Romance

In my never-ending quest to educate the world on the finer points of being awesome, I realized that there is one subject that has not been approached - romance. While I know that on the exterior I portray the image of a rough and tumble manly-man, deep in my heart I am a hopeless romantic ever-yearning to shout my love for my wife from the mountaintops so that all can hear and know. It is my fear, however, that I am a dying breed and that within a few generations, or possibly even with the current one, all acts of romanticism and valor will be replace by texts and tweets. Therefore, for the sake of my son, his generation, and all who are interested I have compiled a list of ways for men to be romantic to the woman in their life.



Always open the door for her. Car door, restaurant door, door to the strip club – it doesn’t matter. Every door must be opened.



Tell her everyday how beautiful she looks even if you’re lying



Hold her hand



See that girl with the huge boobs? Don’t look at them until your lady is sufficiently distracted.



Always look your best. Keeping your hair combed nicely, shaving regularly, and having a nice clean outfit on shows that you care. You can show you care even more by buying her an iron to iron that outfit for you, leaving you that much more presentable for her pleasure.



Buy her a puppy



Don’t break wind in front of her. If you do break wind in front of her, blame it on the puppy. Puppies can’t deny it and your woman will always believe you. Always.



If you have to break wind in the car, roll down her window for her. Rolling down yours could mess up your hair which would take away from you looking your best.



Women say that they like flowers, but flowers die quickly and cost too much for their short lifespan. Instead, buy her something that will last forever such as a video game or a komodo dragon. Make sure that the video game is something that you’ll enjoy as well so that she can experience joy seeing how happy you are playing it while she’s making dinner or ironing your outfit mentioned earlier.



Speaking of, let her make dinner. Every night. A woman gets a sense of satisfaction knowing that she has made a delicious meal for her man and that she has filled his belly. To show your gratification, give her a nice romantic burp followed by a gentle tap on her rump. She’ll appreciate your thoughtfulness.



Surprise her with dinner once in a while. I know that my previous entry said to let her make dinner every night because she loves doing it,  but she’ll get a kick out of your feeble attempt to “cook” something as simple as hamburger helper and a side of green beans. Ruining this any-moron-can-make-this dinner will further fulfill her need to feel needed. Knowing that you would starve without her and/or White Castle makes her want to cook for you that much more.



Smack her ass, hard and often. This little show of affection will let her know that you think she’s still got it no matter how much it jiggles.



Text her nude pictures of yourself. I know that in my opening paragraph I denounced the use of texts and tweets for romantic purposes, but Walgreens and CVS will not develop naked pictures and, quite frankly, even if they did by the time you got them developed and picked them up you may have lost the mood you wanted to relay to her in the first place. A nice picture of the reflection of your naked body in the bathroom mirror while you hold the camera phone lets your lady know that “Hey, I was naked in the bathroom and I was thinking about you.” Little acts like this go a long way. On a side note, make sure that if the toilet is in the picture, any matter that may reside in it has been flushed away.



Give her a massage. A real massage. Boobs and everything.



Sing her a song. It doesn’t have to be a great song nor do you have to sing it well. A song I commonly sing to my lady is Sexy MF by Prince. Ladies love Prince.



Make her breakfast in bed. Nothing says “Good morning” like a strawberry frosted pop-tart. Plus, while she’s eating, it will give you time to think about what you would like in the omelet that she’ll make for you once finishes the breakfast you made for her.



Clean the house while she’s out. If your lady hasn’t had time to finish all of her housework prior to going grocery shopping, she’ll appreciate it if you clean up a little. I make sure that while my lady is out I put all of the empty beer cans from me and my buddies by the back door so that she can take them out to the recycling bin on her way to clean up the dog poop in the backyard.



Point out hot girls to her. This will let her know that even though you find the other girl extremely hot and that you could totally bang them if you wanted to, you still choose to be with the her even though she may not be near as hot as those other girls.



Talk about your sex life to your friends. Women like to know that they’re good in bed and telling your friends all of the intimate details about last night’s 45 seconds of heaven will help that happen. Friends talk and eventually the friends that you told will end up telling your lady about how impressed you were that she actually let you do that thing to her that she really didn’t want to do but you talked her into doing it anyway by calling her dedication to the relationship into question. Hearing it from someone else makes them feel great.



Drink often. I find that even though I may feel romantic and want to tell my lady all of the things I feel are wonderful  about her, sometimes I get shy about expressing it. By drinking a lot in terms of both quantity and frequency I find that I am able to more openly express my admiration for her finer qualities such as her eyes, smile, sense of humor, and amazing rack.



Seriously though, the thing that is most important is that you tell them every day how much you love them. Whether it be in the morning when you wake up, at night before you fall asleep, or in some stupid blog that chronicles most of the things you actually do to your poor wife on a daily basis and now feel horrible about it because you realize that you’re really kind of an ass, tell her you love her every day.



And mean it.



Thanks for reading.

Randumb Thoughts 2.3.12

I want to write today but can’t think of any stories, so I’ll just give some Randumb thoughts.

I find it funny that despite her “celebrity” status, I’d probably be more ashamed of banging Snooki than she would be of banging a nobody like me.

You can follow me on Twitter if you’d like @scottyhop76 but I really only tweet at porn stars and professional wrestlers even though they never respond. In all reality, it’s pretty sad. In fact, don’t even bother. Forget I ever mentioned it.

The previous statement is funny because it’s 100% true.

I have been informed that I drink girl coffee. Personally, I see nothing unmanly about drinking a cup of coffee with two French vanilla creamers. It tastes great while I’m getting my mani/pedi.

I really wish my boss would close her door while she’s on her speaker phone so that I can concentrate on writing my blog while at work.

Regarding the Snooki comment; I’d still do it, but I’d be ashamed.

Grease 2 came out 30 years ago this year and I still can’t go bowling without singing this song:

We're Gonna Score Tonight

By the way, doesn’t Zmed sound like a dirty word?

And, yes, that is a young Shooter McGavin.

My son gets X’s at school when he is bad. On a normal day, he usually gets one X. The other day he got five X’s. Five. I’d like to pretend that I’m not impressed by that, but you’ve really got to try hard to get 5 X’s. I wish I possessed that type of dedication.

That gets me thinking about how many X’s I’d accumulate in a day of my normal life. Pretty sure I’d have at least two before even finishing my first cup of girl coffee.

My director, a black woman, just came to my desk and heard that I was listening to Sam Cooke. I felt strangely obligated to explain myself, as if I was not allowed to enjoy “black” music, by mentioning how soulful he was. Yes, I said “soulful.” Pretty sure she is now on the phone in her office laughing with all of her black friends about the dorky white guy who was listening to the “soulful” Sam Cooke. If I was any whiter I’d be clear.

Now, I feel strangely obligated to defend myself for the above statement by making another statement that proves I’m not a racist. I blame this unnecessary guilt on attending an almost all-white private school.

I’m not a racist. I’m really not. I have many black friends.

I don’t think I’m helping myself.

Maybe I’ll deflect by making fun of “the gays”

Nope

Anyways, I just read a story about a Belleville Diocesan priest who is being relieved of his duties because he ad-libs part of the mass. Really? A priest can do unspeakable things to a child and the church will pay out millions in damages to the victims ALL WHILE ONLY MAKING THE PRIEST TAKE A TEMPORARY LEAVE OF ABSENCE, but a guy goes off script a bit and they ask for his resignation? With priorities like those, I am now feeling that much better about my chances of getting into heaven.

Let’s see: race, religion…

Ah! Politics! In this space I would like to make fun of politicians, most notably the ones that have opinions that differ from mine. Fortunately, I have the common sense to not get into a political debate on issues when I am ill-equipped with both proper information and/or concern. I don’t care about politics and, as a result, I will refrain from commenting directly on them. Don’t you wish your politicians acted the same way on issues?

I got a Kindle Fire for Christmas which allows me to download books, music, and apps, browse the web, subscribe to newspapers and other informational publication and basically have the entire world wide web at my fingertips in any Wi-Fi enabled environment. I have the power to be the most well-informed person in the world. My most used application? The Fart Sounds app.

My director just came back to my desk asking if I was a fan of Barry Manilow. I’m pretty sure she’s just mocking me now.


Thanks for reading.