26 Bitches

*Warning. If you don't have access to some sort of media player or Youtube is inaccessible where your're at, wait until later to read this. It's pretty useless without it*

Before I get started with today’s blog, I’m going to let you all in on a little secret – I watch St. Louis Cardinals baseball games. Yes, the Cubs are now and forever will be my team, but I don’t get Comcast in Belleville and I am not about to shell out the $250.00 that DirecTV charges for the MLB package. As a result, unless they are broadcast on WGN, ESPN, or Fox I don’t get to see many Cub games. The problem is that I still need to get my baseball fix so, as much as I don’t want to, I watch the Cardinals. Don’t get me wrong – I’m watching in hopes that they lose every damn game and that somehow their entire dugout explodes into a fiery ball, but unfortunately neither seems likely to happen. I also like to watch because I love baseball and rather than just be well schooled on my team, I want to know as much about the Cub’s biggest rival in order to hold my own in the conversations/debates that I often find myself getting into.

But that ‘s not what I’m going to talk about today.

Today, I’m going to talk about bitches.

Prior to Monday’s game, the Cincinnati Reds all-star second baseman Brandon Phillips had the following to say:

“I’d play against these guys with one leg. We have to beat these guys. I hate the Cardinals. All they do is bitch and moan about everything, all of them, they’re little bitches, all of ‘em.
“I really hate the Cardinals. Compared to the Cardinals, I love the Chicago Cubs. Let me make this clear: I hate the Cardinals.”

Now while I do love these comments for various reasons, a brouhaha of some sort was bound to erupt once his words reached the Cardinals dugout. And, sure enough, once Phillips got to the plate Tuesday night, the fireworks (and not the explosion in the Cardinals dugout that I was praying for) began.

This is when the real “bitch” emerged.

I had a link from Youtube here, but MLB must have ordered its removal as when I went to verify it prior to posting, it was gone. Either way, during the altercation, both benches cleared and there was a lot of pushing, shoving, and screaming. Amidst this, the players and coaches ended up pushing back towards the backstop where a bunch of players, namely Reds starting pitcher Johny Cueto was being forced against the wall. In order to either escape/fight his way out, he ended up kicking several Cardinal players in the back.

I’ve been discussing this with my buddy Chris since last night and since then, my feelings have changed. As I admitted to him this morning, sometimes my severe dislike for the Cardinals sometimes blinds me a little and as a result, I defended Cueto under the premise that he was being smashed against a wall by a mob of 40+ very angry men and kicking might have been his survival instinct. While I still partially agree with my initial statement, surely there could have been a more masculine and safe way to get out of that situation. Seriously? Kicking? On top of that , he was kicking with metal spikes at people’s faces and backs. And, even if kicking was his only option, couldn’t he have kicked at the players legs or somewhere else less dangerous than their faces? There, Brandon Phillips, is your bitch.

Because I love Youtube, baseball fights, and saying “bitch” so much, let’s review some more baseball fights where players act like bitches (by my count, that’s eight “bitches” so far. Make that nine now).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BnF3UTv-Abo

While I respect the pitcher for both the payback pitch and the ensuing jack to the jaw which flat out dropped the batter, why in the hell did he run away? If you’ve got that kind of knockout power, stand in there and take out a few more guys. Don’t run away like a little bitch (10) and let your teammates finish the fight for you. What are you, a Detroit Redwing?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=78wwGbijFXw

This one was shown over, and over, and over (and then over again) on ESPN but I never get sick of it. This dude had a game plan and went through with it. However, you don’t just up and decide “Hey, maybe I’ll deliver some sweet chin music to the catcher before charging the mound and flailing my arms like a windmill” on the spot. That has to be planned out. And if you have something that’s bothering you enough that you need to premeditate an attack of that sort, your bitch (11) ass should have taken care of the situation at the time that it occurred.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cJWaGxVh-tI

This has to be one of the biggest bitch (12) moves of all time. I understand that a man who very closely resembles a bull was charging him, and Pedro, who I’m sure is accustomed to bull fights relied on his natural instinct to dodge the bull and throw him to the ground (Yes, I know he’s Domincan. But he speaks Spanish and I associate that with Spain and I, in turn, associate that with bull fighting – stop judging me). But, even though Zimmer might resemble a bull, he was a 72 year old (yes, 72) bull who would have been easy to out run. Instead Martinez, in one of the most horrible yet twistedly funny moments in baseball history, threw his old wrinkled bottom to the ground. This, Pedro, makes you a bitch (13).

The good news is, Pedro knew he was a bitch (14) and, although it wasn’t related to this incident, was not ashamed to say so (sorry about the commercial – damn MLB).

http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=7097699&topic_id=7224328

Although he only referenced the Yankees as “my daddy” we know what he really meant: I’m the Yankees bitch (15)

However, if you want to see the true definition of being someone’s bitch (16), I highly recommend watching this clip.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WNETI5AbxOo

Nolan Ryan, at the ripe old age of 46, took Robin Ventura, a guy almost half his age and gave him a the beat down of a lifetime.While Ventura would go on to have a very good major league career, he was never able to shed the dubious title of being Nolan Ryan’s bitch (17).

So there, Brandon Phillips, is what “bitches” (18) are. And while I agree with the premise of your argument, you need to back it up. Bitches (19) are not an organization that has 10 World Series titles. Bitches (20) are not a group of guys who, rather than fight back with words choose to hit back where it hurts – on the field and in the standings. And bitches (21) are not a team who has been to the playoffs more times than you’ve blown out birthday candles. Bitches (22) are people who kick, throw old people to the ground, and run away from a fight. Bitches (23) are people who don’t know when to keep their mouths shut. And apparently, bitches (24) are guys that run their trap and then proceed to go 1for 9 in the first two games of a very important series. Maybe you should follow Pedro’s lead and, rather than swatting at a hornet’s nest, just call the Cardinals your daddy.

Jesus, that sounded like a pro-Cardinals blog. But as I stated to Chris earlier, as much as I hate the Cardinals, I do respect them (most of the time). They are the Ron Burgundy to my Wes Mantooth.

Here’s one other baseball fight you may enjoy. It’s one of the most gruesome, disgusting things I’ve ever seen and really couldn’t come up with a bitch (25) in it, so I’ll just leave you with it. Be warned that this is very explicit content.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G7D8aDp3RUs

Koreans make me laugh

Later bitches! (26)

Thanks for reading.