More Randumb Thoughts

I haven’t had a batch of randumb thoughts in a while…


There’s nothing like a good ol’ story of potential anal sex to keep your mother from commenting on your blog : )

Judging by the stat tracker on my blog, I have a reader in Italy. I’m going to assume that it’s my friend Adrienne who is in Europe for the summer, but it’s still pretty cool looking at the map and seeing an arrow in someplace other than the US. If it’s not Adrienne, then Il mio amico Adrienne è piuttosto caldo e si dovrebbe controllare fuori mentre ha la sua laggiù. Ho sentito che lei è abbastanza facile.

Speaking of foreign countries on my map, why are no Canadians reading my blog? I figured that my humor would fit right into their beady-eyed flappy-headed lifestyles. If any of you know any Canadians and aren’t ashamed to admit it, you should tell them about my blog.

LiLo is out of the slammer (thank God) and has begun her stint in rehab. Apparently while she was in prison she occupied her time by filling close to four notebooks with stories about her life. And to think that I was worried about MY parents being ashamed of me by reading about my past behavior.

I am obsessed with Ben’s ant farm. His Uncle Donnie and Aunt Brit (but I’m guessing more Uncle Donnie : ) ) got him one for his birthday and it is the coolest thing ever. Instead of dirt it’s filled with a bluish gel and you can see them digging tunnels and everything. Also, Carol discovered that if you blow into one of the air holes, all of the ants go insane! It’s fun for the whole family.

On a related note, it’s not a good idea to have a few beers and then take the lid off of the ant farm to try and extract the ants that are simply laying there and appear to be dead with Q-Tips. They aren’t necessarily dead.

I have determined that for my entire existence on this earth, I will perpetually have one big pimple on my face at all times. It is officially unavoidable. The one currently occupying my forehead is nodding in agreement.

I’m going to be teaching my wife Carol and possibly our friend Sasha how to massage by using them as guinea pigs for each other. That way, they’ll be hurting each other during the process instead of me. Also, I’ll have two hot oiled-up women in the same room with me while touching each other. But mostly, it’s for touching… I mean teaching purposes. Really…

It’s hot. Nothing humerous about that at all. It’s just plain freaking hot.

Every so often, Carol will make a batch of potato casserole and I’ll grill up some brats with the intention of having a ton of leftovers for lunches and evenings that she works. As I enter the third consecutive day of eating the aforementioned meal, however, I’m a little nauseated at the fact that 1) I have to eat it for lunch – again, and 2) there’s still more left at the house.

I took Ben to the library the other day to pick out some books, but the only books he wanted were based off of TV shows like Dora the Explorer, Sesame Street, and Diego. I’m not sure if that says more about the fabulous marketing of the television stations or my horrible practices as a parent. I say we blame Canada.

I’ve decided on a very life-altering event. I’ve decided to think long and hard about a time that I can sit down to contemplate a good time that I can seriously consider an opportune time to quit smoking.

Baby steps

As much as I love the movie “The Hangover,” I now can’t listen to Phil Collin’s “In the Air Tonight” without seeing Mike Tyson air-drumming and then ducking for fear that he’s going to hit me.

On a related note, for fans of Zack Galianfaiabkaldadkakis from The Hangover, check out http://www.funnyordie.com/between_two_ferns.

Apparently the bats have left my yard and are now across town at my buddy Chris’s and his girlfriend Sarah’s house as Chris sent me a text last night that he saw a few and then went inside. To quote him “I can water the garden in the morning.” See! It’s not just me. Those bastards are creepy! (not Chris and Sarah. Well, maybe Chris and Sarah, but mostly the bats)

My Cubs have lost the last four games by a combined score of 49-15. I’ll send a prize to whomever can come up with the best punchline for that one. Seriously. Take your best shot.

I’m gonna vomit if I eat one more bite of this potato casserole.

The actor Christopher Meloni was just on a radio ad. You may know him from Law and Order: SVU but I know him from the HBO prison series Oz. I tried to watch Law and Order, but I just can’t take him seriously because I’ve seen him naked too many times. Maybe that explains why Carol is always laughing at me.

Brett Favre is retiring. Again. Maybe.

On a nice note, Carol and I spent a really fun night a few Saturday’s ago at the Pour House in Bellevegas for my oldest friend and Endless Love Wendy’s birthday party. I have known Wendy longer than anybody who is not related to me and have loved her every day of it. She is a sweet, beautiful person who was lucky enough to have found her soulmate in her equally awesome husband Chris. Happy birthday Miss Wendy. I am lucky to have you in my life.

On a not so nice note, my co-workers who are playing on the internet ALL FREAKING DAY still can’t find the decency to take five minutes out of their afternoon to read my blog. I will continue to call these suck-asses out until they see this and tell me to stop. So, until that moment, you all can suck it!

To the rest of you,

Thanks for reading