This Is About A Tree

Way back in what seems like years but was simply the beginning stages of the pandemic not more than 8 months ago, I took a drive with the boy. At the time, quarantine had just started and the world had no idea what was going on. Eight months later and we’re not much better off. But this isn’t about quarantine or COVID or masks or anything. This is about a tree.

We had been quarantining for a few weeks at this point and, quite frankly, were going stir crazy. At the time we lived in a 1000 sq foot house with an unfinished basement which was my port in the storm. Carol had the upstairs, Ben had his room, and I had the cold unfinished basement with a dilapidated futon, my PS4, and a remote control to adjust the volume on the TV depending on the cycles of the water heater, furnace, and washer and dryer which were also in close proximity. The experience wasn’t as awful as it sounds but when Ben started to get the Jack Torrance look in his eyes, I jumped at the opportunity to get him out of the house and go for a drive. But this isn’t about my basement. This is about a tree.

Rather than drive along the normal routes I decided that in order to get the full effect of our get-out-of-the-house drive (and give Carol some much needed space) we should get lost. I had my phone handy in case we got too lost, but I decided that I would just drive to a certain point and have Ben pick the direction we would or wouldn’t turn. At every intersection I would ask “right, left, or straight” and he would pick accordingly. At the onset we were simply turning onto roads and highways that we recognized but after a while, the street names became unfamiliar. Well-marked road signs soon became faded and set deeper back from the road. We were approaching the agricultural section of our area and the roads greeted us at far less regularity than before.  Gone were Main St and Penny Lane only to be replaced by Route numbers and roads with no name at all. But while this is kind of about roads, it’s more about a tree.

A quick glance at my watch told me it was a little after four o clock. The sky was overcast that day with a spot of rain here and there. Our drive was mostly dry, but the sun never came out from behind the dark wall of clouds. It was the grey of January overstaying its welcome into the days of late March and even without the sense that the world was percolating with disease I would have been despondent regardless as my mood generally reflects the sky outside. But this isn’t about the time, the weather, or my moods. This is about a tree.

As we continued our journey, we ended up on a country road with a farmhouse tucked back from the pavement every mile or so. In the empty spaces was nothing but fields. It was still early enough in the season where nothing was tilled or planted. The weather had been too cold to get an early start for the farmers so except for the houses and accompanying barns there was nothing to look at but empty fields and the grey sky. Those that live in the Midwest know this view well. It’s engrained in the very fibers of our being. The smell of a still lingering winter coupled with a sunless sky and nothingness before my eyes is something I will never not be able to close my eyes and experience as if it were happening in real time. It’s cold and lonely, but I can recreate that in my mind as much as I can recreate a 102 degree with 98% humidity day. It’s what we know. But this is about a tree.

While staring out at this unfamiliar yet all-too-familiar road in front me and talking to Ben about whatever game he was playing (Kingdom Hearts)  or show he was binge watching at the time (The Simpsons – all 30 seasons) I was really enjoying my time. I don’t take the time as often as I should to talk to Ben. Sure, I talk to him, but it’s usually followed by orders or questions. “How was your day? Did you practice your piano? Oh, you won the spelling bee? Great job. Did you remember to empty the dishwasher? That’s great that you finally beat that game. Go get ready for bed.” I don’t try to be dismissive but due to my own communication shortcomings I find that I often am. He deserves better. Carol deserves better. Most people I talk to deserve better, but I am just a horrible conversationalist and I’m not sure what to do about that at this point in my life. So, when Ben and I take these drives I try to make sure that I really listen to him, ask follow up questions, and try not to lecture. Something I need to learn is that not everything in his life needs to be a lesson. Sometimes things are just funny. Sometimes things just happen without fault. Sometimes you’re just 12 (now 13) and shit happens. He’s a kid and a really damn good one at that. But enough about that. This is about a tree.

By this point we were good and lost.  I had an inkling of an idea of where we were, but my natural navigation skills are limited so me thinking we were some place really means nothing. Ben and I laughed about how lost we were. There was nothing around us but those farmhouses dotting every mile or so of the road and fields filling the empty spaces in between. We continued our talk which ranged from video games, to gaming consoles, to his classmates, to his friends, to me bugging him about girls, to our family, to music (he loves music as much as I do) and what he believed in. To him it was just chatter. To me, I was getting to know my little boy who was not so little anymore. Yes, there were some life lessons sprinkled into my conversation but that’s my duty as a father. I’m reminded of something my father told me while we were tilling up my entire backyard years ago. I’m paraphrasing but the lesson I got was: You need to be the dad in the early years so that you can be friends in the later years. It’s a lesson I find harder and harder to adhere to as Ben gets older but maybe now is the time when I start loosening those reigns. Who knows? These kids don’t come with manuals (not that I’d read it anyway).

We talked about the dogs and how happy he was that we adopted the chihuahua (I wasn’t so sure at that point). We talked about where he wanted to go to high school. I told him some stories about my youth that I threatened him not to repeat to his mother. He laughed. We thought about stopping for ice cream, but everything was closed which is a shame because we LOVE ice cream. Okay, I love ice cream and I’ve trained the boy accordingly. We made another turn and then another getting either further or closer to home. We didn’t know and didn’t care.

It was getting close to dinnertime by now, so I decided I needed to try and find our way back home. The road we were on was straight as an arrow and I knew that if we followed it we’d more than likely end up at the intersection of one of two roads so I continued straight pretending that I was clueless as to our whereabouts. Ben farted. We laughed. We talked about his upcoming birthday and how it would be different. We talked about fast food and which was the best. I think he farted again. I’m sure I laughed again.  Eventually, we did in fact come out at the road I expected us to come out on (though much further south than I anticipated) and we made our way home. I pulled into the driveway, parked the truck, walked into the house with my son, thanked him for the drive and told him I loved him, and went back down to the basement as he retreated to his room. It was a great drive with a great kid. Carol sure is doing a great job with him. 

Oh yeah, this was about a tree. I bet you're curious about that. I mean, the title is literally "This Is About A Tree." Well, along the way I saw a tree in the middle of the field. It was majestic. I’d like to tell you what it looks like or how I often think about it but I’m keeping that for me. For me and Ben. Certain things in life you need to hold on to and cherish just for yourself. After writing this I’m not sure this was ever really about the tree anyway.

 
Thanks for reading and Happy Holidays

Laying It Out There

I don’t do politics. I just don’t. And for one time and one time only, I will explain why.

Me not talking about politics does not mean I don’t have strong feelings one way or the other about some topics, it just means that I don’t want to talk about them with you. You see, my thoughts are my thoughts. My feelings are my feelings. They could be right, and they could be wrong. They could be based on facts or they could be based on “facts” that I’ve been presented with and chosen to believe because they fit my narrative. They could agree with yours or they could be in direct contrast to yours. They could make me friends or create new enemies. They could distance me from those that I love or bring me closer to others. I think my views are in the best interest of society and I think some of yours are the antithesis of those. You probably think the same. And, whether I like it or not, I accept that.

I also accept the feeling that some have that if we (collectively) don’t talk about these things plaguing our nation then nothing will change. I do agree with that sentiment - to a point. We SHOULD talk about the big issues facing this country, but we should be well informed prior to doing so. Debates should not be based on feelings as no one will ever win those heartfelt battles. Debates should be based on facts and, to be honest, I’m not sure any of us is getting actual facts these days. What we get are pointed fingers, skewed statistics, excuses, blame, and in some cases flat out lies.

I can almost guarantee you that at my most informed I don’t know 70% of the truth. I know what our politicians tell me. I know how the media will splice and dice those words for that perfect sound bite to either lift up or shoot down the speaker whose lips the bite came from. And, regardless of where you get your “news” from, those bites can raise a person to the highest office in the land or potentially destroy their career forever. It’s a slippery slope and no side is better than the other when it comes to the constant fearmongering, hate-spewing, character-assassinating bullshit that spills from their ratings-hungry mouths on a daily basis. And if you think your choice of information is factual while the other sides’ information are all lies then I’ve got some news for you. Yet, we all watch our cable “news”, read our newspapers, listen to our podcasts, and visit our favorite websites because we feel the need to stay informed. Honestly, we do it to ourselves.

Which is exactly what they want.

We, as a people, agree on more than we do not. We generally like each other yet we allow those feeding us information to divide us. They tell us that if someone believes the opposite of you that they’re not a true American. That they’re not patriotic. That they’re a horrible person and that if you agree with anything they say you’re just as bad as they are. I’m here to tell you that that’s bullshit. Utter. Fucking. Bullshit.

We’re better people, as a whole, than to fall into that trap yet here we are again in another never-ending election cycle telling the other half of the country that they’re wrong for believing in what they believe. We’re telling the other half that they’re wrong for feeling what they feel. We allow ourselves to demonize other people who are simply trying to make it through another day by attacking and degrading the manner in which they do it. We play the game by their rules rather than just accepting that people, no matter their race, sexual preference, gender identity, religion, etc. really present no direct attack on anything going on in our everyday lives. We allow ourselves to be told that the government is coming for our guns or we’re turning into a dictatorship. We allow ourselves to be told that giving people their rights as human beings will somehow lessen our rights. We allow ourselves to be told that because someone made a mistake in judgment years ago that all the good they’ve done in the interim is null and void. Yes, there are exceptions to these things but those are MY personal exceptions as to what I find acceptable or not. Yours are probably different. And that’s okay. That’s the way it’s supposed to be.

I guess what I’m getting at is this: I don’t do politics because I think we’re all being led by shameless shepherds who will say and/or do anything to get us to like them. Whether that’s giving them votes or giving them ratings, we’re following them like the sheep they want us to be. And the more we allow ourselves to be ignited with every incendiary opinion they have the more they will add fuel to that fire to keep our personal biases warm. I can’t allow myself to believe what they say and I don’t feel comfortable using anything they feed me as a fact. As a result, I feel I go into battle unarmed as my lack of confidence in the “truths” I’m told will never be able to match up with the conviction of one who chooses to believe the “truths” that they’re told.  That doesn’t mean I think I’m smarter than anyone as I’m not. It also doesn’t mean anyone is smarter than me. It just means that I’m not playing the game. I’m not going to debate and/or argue with family and friends about things out of our control. Instead, I will choose kindness. I will choose love.  I will choose to lift you up rather than put you down. I will choose to support differences rather than be threatened by them. I will choose to be a fellow human being. I will choose to be the best husband, father, son, brother, nephew, cousin, uncle, in-law, friend, customer, and co-worker that I can be.

Cause it is a choice, friends. 

It’s all a choice.

I’m betting that if each one of us just turned off the “news” every night and chose kindness this world would change a whole lot quicker than with all the hate we’ve been enduring for what seems like forever. We have that power.

THAT is a fact I believe in.

Thanks for reading

Still The Same but Totally Not

So, it's been a while since I blogged regularly. It's been so long that I'm not even sure that people blog anymore. Do they? Or is everything done via video now? Between all of the different social media sites for pictures and videos I'm not sure anyone reads anymore. I AM sure that not many are going to read this, and that's okay. I'm honestly good with it. I wrote regularly back in the day because I like to make people smile and I like attention but I'm writing now because I missed it. I missed this outlet of writing to write and not worrying about research and facts and editing and all that jazz. It was for fun and I enjoyed it immensely. Let's hope that continues.

While we're here, let's take advantage of this time to list many (but definitely not all) of the major events that have happened in my life so that we're all up to date. Most of these will be out of order as my concept of time is definitely slipping in my old age but the main goal is trying to capture as much as possible without oversharing which I do a lot. Oh well. Here's what has happened:

I quit smoking (7 years now)

The Cubs won the World Series

The Blues won the Stanley Cup

I am officially over Lindsay Lohan

I am still at war with Joel McHale

I traded in the Buick Lesabre for a Scion

Carol traded in the Kia for an Escape

We traded in the boy for case of beer and some Milk Duds

I sold all of my records so that I could buy a PS3

I bought a PS3

I bought my records back

We (Carol, boy, and I) went to Universal Studios

Carol began playing Roller Derby

Carol broke her wrist

Boy won a coloring contest for the entire state and was invited to Springfield, IL for an awards ceremony where he received a free Kindle (and a certificate of achievement).

I traded in the Scion for a Chevy

We, sadly, lost our sweet Tiny Fancypants to doggie cancer. We miss her every day

We, gladly, lost our dumbass cat Mr Belvedere back to the Humane Society because he was more of an asshole than even the most asshole of cats are.

We got new flooring in the house (not at all related to the asshole cat mentioned above)

The Cubs won the World Series

I donated a kidney

Our neighbor ran over our recycling bin

Carol broke her leg and had surgery to correct it

Boy began taking lessons for both piano and saxophone and is really good at both

I went to the Indy 500 with cousins and dads

The Blues won the Stanley Cup

Carol and I started with a personal trainer who kicks our ass 2x a week

Carol and I started badmouthing personal trainers

I turned 40 (amongst other birthdays - just thought this was an important one to mention)

We quarantined

We socially distanced

Carol went to China for work

We did NOT win the lottery

Carol broke her collarbone and had surgery to correct it

We adopted a new puppy named Professor Ringo Valentino Hopfinger

We quickly realized that, based on mental acuity, maybe "professor" is a rather lofty and undeserved title

We adopted a 9 year old fart of a chihuahua named Chico.

The people we traded boy for brought him back because they can't afford to feed him because he's now 13 and eats ALL. OF. THE. TIME.

I went through a month long fascination with scotch (particularly Lagavulin) that lasted up until the point I actually tasted scotch

I binge watched the following series: Parks and Rec, The Office, The Good Place, The West Wing, Vikings, Breaking Bad, Barry, Archer, and countless others that I can't even remember right now

I went through a comic book phase

I took up golf again

I became a cowboy

I threw out the first pitch at a (blech) St Louis Cardinal game (look at that form)

I joined Pinterest

I deleted Pinterest

The Cubs won the World Series

The Blues won the Stanley Cup

Carol made the Internationally ranked All-Star team of her Roller Derby league

I didn't write blogs

I listened to almost every album on the Rolling Stone top 500 albums of all time list (which was an AMAZING experience)

Carol and I began running the boy's schools' weekly Bingo

I did NOT learn about punctuation and proper placement of apostrophes. 

Finally pierced my other nipple

Carol and I took a trip with the cousins to Colorado

I got a PS4

I traded in my Chevy for a Cadilac-ac-ac-ac-ac-ac

I made up some stuff to make this list longer

I deleted some stuff to make this list less vulgar

Oh, and the Cubs won the World Series and the Blues won the Stanley Cup



I may delve more into many of these topics for future entries. I may not. I may just start drinking heavily again so that I do more stupid stuff worth writing about. I probably won't. We'll see how this goes. I can tell you that even this stupid post felt good to write.


Thanks for reading

Still There?

Wow.

A lot sure has changed since I last blogged regularly. A WHOLE lot. A WHOLE WHOLE lot. I mean, shit, it's been almost 10 years. Of course a lot has changed. But then again, a lot of things also remain the same. I'm motivated to give an update to almost everything I've previously written about but that would take forever (or, simply, more time than I'm willing to spend). But there are so many changes that I can' wait to address.

But first, let  me begin at where this started.

For the past few weeks I've been receiving notifications that my old blog had been getting views which prompted two questions from me 1) Who? and more importantly, 2) WHY?!!?? Additionally, Carol let it slip to some of her Roller Derby teammates (entire blog on Roller Derby later) a few nights ago that I had a blog which, given the very wide ranging spectrum of personality types, sexual preferences, and gender identities, gave me a bit of pause. She told me that after mentioning it and then posting a link, she decided to remove it because in my blog about the Century Club  I referred to something as being "gay". I did use it and I shouldn't have and I offer no excuse. I know better and should absolutely have not used it in that fashion. It 100% won't happen again. For that one, I am very sorry.

That being said, I wanted to re-read my blogs to see if I had any other instances of that or any other kind of stupidity from my 30+ year old self.  So, I re-read them ALL and what I found was that I relied on people knowing the actual me as opposed to the "me" in the blog. The real me is not racist, sexist, or any other negative "ist" that you can think of. I love most everyone and want people to be happy as long as that happy doesn't infringe on the rights of others. Yes, that's broad and vague but it's meant to be as I'm not a huge fan of absolutes. The "me" that was portrayed in the blog often took a sexist tone (all tongue-in-cheek) and sometimes went a little further than that to really drive home whatever joke I was making. Again, I relied on readers knowing the real me to understand that that me does not feel that way whatsoever making the words on the paper that much more shocking and humorous. I may have been wrong in doing that, but I don't apologize.

The me that wrote the blog does so to make people laugh, smile, and occasionally think. The "me" that shows up on the page is a character. Sure, it's a lot of the real me in those stories but mostly it is an over-the-top egomaniac (I'm just a normal ego-maniac) saying whatever he thinks will get the biggest laugh. Did I tell truthful stories? Mostly.  Did I go too far sometimes? Maybe. Did I ever cross a forbidden line and say something grossly offensive to a group of people that may have led to people thinking I was someone other than a dude behind a keyboard trying to have some fun? I hope not. I always wrote with the intention that my mother would read whatever I was writing and tried to stay within the realm of what she would deem acceptable. I'm sure I crossed her line a few times, but that's to be expected when your son writes a blog about her future daughter-in-law using a battery operated buzzing device in the bathroom during our first "sleepover" that turned out to be nothing but a toothbrush. 

Does that information get me off the hook for anything potentially offensive that I may have written? That's up to you. There are a few blogs I'd like to take back but I won't because I am what I am, warts and all. To cover anything up at this point would be disingenuous and that's just not my way. I leave it out there for you to enjoy and critique. If I'm an ass, tell me. If you laugh, tell me. If you cry, (only when I want you to and not because it's just a really shitty piece of writing) tell me. But, if I've gone too far and you think a joke is too gross, it's best if you don't tell me. I'll probably only use it as motivation to push your buttons even more. : )

What I'm saying is this: I want to write more. I plan on writing more right here on this blog. I don't know how often I'll write (hoping weekly), what I'll write about, or if it will be fact, fiction, humor, preachy stuff...I really have no clue. I don't have many talents in this world but being able to write at a slightly above mediocre standard is one of them. I'd like to make you laugh at my short-comings again. I'd like to play with your heartstrings with sappy stories again. I'd like to invite you all along for wherever this road my lead. But please know that I'm going to write some stupid things KNOWING that they are stupid things. I'm going to write some offensive things KNOWING that they are offensive things. All I ask is that you know that what you are reading is an amped up version of me that has become an idiotic character for your amusement. That character isn't exactly PC but that character usually learns a lesson at his own expense. Ideally, you'll know when it's the character and when it's just good ol' dumbass Scott. 

See how I've matured in the past 10 years?

My official first blog back will be about pleasuring myself with chocolate pudding.



By eating it, you sick jerks! 



I would NEVER tell you the other story...


Thanks for reading (It's nice to be back)

Scotty