Thankfulocity

It’s Thanksgiving and it’s time for me to sit back and ponder all of the things that I’m thankful for. Obviously family, friends, and gainful employment top that list, but I’m going to delve deeper in the dark recesses of my slightly warped and generally twisted mind to think of the things that make me thankful on a purely superficial basis. This list will never be complete because due to my childlike need for instant gratification, my wants, needs, and eternal search for temporary happiness changes by the day – if not by the hour. I will, however, attempt to compile as thorough a list (albeit in no particular order) as I possibly can in honor of this great holiday of ours.

I’m thankful for:

Snickers bars

Undercleavage

3 home run games in the Road to the Show mode of MLB 2010 The Show

Funderwear

No one giving a crap about Jon, Kate, or any of their plus 8 anymore.

Sporcle.com

Not having heard Adam Sandler’s Thanksgiving song yet this week

Hookers and coke (oh, wait. Nevermind. That’s on Charlie Sheen’s list)

Hookers

The first drink of Mt Dew of the day.

The Cardinals not making the playoffs

Junior Mints

Long hot showers on cold days

The rich guy from the DirecTV commercials when he kisses the miniature giraffe

Free porn

Fantasy sports

Lindsay Lohan’s successful rehabilit… I almost got that out without laughing.

Ice cold Stag

Reruns of “How I Met Your Mother”

Politically incorrect jokes (I have a new favorite)

Professional wrestling

Blowing your nose and having it empty out properly rather than having to dig in with a tissue covering your finger to get that one hanger-on so that you’re basically picking your nose but it’s “acceptable” because you’re doing it with protection.

The internet overlords not going through all of the websites on a regular basis and deleting those with low traffic

Side boobie

Finding “The Godfather” (1-2), “Shawshank Redemption,” “Training Day,” “Rocky” (1-4), “Goodfellas,” “Steel Magnolias,” and “Anchorman” on TV and not being able to do anything else until the movie is over.

Scotty time (and, no that has nothing to do with also being thankful for free porn)

Cereal

Waking up a few seconds before my alarm clock goes off so that I can turn it off before it starts to break into some random song that will be stuck in my head throughout my entire morning shower.

Wendy’s spicy chicken sandwich (2 please!)

Little chocolate donuts

Jack Black no longer being the “funny” guy in Hollywood

Hooters (the restaurant)

Hooters (the boobs)

The Blues and Rams playing well this year

Chocolate Chip anything

Freedom of speech so that the lady at Midas was able to freely ask me if I thought Larry King used Viagra to be able to “get his shit up” so that he could bang his money-grubbing wife.

YMP

Fleece in any and all forms. If I could take an actual live sheep and wrap it around my shoulders to keep me warm, I would name him Larry and do it in a second.

Chuckwagon!!!

Not being murdered about 12 years ago when my sister Melissa, my girlfriend Amie, and I went to Best Buy on Black Friday at 6:00 am to get my parents a DVD player and rather than wait in the long line I figured that I’d just wait around the entrance and walk directly in as soon as they opened the doors only to find out that a line of about 50-75 had soon formed behind me almost causing a riot between the people in the original line and the people who were in my line.

Circuit City being safely across the street.

Bristol Palin NOT winning DWTS

York Peppermint Patties

FX original series (between Always Sunny in Philadelphia, The League, and Archer I laugh at more inappropriate things than should be legally allowed)

Grandpa’s Thanksgiving dressing

Sneezing and having something chunky shoot out of your throat but because your eyes are closed when you sneeze you have no idea what it was or where it went. Those frantic couple of seconds following that sneeze are the best. The only thing that makes that situation better is when you can’t find it and you spend the rest of the day casually checking your clothing and surrounding furniture for anything out of the ordinary.

Bacon

Cee Lo Green’s “F*** You”

Plain ol’ regular cleavage

Maurizios all you can eat lunch buffet for $9.00 after I’ve been out drinking the night before.

Being dismissed from work early on days before holidays.

Southwest Airlines Wanna-Get-Away fares. I can buy a ticket for $59, go to the airport with no luggage, and wait in the TSA line where I can see naked women in the new x-ray scanners. As a bonus, after I get all worked up by the naked women I get felt up by security after I make it up there myself. It’s kind of like going to a strip club but much cleaner and much, much cheaper.

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At this point I have to share a joke. It’s not the politically incorrect one I mentioned above, but given my love/obsession with the topic, I thought you might enjoy it.

Did you hear that there’s a new shot called the Lindsay Lohan? It’s a red-headed slut mixed with a little bit of coke.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Thanks for reading