I’m going to cheat today and use an old email that I had sent to my buddies Chris and Dan a few years ago. Chris has asked me to post this as it makes him laugh out loud every time he reads it. I find it pretty funny, albeit very embarrassing, also. I have cleaned up the language because my mother reads this, but for the most part, this is the text that I sent to them on that fateful day. I hope my humiliation makes you smile.
Written circa 2006
“Okay, so every morning I take a vitamin at 7:30 (not a specific time, that's just when I get to it). Now, I'm supposed to eat before I take it, but I never do. As a result of taking the vitamin on an empty stomach, around 9:30 every morning I get a little rumble in my stomach. I don't have to take a crap, but I have a buildup of gas that is out of this world. On an average day, I'm able to hold it until 11:00 when I leave for lunch and as I walk out to my car, I leave a trail of gas and sound that you can hear over the aircrafts on the runway. It's quite impressive and have often thought of recording it because every debut album needs a 10 second long fart on it (I'm not kidding on the length - the one time in my life when I don't lie about length).
I'm sure you can see where this is going.
So, around 9:30 this morning, I got the rumble. I was dealing well with it and didn't see any problem with holding it until 11:00 (some awful mornings I have to go the bathroom and release the gaseous beast) so I went on with my day. Well, my boss came to my desk about 10:00 to ask me some questions. At that point I realized that, hmm, maybe I can't wait until 11:00, but really had no chance of getting away so I had to stick it out. Well, the rumble grew worse. And worse. I was getting to the point where if I didn't fart soon, something was going to explode in my stomach. I decided that I was going to let out a squeaker (they don't smell, they're just long and loud) even though my boss was at my desk with me. I figured I could let out a silent one and no one would notice. Once I realized that I was going to fart right in front of my boss, my better judgment came through and I made the immediate decision to suck that fart back up into my butt.
Unfortunately, at the moment that I decided to suck it up, someone came into my office and cracked a joke about my bosses chest (or lack thereof). Well, I laughed - which was a very bad move. What I had originally planned to be a silent puff of stomach easing wind suddenly came out as a call to the wild. The first one squeaked out as most squeakers do, but my body has become accustomed to letting it all out at once... After the longest 3 seconds of laughing and farting and farting because I'm laughing and laughing because I'm farting, I was able to get up from my desk and make it into the bathroom to release the rest of it, which of course was audible to everyone outside the bathroom as well.
I came out of the bathroom 10 minutes later and was still red as a beat. I have since apologized to everyone and never want to come back here again.”
Written circa 2006
“Okay, so every morning I take a vitamin at 7:30 (not a specific time, that's just when I get to it). Now, I'm supposed to eat before I take it, but I never do. As a result of taking the vitamin on an empty stomach, around 9:30 every morning I get a little rumble in my stomach. I don't have to take a crap, but I have a buildup of gas that is out of this world. On an average day, I'm able to hold it until 11:00 when I leave for lunch and as I walk out to my car, I leave a trail of gas and sound that you can hear over the aircrafts on the runway. It's quite impressive and have often thought of recording it because every debut album needs a 10 second long fart on it (I'm not kidding on the length - the one time in my life when I don't lie about length).
I'm sure you can see where this is going.
So, around 9:30 this morning, I got the rumble. I was dealing well with it and didn't see any problem with holding it until 11:00 (some awful mornings I have to go the bathroom and release the gaseous beast) so I went on with my day. Well, my boss came to my desk about 10:00 to ask me some questions. At that point I realized that, hmm, maybe I can't wait until 11:00, but really had no chance of getting away so I had to stick it out. Well, the rumble grew worse. And worse. I was getting to the point where if I didn't fart soon, something was going to explode in my stomach. I decided that I was going to let out a squeaker (they don't smell, they're just long and loud) even though my boss was at my desk with me. I figured I could let out a silent one and no one would notice. Once I realized that I was going to fart right in front of my boss, my better judgment came through and I made the immediate decision to suck that fart back up into my butt.
Unfortunately, at the moment that I decided to suck it up, someone came into my office and cracked a joke about my bosses chest (or lack thereof). Well, I laughed - which was a very bad move. What I had originally planned to be a silent puff of stomach easing wind suddenly came out as a call to the wild. The first one squeaked out as most squeakers do, but my body has become accustomed to letting it all out at once... After the longest 3 seconds of laughing and farting and farting because I'm laughing and laughing because I'm farting, I was able to get up from my desk and make it into the bathroom to release the rest of it, which of course was audible to everyone outside the bathroom as well.
I came out of the bathroom 10 minutes later and was still red as a beat. I have since apologized to everyone and never want to come back here again.”
...
BTW, I have discontinued taking said vitamin
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