Randumb Thoughts – The OMFG it’s 105 degrees outside and I need something to read while I’m stuck inside editionI’ve been taking Metrolink to and from work for the past few months and it definitely has its pros and cons. Sure, I’m saving money on gas and the expense of parking downtown, but at what cost? The money I’m saving there is being spent on laundry detergent, body wash, air freshener, cologne, mothballs, deer urine, and anything else I can use to get the smell of public transportation off of me and my clothes. In fact, I think I may be even more in the hole now than I was before. And it’s a smelly, smelly hole.
I’ve had my 1993 Buick LeLuxury for about 5 years now and this past May I finally decided to have the air conditioning serviced. Normally, I really don’t need to have the air on as I’m more than fine with leaving the windows open and having the wind blow through my hair (singular), but for longer trips with the boy and the wife in the car I like to make sure that they are as comfortable as they can possibly be. The day I had it serviced at a national chain that rhymes with Hiffy Hube it worked great and I could freeze the nuts off a polar bear if need be. About two weeks after that, however, it suddenly stopped working again. I was pissed but because it’s usually just me in the car and the weather had been beautiful I didn’t worry too much about getting it fixed right away. With a trip to the Ozarks and the hot months of a Midwest summer approaching though, I figured that I’d better take it back to Hiffy Hube and have them look at it. After they looked at it for two hours they determined that they couldn’t determine anything without an owner’s manual and asked if I had it. An owner’s manual? Really? I can’t find the thing that just flew out of my mouth when I sneezed two seconds ago much less an owner’s manual from a 19 year old car that I may never have even gotten in the first place. Looks like LeLuxury may be a little less luxurious this summer.
I want to see Ted. My buddy Jeff wants to see Magic Mike. I was going to make a joke here about his lack of masculinity for wanting to see a movie with a bunch of muscular guys in their underwear writhing around for the enjoyment of millions of women, but then I remembered that for the past 27 years I’ve been an avid viewer of muscular guys in their underwear writhing around for the enjoyment of millions of men on a weekly basis in the form of professional wrestling. Still though, Magic Mike is stupid.
Obamacare passed and I feel obligated to say something about it. That was the something I’m going to say about Obamacare passing.
Last weekend the wife, the sister, and I treated my parents to a weekend at the Lake of the Ozarks for their 40th wedding anniversary. I was going to write an entire blog about it but my blogs are usually only funny if I’m miserable, drunk, or puking. Well, I was definitely one of the three after the late nights spent out of the deck looking over the water while downing a few (a lot of) ice cold Stags but, truth be told, I had a fantastic time. My family is amazing and I hope to do it again next year and the year after that. We may have to make different sleeping arrangements though as I don’t think my sister, who the wife and I shared a loft with, will ever recover from me drunkenly jumping on my bed at 2:00 am or the sounds I was making with my mouth that definitely sounded like I was doing something very popular with teenage boys just discovering their bodies. I’m an awesome brother!!!
Friday is “jeans day” at my office. Didn’t know if you knew that or not.
My last Randumb Thoughts was based on my new iPhone which I was overwhelmingly addicted to at the time. Well, I can say the honeymoon is definitely over. The notifications annoy me and come on at the most inopportune times, I constantly have new words to make or old apps to upgrade, and I think that dime-store hooker Siri is cheating on me. The other day I asked her for directions and she replied with “What have you done for me lately, Hawkfinger?” At least she’s still calling me Hawkfinger. Respect.
So, my buddy Chris is up for a position as a columnist at http://www.insidestl.com/. Some of you may already be familiar with Chris and say “doesn’t he already write for them?” Well, yes he does, among other places, but this column is a little different in that it is every writer’s dream job. No, it’s not the topic or the forum that makes it the dream job; it’s the one thing that every hack “writer” such as myself dreams of – it pays money!!! Chris is one of four finalists who have had to submit three articles this week to be posted on the website and judged by the readers and the owner of the site. I have supported Chris through this process to the point where I have even been called out (basically he told me to go gently make love to myself) by, honestly, the only other viable candidate besides Chris. Please, if you want to stop reading my horseshit blog and would like to read a real writer, go to http://www.insidestl.com/ right now, read Chris’s stuff, and comment on it so that the judges know what you think. If you like the other guy’s stuff better, that’s fine, but you will be dead to me.
Seriously, dead.
The boy and I are going to make Ice Pops tonight. I had totally forgotten about this summertime delicacy from years ago but last night at Target the wife came across the little things that you pour the kool-aid into prior to putting them in your freezer so that a few hours later you can eat frozen kool-aid. Yeah, that’s right, technical talk. Anyways, we decided to buy them and, as I was informed earlier this morning while talking to the wife, the boy plans on making them this evening. I guess that means I plan on making them this evening too. This is gonna be awesome.
Speaking of the boy, I was reading him a Berenstein Bears book the other night when he came across a picture of Mama Bear talking to Grizzly Gran on the telephone. At that point the boy looked at me and laughed. I asked what he was laughing about and he pointed to the landline telephone with the cord hanging out of the wall and said “those phones look funny.” Wow. We don’t have an active landline in our house so I spent the next 5 minutes explaining that people weren’t always able to take their phone with them wherever they went. I talked about cell phones and how they’ve changed over the years and am pretty sure I even threw in a reference to the Zack Morris block phone from the old SBTB days. Finally, I had to get him out of bed and take him to the basement to show him the old dusty rotary phone that is still wired up but is totally useless in our basement. Bottom line, he couldn’t have cared less. I think it was just another ploy to be able to stay up a little later. He’s a clever little fart.
Lastly, I tried reading “Fifty Shades of Gray.” I couldn’t do it. I was even challenged by the great Wendy Bradley (there, you got your mention) to finish reading it, no matter how uncomfortable it made me, and write a blog about exactly how uncomfortable it made me. At that point I considered the challenge, read one more chapter about BJs in bathtubs and how hot this guy was and how she had to give herself to him and I just couldn’t take it anymore. It felt too weird seeing all of that from the perspective of a woman. Now, had it been a Penthouse Forum it would have been totally different because that’s written by dudes with dudes in mind. But this was girlish and I felt like a pervert or a stalker seeing it all from a woman’s point of view. I guess that’s why I’d rather watch the half-naked professional wrestlers than the half-naked strippers in Magic Mike. Now, if Magic Mike wants to go ape-shit with a steel chair on some of the other dude’s heads, then we can start talking. Until then…
Thanks for reading.
As always, read if you want, laugh if you can, share if you did.
