I mentioned to my wife the other night that I may write a
blog about the following incident and she didn’t exactly tell me “no”. Given
that fact, I am going to assume that I have her full permission to share the
following story with you about one of our first dates. If I’m wrong in my
assumption that it is okay to share this story with you, hopefully one of you
will have a couch for me to crash on for a couple of nights while this blows
over at my house. Carol, when you read this, remember that I married you
regardless of this incident so hopefully you can forgive me regardless of my
never ending idiocy.
Here we go
Without getting into the entire backstory of how Carol and I
met, how we were separated, and how we reconnected a number of years later, I
will simply tell you that Carol and I knew each other prior to our first date. In
fact, we had even slept together our Freshman year in college, if by “slept
together” you mean falling asleep in a room full of people while watching a
movie while lying on the same twin mattress while back to back and having as
little physical contact with the other one as possible since we were just
friends and were both in significant relationships with other people. But that
is neither here nor there. The bottom line is that when we started dating years
later instead of having that uncomfortable “getting to know you” phase, we
simply had a “getting reacquainted with you” phase. This made things very easy
as we pretty much fell right into a groove with very little awkwardness.
Well, it started out that way.
I’m not sure how many “dates” we were into our relationship,
but it was very early on and one of, if not the, first time I had met her
sister, brother-in-law, niece, and nephew whom she was living with at the time.
Knowing them as well as I do now, I understand why after quick introductions to
each of them, Carol quickly ushered me downstairs to the basement away from
them and to the couch where we would spend our evening watching “Mr. Deeds”
with Adam Sandler. Not that they horrible people or anything, but let’s just
say that anybody new who shows up to my wife’s family is given almost every embarrassing
fact of the family member they are there with within the first 20 minutes.
Since joining the family I have become a proud participant in this ritual and
it’s a lot of fun. Carol was right to run me downstairs and she was right to do
it quickly.
Once we got downstairs we made out like high schoolers at
prom for a good 45-50 minutes. I mean, this chick was all over me. It was all I
could do to push her away as I really wanted to watch this movie. Plus, being
the good Catholic boy that I am, I had a much higher set of morals than Carol
who, as I first incorrectly introduced her to my grandma, was pagan.
(Okay, most of that last paragraph is a lie. We may have
smooched for a bit, but more than likely it was me that had both initiated it
and also wouldn’t leave her alone. And it was probably only for about 45
seconds – a trend that would unfortunately not end there. The part about me
introducing her to my grandma as a pagan was 100% true.)
Anyway, we snuggled up on the nice leather couch that was in
the basement and turned on the movie. It was an okay movie that definitely had
its funny parts but nothing super hysterical. Now, while I mentioned that the “getting
to know you” phase wasn’t necessary, we were still feeling each other up, I
mean out, as far as dating goes so there was a bit of nervousness in the air.
Nothing extraordinary, but there were still some jitters to be had and things
we had to experience with each other to take that next step in our
relationship.
One of those experiences was about to happen.
Now, I mentioned that it was an okay movie that had funny
parts, but I find it amazing how much funnier something can be when you’re a
little nervous. As a result, I was laughing out loud at things that today I
would barely give a slight smile to. Carol was laughing as well (good sign) but
it seemed she was holding back a little. I didn’t really notice it at the time,
but looking back I can both see it and, most importantly, understand why.
I don’t know the exact part in the movie that it happened and
I’m not sure Carol could tell you either, but there is a certain part in that
movie that may very well be responsible for the extremely sophomoric sense of
humor that has come to define our relationship. As I said, while I was feeling
free to laugh loudly at certain parts of the movie Carol seemed to be holding
back her laughter. At one point however, something funny happened and whether
she wanted to or not she finally just let it rip.
Oh yes, she laughed, but she let something else rip too.
Had we been sitting on a normal couch it probably would have
gone unnoticed. I know this for a fact as I have dropped many a bomb in my
lifetime into the very forgiving cushions of many very unfortunate couches. Leather couches,
however, tend to be much less forgiving and almost act as a type of amplifier.
That being said, when Carol laughed I heard something that was unmistakable
and, to be honest, quite awesome.
I’ll never forget the look on her face as she stared at me
waiting for my reaction. In retrospect, I really should have messed with her. I
should have acted disgusted and stormed out of the room. I should have acted
offended and questioned her on the spot why she would think that would be
appropriate. I should have closed my eyes, inhaled deeply, and said “oh yeah,
that’s the stuff.”
But I didn’t
Being a gentleman trying to earn points with his new lady friend,
what I really should have done was just ignore it and pretend like it never
happened so that she would be less embarrassed about it, but we all know that
wasn’t going to happen. So what did I do?
I laughed
I didn’t laugh at her, but I laughed with her. We both
realized the awkwardness of the situation but, and this is one of the gazillion
reasons I love her, awkward is what we are. After a while the redness drained
from her face and we laughed even more. To
be honest, I’m not really sure what other reaction she could have expected out
of me as, all things being equal, there are very few things funnier than an ill-timed fart.
My point is this: In life, farts are going to happen. Should
I have been the first one in our relationship to break wind in front of the
other one? Probably. Was I the first one in our relationship to break wind in
front of the other one? More than likely, but I had the benefit of not sitting
on a leather couch when it happened. And
despite the rumble from down under on that fateful night we still ended up
getting married and having a wonderful life together. And, with all sincerity,
I’m pretty sure that the events of that evening were what made me fall in love
with her.
Well, that plus the fact that we totally did it after the
movie.
Just kidding. I would never do it with a farter. That’s just
gross.
Love you, Carol
Thanks for reading
