A few nights ago, Carol and I were having a wonderful conversation on the back deck when I proposed this question to her: If you could be any person in the history of the world for one month, looking like they look, knowing what they know, having all the money that they have, and be able to come back after that month with a full recollection of everything you experienced as that person, who would you be?
As I asked that, I started to think about who I would be and my mind went directly to celebrity cock-smiths. I thought of Brad Pitt during the time that he was sleeping with Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston (not at the same time, but wouldn’t that be awesome if he did? I’d quit my job and begin building an altar to him this very minute if I found out that was true). I also thought of Justin Timberlake because he’s just a cool cat who gets to date a TON of hot women. Then, of course, I went to George Clooney because dating beautiful women while sailing around Italy and the French Riviera all of the time sounds like a really tough life.
But then I started thinking of sports figures. I would love to be Michael Jordan during his first run of championships with the Bulls. I’d hit the clutch shot, win an NBA trophy, and be king of the world. The thing with Jordan is he was always gambling and I really don’t want to deal with a bookie. And, before it’s all said and done, I think a lot more about MJ’s private life is going to come out and I don’t think the public is going to like it that much. I don’t want to deal with drama during my one month hiatus.
I also thought of John Lennon. I think it would be amazing to experience Beatlemania as only a Beatle could (prior to meeting Yoko). Just having his brain and ability to transfer his thoughts into words and music that has lasted 50 years now would be mind-boggling. For that matter though, I wouldn’t mind being any of the Beatles because, in all honesty, I think I would have more fun hanging out with John Lennon than being him. I could be Paul McCartney and collaborate with John, or I could be Ringo and just watch the two of them work their magic first hand. Of course, as I write this “My Sweet Lord” by George Harrison just came on the radio, so maybe that’s a sign that I should be him. Either way, any Beatle would be awesome.
At the end of the conversation, I had made up my mind but it wasn’t any of the people listed above. My final pick was actually a suggestion from Carol that I am devastated I didn’t think of mysef. It was a brilliant pick that makes all the sense in the world, but I will share who that is with you later.
As intriguing as I found this question and the more and more that I thought of other options, I presented this question to my buddy Jeff last night. During that conversation we thought of a few minor details about the question that would need to be addressed. For instance, if you lived as a rich man, could you bring money back with you when you assumed your regular life? If that were the case, Jeff decided he would want to be Bill Gates. After I reminded him that he’d also look like Bill Gates, he said that he would just pay women to find him attractive.
Good plan, actually.
Given that line of thinking, I think I would want to be one of those Indian oil men who live in the gold and diamond encrusted palaces. What those guys earn in the one month that I assumed their life could sustain me and my future generations forever and ever. Plus, as Jeff said, I could just pay women to find me attractive. And given the fact that I’d probably be a prince of some sort, I’d have an entire harem of women. How cool would that be?
After that conversation, however, I began to think more responsibly and wondered if given that opportunity, shouldn’t I go back and change world events. But that changes the rules a bit. I mean, if I was Michael Jordan for a week, I would be expecting the same abilities and results that he had. I would hate to be him, miss the final shot, cost the Bulls a championship, and alter the course of sports history forever. At the same time though, if I were to go back as a historical figure I would want the ability to right some of the wrongs of World History.
Would I want to be Adolf Hitler in the months prior to his decision to attempt to wipe out an entire race of people? Would I have and use his passion and strength to head Germany in a positive direction that did not require the deaths of so many Jewish people? If I did that though, what would the effect on America be? Would I resume my current life in an America that is under German control? How would that alter history as we know it?
Would I want to be Osama Bin Laden? Maybe I could be Bin Laden during the month of September 2001 and prevent the horrible tragedy of 9/11. Granted, that would essentially wipe out any career that Toby Keith has made for himself, but I think the positives far outweigh that negatives there and it would be for the best. If I do that, however, does the US still invade Iraq and depose it’s ruling faction? Would Saddam Hussein still be around terrorizing his people and surrounding countries?
Would I want to be Jeff Gilooly and tell Tanya Harding to take out Nancy Kerrigan’s knee her damn self? Would Nancy have been able to pull out gold? Would she make enough money from endorsements made available to her from her Olympic victory to get her horse teeth filed down?
While the merits of going back to change history so that some despicable events are avoided, I get worried about the lasting effects and the changes to the world when I returned to my normal self. I would love to do a good deed, but for anyone who’s seen “Back to the Future,” you know how changing even the slightest event from the past can affect the future. Doc Emmit Brown was no dummy.
I posted this question on Facebook yesterday and got various responses. My buddy Chris would be Hunter S Thompson during the days of penning “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas”, Wendy and Melissa both said Marilyn Monroe, and Sara said either the Dali Lhama, Barack Obama, or Osama Bin Laden. It was even suggested by Kathy that I would like to be Lindsay Lohan. While this would be cool on SOOOOOOOOOOOO many disgusting and perverse levels, I just don’t think that it would be worth it to be her for a month. I would hate to have a 30 day hangover and a bad case of the herps.
So, who did I pick? Well, let me tell you. I picked someone with fame, fortune, and a laid back lifestyle. I picked someone who is constantly surrounded by beautiful women. I picked someone who is so cool, that the cool people come to see him just so that they can be cooler. I picked someone who throws great parties, is dapper, and gets to walk around in his pajamas – all the time. That’s right, I’m talking about Hugh Hefner.
As much as I’d like to be responsible with this decision, being Hugh Hefner for a month in the 70’s would just be too much fun to pass up. I’d constantly be surrounded by beautiful women who are dying to get naked for me, celebrities who come to my parties because they know it’s the place to be seen, and a ton of animals in my own private zoo. I’d have an amazing mansion to live in, a fantastic pool and grotto, and a jet to fly me anywhere around the world whenever I wanted. Also, because living in someone’s body for a month also includes doing their job, I would HAVE to go to work looking at pictures of naked women all day long. Rough life, huh?
I thought about jumping into Hugh Hefner’s life during his run with the Girls Next Door, but why would I want to be in an 80 year old man’s body when I could be him in his own personal prime? Holly, Bridgette, and Kendra are all really hot, but do you really think he was able to do anything with them that didn’t require two blue pills, four hours of waiting, and then 30 seconds to remove his diaper? I’ll take Hef in the 70s any day of the week.
When I presented this option to Jeff, he was baffled (as was I when Carol thought of it for me). We tried to think of anyone cooler to be and just could not. I then posed this question to Jeff: “Does this make Hugh Hefner the coolest man ever?”
We definitely think so.
Now, I want to know what you think. Would you be responsible? Would you just have a lot of fun? What factors in this decision am I missing that could possibly change my mind? Who would you be, when, and why?
On a side note, I highly recommend being me for a month. I love my life and have a lot of fun being me. There’s never a dull moment and you get to be married to my beautiful wife. If you do this, however, you may NOT have any physical contact with Carol. There is a couch in the living room that is more than comfortable. This is my game and I make the rules. Deal with it.
Let me know what you think. I’m really looking forward to this.
Thanks for reading.
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