I need a new hobby. I should probably take out the word “new” as I haven’t really had an old hobby that I’m sick of which would require a new one. Of course, if you count laying aound like a slug on the couch either watching TV, playing Playstation, or reading a book as a hobby then, yes, I had one and need a new one. But since I get very little reward from those other than the occasional “yay, I just hit 82 home runs in one season and nobody gives a flying crap about it but me” or “I just got through the last 10% of my book (since I got the Kindle I measure books in percentages and not pages) before going to bed tonight,” I have decided that I need something else to do.
The wife, I’m sure, could think of a lot of things I could do. I could help out more around the house, I could cook more, I could finish up projects that have needed to be finished for quite a long time, and I could even *gasp* throw in a load of laundry here or there, but I want something fun. I want something I can look forward to doing. I want something that, when completed, I can show to other people and say “look what I just did” and have them be impressed with the outcome. Even though that statement could apply to my wacky adventures in both cooking and laundry it’s not exactly what I had in mind. I want, no, I NEED a hobby that will give me both satisfaction and ample opportunity to shirk the household and husbandly/fatherly duties that I should be taking care of.
But I can’t think of a damn thing.
Actually, I have thought of quite a few, and they all have merit and could keep my interest for about a week, but in the end they fail to live up to what I want out of it – attention. In case you haven’t figured this out by now, I am an attention whore and will use any opportunity, good or bad, to get the attention, good or bad, I require to keep myself going. Why do you think I (occasionally) write this blog? Why do you think that, once I post it, I check back every few minutes for “likes” or comments? Hell, even a comment that says “you suck – never write again” is great because I’m getting attention. I would apologize for using you all like this but I’m really not sorry. For whatever reason, you choose to read this garbage through no fault of my own. I simply write it and post it. Don’t get me wrong though. If I can make you giggle, laugh, or, dare I say guffaw, then there is no better feeling I could have. God didn’t give me much in the looks or athleticism department, but what God did bless me with is the ability to make people laugh and I use it every chance I get – sometimes to a fault. But the bottom line this blog is all about me getting attention.
So, I’ve decided to create a list of a few hobbies that I’ve come up with and some pros and cons (mostly cons) of each in an effort to weed through them and decide which route I’m going to take. Please, feel free to comment on them or suggest your own (see – looking for attention again. I’m pathetic).
Running/Exercise
Every couple of years or so the wife and I look in the mirror and decide that we need to join a gym. We talk up what a good idea it would be, we talk about when and where we could go and how we’ll wake up early to hit the gym before we go to work, and we talk about all the stuff we’ll need to buy to get ourselves ready for the gym. We then join the gym, buy the new bags, water bottles, clothes, etc, attend with gusto the first few weeks, brag about how well we’re doing, find a reason not to go one night, and then never attend again while still paying the monthly dues because we just know we’re going to go back but don’t. Then, three months later I do the walk of shame into the gym to cancel my membership and, despite my urge to write down something obnoxiously creaitve in the “reason for cancelling” box, mark “lack of use.”
It’s a shameful process but one that we have repeated time and again and, I’m sure, will repeat as the years go on and my once slender frame gets ever softer. Plus, everybody runs. Well, maybe not everybody, but you can’t get on Facebook without seeing picture of people at marathon finish lines or bragging about the 7 miles they just ran that morning. I have all the respect in the world for those people but A) shut up! You’re making me feel lazy(er), and B) if everyone is doing it then I won’t feel as special. Yes, I’m really this much of an attention whore. Exercise is a no-go.
Woodworking
Woodworking you say? Where the hell did that come from? Well, my grandfather was a bit of a woodworker. In fact, there is furniture in both my house and my sister’s house that was constructed by the late great Kenny Hopfinger. My father, while not a furniture maker, is very handy with tools himself and can fix/construct anything that he wants to. Me? I have all the tools in the world including a table saw, a circular saw, a router, and seven hammers. Yes, seven hammers. There are many more tools in my workshop (yes, I even have a workshop)but I couldn’t tell you what half of them are for. And what is the only thing I’ve ever made with any of those tools? I made a stool for Ben to stand on when he brushes his teeth. It’s not a bad stool and I am actually a little proud of it, but I’m just waiting for the day I hear the boy crumble into a bloody, crying heap on the bathroom floor because my shoddy craftsmanship was less than stellar. Plus, hardware is expensive. On top of that, my workshop is attached to my non air-conditioned garage and carries an average temperature of about 107 degrees in the summertime and -4 in the winter. Woodworking is not going to happen.
Baking
I don’t mind baking as long as my friends Betty Crocker or Duncan Hines are involved, but baking would lead to taste testing and taste testing would lead to weight gain and weight gain would lead to me looking in the mirror more often than every couple of years and deciding that I need to join a gym which we’re already covered. Baking is out.
Puzzles
I enjoy making puzzles. I don’t enjoy the cat or the boy running away with a piece of it which is never to be found again. Plus, not even in my desperate clamoring for attention could I call someone and say “Hey, you’ve got to see this puzzle I just finished - with one piece missing. It’s wicked awesome!” On a side note, I’ve decided that I’m going to start saying “wicked awesome” more often. Puzzle making is out.
Sports/Athletics
I played on a softball team about 13 years ago where my season of record-breaking infield pop-ups was miraculously cut short by the breaking of my hand on a close play at home plate. No, I wasn’t running the bases but instead was relegated to playing catcher as that is about the max that my athletic ability allows. While I did get the guy out, I certainly didn’t rush back to the team once I was healed. Last summer I stumbled into playing for another softball team by pure accident. I was there to watch my buddy Jeff, they were short a player and asked if I’d step in, so I did and ended up going 5 for 6 and was asked to join the team permanently. I don’t know how that happened as that feat has certainly not repeated itself. On Thursdays I now show up with full knowledge that I’ll be playing catcher and batting last. It’s not pretty and nobody even comes to watch us play which means I don’t get any attention. This will be my last summer of softball.
Male gigolo
While I could TOTALLY pull this off, the wife might have something to say about it. If anybody is interested, however, give her a holler. Maybe you and she can work something out.
I was going to write that I come cheap in the most innocent of connotations, but it just sounded SUPER dirty so I decided not to include it. You’re welcome.
Writing a book
I would love to write a book, but I have nothing to write about. I’m not a novelist nor do I want to sit in front of a computer goofing around all day (those who follow me on Facebook will laugh heartily at that). My only chance of writing a book is if I printed out all of my blogs and three-hole punched them into a binder. Viola – my book. I doubt highly someone wants to read 300 pages of my by then outdated Randumb Thoughts. If I can’t take the time to spit out drivel like this on more than a bi-monthly basis, why would I think I could take the time to write an entire book? Plus, my writing style is too immature for adults and too adult-like for kids. I could aim for the tweens, but I have no desire to write about wizards, vampires, or zombies. After that, I’m pretty sure that Beverly Cleary has covered the rest.
Also, writing a book involves sending your book to a publisher and getting rejected countless times. Even if your book is published, you have to go through the editing process and I am not going to deal with someone telling me how I should write something. I’m sure that my writing could be enhanced by such feedback, but if I really cared about that I’d proofread my blogs before publishing them. Or, maybe I do proofread them but leave just enough mistakes to make Chris Reed have a brain hemmorage…
Brew my own beer
Now here’s a hobby I could sink my liver into. I think it would be wicked awesome (see?) to brew my own beer but I’m not a patient man. It takes a while for the brewing process to complete and I’m an instant gratification kind of a guy. I don’t want to be sitting outside on the deck thinking “boy, that beer sure is going to be tasty in three weeks.” I’d rather go into the fridge, grab myself an ice-cold Stag, and enjoy the frosty goodness that it provides on the spot. Plus, I have a sponsorship agreement with Stag that prohibits me from making my own beer and/or mentioning any other beer by name.
*the thoughts and opinions in this blog are solely the views of this author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Stag Brewery or any of its subsidiaries*
So, as you can see, there’s not a lot left. Maybe I’ll just go back to my Playstation. Maybe I’ll plant – and not water - a garden. Maybe I’ll join a bunch of adult websites and write critiques of their movies. Maybe I’ll just go back to the housework I should be doing instead of plopping my ass on the couch and staring at the TV every night. No matter what I decide to do, however, please know that whenever I screw up or make an ass of myself (which is often) you will know as I will embellish the hell out of it and write it down on this blog just for my attention-getting pleasure.
Thanks for reading
