I haven’t had a cigarette 3 days. Prior to that it had been 8 days. Prior to that it was four days and prior to that it was six. Eventually the goal is to quit altogether, but I have to take baby steps. I can say that I feel a lot better, and if it weren’t for the two separate illnesses I’ve had in the past two weeks (brought on, I’m sure, by the lack of tar protecting my lungs from disease), I’d probably be feeling great. Of course everyone around me hates me because I’ve been a crabby jackass, but it’s getting better and I will eventually cease being crabby and just return to being a regular jackass.
I’ve realized that my lifelong dream of becoming a professional sumo wrestler is pretty much done. I think I’ve just hit that age where I’m too old to make an appropriate impact in the sport anymore. The crappy part is that I am now stuck with the weight that I was attempting to put on to make my weight class. That is now my official excuse for being a little pudgy around the middle.
I’m still waiting on my apology from Air Supply. I have banned them from my iPod as well. The people at the Department of Immigration are being less than helpful, but I finally got hold of some creepy guy who may adhere to my wishes if I can get Carol to sleep with him. I’m not quite sure he even works there as I may have misdialed the number, but I’ve very dedicated to my cause and, as a result, am seriously considering this.
Can we all agree that Justin F*cking Beiber is the antichrist and about as talented as the piece of lint that I just pulled out of my pocket? Why is it that such talented people like the Big Bopper, Richie Valenz, and Buddy Holly are taken from us at such a young age, yet Justin F*cking Beiber flies the friendly skies with no problem whatsoever? Not that I’m wishing a horrific plane crash for the kid, but I also wouldn’t shed any tears… I’m just saying.
Brett Favre texted a picture of his penis to some girl who used to work for the Jets and people are shocked. The only thing that I’m shocked about was that the picture wasn’t intercepted on the way to its intended receiver. (see what I did there? Comedy Gold, people – and you’re getting it all for free)
If Aliens were to make contact with the planet earth and I was chosen to be our representative, I think my first words to them would be “the redheads taste the best.” You know, just in case.
Is it plagiarizing if I put the same thing in my blog as I used as a Facebook status update last week? If so, consider me a plagiarized plagiarizer.
I just received my Halloween costume from Amazon.com. After all of the special deals and offers, I’m going to end up paying $20 for a $55 costume. Not bad. This way I’ll only look like a moron instead of feeling like one for spending too much.
To answer any questions about that, I’ll give you a hint: In his latest movie, he has a button that enables him to speak Spanish…
I’m not sure if it’s from a lack of new LiLo pictures due to her stint in rehab, but I think I’m slowly getting over her. I’m sure that once she reemerges from her legally imposed rehabilitation into the public eye that I will be smitten once more, but for now I’m very busy focusing on both Allison Brie from “Community” and “Mad Men,” and Lauren Graham from “Parenthood” who could be one of the sexiest women ever. Maybe it was just the cat suit from last week’s Halloween episode, but either way, Scotty likey!!
On the drive into work this morning I saw a woman on our street struggling to set her trash can back up after it had been knocked over by the storm last night. I pulled the car over, hopped out, and helped her lift the can back to its intended upright position. It wasn’t very heavy and I wondered why she wasn’t able to do it herself until she said “Thank you, sir. I appreciate it. I could’ve done it myself but I’m scared to death of maggots and there are a ton of them.” At that point, I looked down at the bags remaining on the ground and yep, she was right – there were a ton of maggots. (Maggots, Michael. You’re eating maggots.) What do I do at this point? I’m already helping. Do I stop the help when she needs me most just because there are disgusting maggots crawling all over the untied garbage bags lying at our feet and I don’t want to get my work clothes dirty? Or, do I man up, grab the bags where I am able to, and heave them into the garbage can as quickly as possible while scraping up any remaining trash with a mop that she had thrown away so that there wouldn’t be a mess on my street?
Sure hope she didn’t get any maggots on her hands…
The other day as Ben was in the bathroom making a twosie, he said two things of note: 1) “Daddy, my poopies look like the number 5.” Upon inspection, it did. And 2) “Daddy, when it touch my wiener it gets really big. And it feels really good. Come see.” There was no inspection necessary.
I’ve become addicted to Stumbleupon.com. It’s a website that literally surfs the internet for you. You are first prompted to check a bunch of boxes regarding your interests, and then you are able to hit the “stumble” button which will take you to various sites which you are supposed to pertain to your “likes.” Sure, there are some stinkers, but there are a lot of good sites that it takes you to also. This is NOT what I needed available to me at work as it’s possible to stumble all day long and never get bored. I’m surprised I’m even taking time out from my busy day of stumbling to blog anymore.
And, yes, I helped the lady with the maggots. Give me some freaking credit…
I love political ads. There’s nothing that makes me want to NOT vote even more than a bunch of people pointing out each other’s shortcomings in an effort to make themselves look better. Besides, when the time comes am I really going to care who the County coroner is? For all I care, they can be the biggest moron in the history of the world as long as they get the whole dead vs. not-dead call right 100% of the time.
Speaking of dead vs. not-dead, Keith Richards has an autobiography coming out, so I guess that question is (maybe) answered…
I know that as (arguably) a literary giant I should want to see more artsy-fartsy type films, but truth be told, I can’t wait to see Jackass 3-D.
Apparently, George Lucas will be diving into the pockets of Star Wars fans worldwide – again – as he recently announced that he would be re-releasing the entire original Star Wars trilogy in 3-D. Seriously, how can this man live with himself? Doesn’t he have enough money? How many times can you release the same freaking movies with an additional 3 minutes of footage or brand new enhanced special effects? Does he think we’re made of money? Doesn’t he know we’re in a recession? Does anybody know the release dates and if I can preorder tickets online?
Score one for the dark side.
Speaking of Star Wars, Ben is infatuated with Yoda and Darth Vader. He wants to watch the movies with me so that he can see them both of them, but doesn’t have the patience to sit through the droids and other types of wookies/ewoks/hutts/bounty hunters to get to them. Also, he is convinced that Darth Vader is nice just because Daddy thinks he’s cool. I don’t have the heart to tell him that Darth Vader is evil and responsible for the decimation of an entire race of Jedi Knights including a group of young Padawan children all at the behest of the evil Sith Lord, Emperor Palpatine. I also don’t have the heart to tell him that his father is an insanely huge dork.
I was thinking about taking up deer hunting as it sounds really fun sitting in the woods with a bunch of dudes drinking beer around a campfire for an entire weekend. But then I realized that I would have to get up really early, more than likely while hungover, sit in the cold all morning without making a sound, and then gutting the 18 point buck (which, given my awesomeness I would definitely get) prior to dragging it’s nasty carcass for a mile or so back to camp with me. This thought process lasted about 20 seconds on the way into work. My decision is no.
While doing research (yes, sometimes I check my facts) for my comment above regarding the Padawan, I had to check Google for the correct spelling. In doing so, I came across a website entitled Wookiepedia. This may be more dangerous than Stumbleupon.com.
Speaking of facts, you are now reading the #1 blog in the history of the World Wide Web (that was written while eating a bowl of Chef Boy-Ar-Dee ravioli in cube C8 on the 29th floor of the Bank of America building on the 800 block of Market St in St. Louis, MO.) If you choose, you can ignore everything in parentheses to make that statement sound a lot cooler than it actually is.
One of the downsides to having a small kitchen-type area in your office in which to heat up your microwavable lunch is that you often get stuck talking to a random 60 year old hag with nasty long blonde hair who doesn’t like you at all because you once questioned her on how to do her job and now she talks down to you to remind you that she is in management and you are not. One of the upsides to having a small kitchen-type area in your office is that when this random hag turns her back, you can quickly grab some miscellaneous crumbs off of the countertop and throw them into her bowl of soup.
It’s okay though because my good deed with the maggot lady cancels out my miscellaneous crumbs-into-the-hags-soup throwing.
We’ll call this day even.
Thanks for reading.
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