I’ve spent some time over the last few weeks reading some of
my previous blog entries. There were some stinkers, there were some (many) with
typos, and there were some that were obviously written just so I could say I
wrote something that day. And, as much as I’d like to say that even the bad ones
are worth a quick glance for just a few laughs, most of them were just
god-awful and should never have been written in the first place. For that, I apologize.
On the other hand, there are a few that are my personal
favorites that I believe to be undiscovered gold. Sure, Ben’s green eggs and
ham was popular, but what about the one discussing my soccer abilities? And, while
some of my more serious ramblings about our Veterans and our duty to our
country have been well received, I noticed a severe lack of readership for my
fictional tales of the Tro-lo-lo guy and Rick the cougar chaser.
The reason I bring this up is that on my blog site I have a
section entitled Scott’s Greatest Misses. It lists, in order of popularity, my
most accessed blog entries. It doesn’t mean people have read them, but it means
they have at least opened the link, read a few sentences of this drivel, and
closed the page soon after. Hopefully most (more than likely some, or even more
likely than that, very few) have stuck around long enough to read an entire
blog entry, but I’m going to guess not because sitting at the top of the list
for almost the entire life of my website has been the same freaking entry:
For longtime readers of this blog, you may be able to
remember back to its earlier days when Joel McStinkbutt was a frequent topic of
my disdain/homoerotic fantasies. It wasn’t until this recent perusal of my
blogs that I discovered how many references I made to this jerk face/stud
muffin. You could say I was borderline obsessed. Luckily, up to this point, I
had moved beyond this and no longer felt such intense dislike for a man I have
never met (those feelings are now saved for Chris Brown and Justin Bieber – but
for totally different reasons). But that does not change the fact that my entry
entitled “Damn You Joel McHale” is the most accessed/read blog on my site.
Yes, I know it is because I tagged Joel McHale and that
anytime someone does an online search for him my article will be referenced.
But shouldn’t they have to scan through about 23,187,554 other online subjects
pertaining to “Joel McHale” before coming to my piece of crap article about
him? Wouldn’t you think that something entitled “Damn You Joel McHale” written
by some bald-headed nobody on a more than obvious blogging site be skipped over
for anyone looking for the slightest bit of credible information on a
mainstream star? Hell, in a quick Google search for Joel McHale, in the first
20 pages of results there were at least three references to Jerk McHussein
discussing Seth Meyers’ boner and not one link to my article. Seriously, how is
anyone accessing this?
But then it hit me.
It’s McHale
You see, I called Joel out on more than one occasion. I told
him to keep his hands off the beautiful Allison Brie, but did he? Noooooooo. I
told him to keep his damn shirt on, but did he? Of course not. I told him there
would be serious repercussions for his actions should he continue on his path
of sexy destruction and he defiantly did not heed my warning.
But it scared him. It scared him bad.
It scared him so bad that he forced his show Community to
take a brief hiatus at the beginning of last year’s season in fear of what I
might do. It scared him so bad, in fact, that he started a rumor that the show
might be cancelled in order to throw me off my tracks. In his defense it may
have worked as, in its absence, I found other much more entertaining (you hear
that McPoopforbrains? MORE ENTERTAINING!!!) shows to watch. Even after
Community returned mid-season, I still neglected to watch it because, quite
frankly, I had lost interest in both the show AND my feud with Just
McHorrendous.
Well played, sir.
But after doing some (not-so) serious, very (not at all)
thorough, and (absolutely none of my) time consuming research I discovered that
while my “Damn You Joel McHale” article was the most accessed blog entry on my
site, it was only being accessed by one man. This one man accesses it multiple
times per week. This one man accesses it multiple times per week from a
computer in Los Angeles, CA. And this one man who accesses it multiple times
per week from a computer in Los Angeles, CA is the one and only – Steven
Rothschild.
DUHN-DUHN-DUHN. (That’s the climatic music that plays when
the villain is discovered. I really need to get a soundboard for this website
to make it more dramatic).
Who is Steven Rothschild you ask? I honestly have no idea.
But, if my spidey-senses are in tune I’m going to bet that it’s an alias. It’s
an alias for someone who has an interest in me and my writings. It’s someone
who has a vested interest in what I’m going to write about next. It’s someone
who is fearful that if he steps out of line one more time that I’m going to
follow through on my threats of composing strongly worded letters to the
networks. But mostly, it’s someone that craves the attention. That someone is –
Joel McHale.
DUHN-DUHN-DUHN (seems more dramatic now that you know what it
means, no?)
I’m on to you McHale. More on to you than I ever have been
on to you before. I’m so on to you that my on to youness is only surpassed by
how on to yourself that you are. (??) You read that article because you’re
vain. You read that article because you like the attention that I give you. You
want it to be the most read blog on my site because it makes you feel good. But
most of all, you read that article because you don’t want it to be over. You
want my hatred/homoeroticism. You NEED my hatred/homoeroticism. Well, guess
what McHardabs:
You’ve got it.
I will not have you besmirch the other great writings I have
written about in my writings. I will not have some over the top diatribe about
my half-truth/half-playful feelings for you sit atop my most read blogs
anymore. While I can’t make other people read my other blogs so that it
overtakes yours for the number one spot, I can call you out – once again – and make
it be known that your secret is no more. I know you read the article. I know you
read it every chance you get. And I know that by making reference to it
multiple times in this blog (and offering links for my readers’ convenience) I
am only drawing more attention to it and to you. That’s fine. You can win this
battle.
I’m in it to win the war.
McHale, we live in a world that has blogs. And those blogs
have to be written by men with wit. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Joke McHasbeen?
I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Chevy
Chase and you curse the bloggers. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of
not knowing what I know: that this blog, while tragic, probably makes people
laugh. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, makes people
laugh...You don't want this to end. Because deep down, in places you don't talk
about at parties, you want me writing this blog. You need writing this blog.
I use words like blog, awesomesauce, randumb thoughts...I
use these words as the backbone to a lunchtime spent writing something. You use
'em as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain
myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very entertainment
I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it! I'd rather you just
said thank you and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a pen and
write you own blog. Either way, I don't give a damn if you want the blog about
you to be number one!
It is my hope that calling attention to this will shame you
into not reading it anymore – but we both know that is not going to happen. If
not Steven Rothschild you’ll just find another alias to access it under. Maybe
you’ll even find a different server in a different state or even country to
access it under in order to go unrecognized. That’s fine. Do it. Just know that
I know that as long as that blog is sitting as the number one most read entry
on my site – you’re reading it. And as long as I know that you know that I know
that, that’s good enough for me.
I’m on to you, McHale – like never before.
And it feels good.
No comments:
Post a Comment