state and he would be revived enough to go on, but it just wasn’t the same Mitslov that the Russian nation had grown to love.

Eventually, Mitslov was fired from all of his different ventures and was left to wallow in nothing but addiction, debt, and self pity. His comrades had abandoned him and the Russian beauties that were constantly at his side were no more. Due to his inhuman man-package he was often able to whore himself out to settle bills or get his next score, but eventually time took its toll and even the Russian Bear could perform no more. In one last desperate attempt to feel anything, young Mitslov took a needle and injected heroin directly into his temple giving him the high of a lifetime but leaving him virtually dead.

Three days later when his incoherent moans became too much for his neighbor to bear, his near lifeless body was discovered and he was rushed to a local hospital. It was discovered that while he would make an almost complete recovery, the heroin had affected the part of his brain that dictated vocabulary. So while Mitslov was going to live a mostly normal life, he had lost the one thing he had that had made him famous – his voice.

Devastated by this news, Mitslov vowed to turn his life around for the better. After he left the hospital, he went directly to a rehab facility in order to shake the demons that had affected him for too long. With the help of strenuous therapy and a wonderful caring staff, Mitslov was soon clean and sober and ready again to take on the world. He knew that he had burned bridges in the entertainment industry, but he hoped that maybe he could be forgiven and given one more chance in a production role.

Luckily, one of the nurses in the rehab facility that he had attended happened to be the sister of the executive producer of the upcoming Roids celebration. Upon mentioning to him how well Mitslov was doing and how seriously he was taking his newfound sobriety, the executive producer became interested and decided to give Mitslov another chance. Mitslov was thrilled to hear the news and headed out to work the next day with the intent of reclaiming his proper place in the upper echelon of Russian society.

Three weeks in to the new job, Mitslov was flourishing. Granted, all of his communication had to be done via pen and paper, but his points were communicated well and the results were phenomenal. The Roids were going to burst out of the television screen this year and Mitslov was going to be given full credit for it. There was nothing that could stop him now.

For all of the success that was bound to come his way, however, Mitslov still felt that there was something missing. He regretted with all of his heart the way that his career in front of the camera had ended and wanted just one opportunity to relive that glory again. But, with no ability to speak, what could he possibly do in front of a camera that would allow him that satisfaction? Having nothing in mind, Mitslov continued on with his producer role and did it to the best of his ability.

Then one day, as if fate were calling on him, Mitslov received horrible but fantastic news. Yakov Smirnoff, who had been scheduled to perform the opening to the show, had to cancel only two days prior to the event. Attempts were made to coerce other Russian celebrities such as Nikolai Volkoff of WWF fame, the guy who played Drago in Rocky IV, and a gaggle of hockey players, but no one was going to be able to perform on such short notice. It was then that Mitslov got his idea.

So, after years of making a name for himself and a very brief time tearing it all down, Mitslov used some 60’s psychedelic visuals which were just now becoming popular in Russia, a brown suit, and a model of the entrance gates to Graceland to set the scene for the one thing he knew that he and his enormous manhood could still do.

Trololo


Mitslov Kologrivov never appeared in front of the camera again, but will be known throughout Russian history as one of the bravest, most horribly lip syncing men of all time.

Cheers to you Mitslov.


Thanks for the link Dan

And Thanks for reading