For some reason, the chorus of the Gotye song Somebody That I Used to Know reminds me of Michael Jacksons backing vocals in the Rockwell smash hit of the 80s Somebody's Watching Me .
Can you believe that it’s been 10 years since Lisa ‘’Left Eye” Lopez has been dead? Lisa Lopez. TLC. You know, Left Eye? Yeah, I couldn’t give a crap either.
One thing I can give a crap about is my new iPhone 4s. Anybody who’s been around me is already sick of hearing about it and watching me do stupid things with it, but I’m okay with that. This is probably the first piece of technology that I’ve ever bought while the commercials are still airing (ohhhh, Zooey D.) instead of two years and seventy-three upgrades later. The best part about it is that there’s this woman living inside of my phone that I can tell what to do and she does it. Her name is Siri. She calls me Hawkfinger. I’m pretty sure we’re in love.
For all potential iPhone 4s purchasers, Siri will not search for the following topics:
Big Boobs
Large Boobs
Huge Boobs
Ginormous Boobs
Cantastic Melons
Jugs o Fun
Hot n Sweaty Shirtless Black Firemen
Sweater Meat
I’ve also tried others that are not necessarily suitable for print but, rest assured, Siri won’t find those either. She must be the jealous type.
I am currently in week 3 of my St Louis Blues playoff beard. It looks scraggly, has way too much white (not grey, white) hairs and is already way too long for my liking. Being a team player though, I am willing to weather the storm for the next 7 months of playoff hockey and let this thing grow until the Blues bring home Lord Stanley’s Cup. LGB!!!
Yes, I spelled grey with an “e.” Thinking about becoming British.
So, I go into the family room the other night to check on my freshly-turned five year old son because I heard him singing and I wanted to see what he was singing about. What I found was him sitting there with all of his Fischer Price Imaginext superheroes lined up in perfect choir formation performing a concert. I’m not sure of the names of the songs, but the lyrics ranged from “because you throw pumpkins” to “you can’t fly but you can ride in Batman’s car because you can fit.” I’m not sure if he’s ready for Broadway but his Darth Vader and Stormtrooper figurines sure seemed to enjoy it.
Did I mention I got an iPhone 4s?
While, um, “going” the other day at work I decided to play with my new iPhone 4s to see what kind of bells and whistles it came with. Through this investigation I was able to determine with the help of my compass feature that when I make poo at work I am facing due north. DUE FREAKING NORTH!!! Who knew? The benefits of modern technology…
I tweeted that last randumb thought earlier in the week but apparently none of the fifteen porn stars, corporations, and advertising companies that follow me cared to comment on it. Or read it. My existence on Twitter is about as noticeable as that cheeseburger in the Hardees commercial with Kate Upton. Yes, she was holding a cheeseburger.
The Kardashians apparently just signed a $40MM deal to star in three more seasons of Keeping Up With the Kardashians. $40MM. And it all started because Kim’s old boyfriend videotaped them having sex, published it, and now her whole family’s cashing in. I’m not saying my sister should degrade herself by doing something like that, but $40MM is $40MM. Help a brother out!
Why don’t the guys in the celebrity sex tapes ever hit the jackpot? For the most part they’re the ones doing all the work.
My softball season started last night and it almost ended just as quickly. Due to my team trying to make the game fairer for our opponents they often bat me last and have me play catcher so that my mad skills don’t dominate the entire game. While I was catching one of the other team’s batters swung as hard as he could and fouled the ball straight back. Not up in the air, but straight back. Less than a foot above my head. Had I had hair, I would now have less. Luckily though, my instincts took over and I was able to flip my right leg around to kick the ball into the air, run towards the backstop and up the fence, do a double back flip off the fence, land in a perfect splits, and catch the ball prior to it hitting the ground with a pair of chopsticks that I had stored in my socks just in case this very opportunity presented itself. Three outs. Boo-yah!
That really happened. Check the replay.
Okay, more cute kid crap. Since Ben had his birthday last week he had a little bit of birthday money that he wanted to spend on toys. We went on the Fischer Price site and found a bunch of the superhero figures that he didn’t have yet (believe me, he know exactly which ones he has and which ones he needs and will make you very aware of both of those facts at any given time). I explained the whole process with ordering things online and that even though it was Sunday, we might not get the toys for another week or so. He seemed to understand that until about an hour later when he asked if his toy delivery was there yet. After explaining the process to him AGAIN, he finally seemed to get it. Thankfully, when he and Carol got home yesterday the package was at the house and he was able to play with his new toys. He was ecstatic. The best part is that when I got done playing softball last night I had a text from Mrs. Hawkfinger that Ben “couldn’t believe he got his toy delivery today.” His toy delivery. Not his toys, but his toy delivery. That may only be cute to Carol and me, but you’re reading my blog so you’re going to have to put up with crap like that. Deal with it.
I just remembered that I had a conversation with Carol last night where I agreed to rent a cabin next weekend in Grafton, IL so that we wouldn’t have to drive home after her cousin’s wedding reception. I also just remembered that it wouldn’t be just us in the cabin, but Benjamin too. Oh boy, more is coming back to me now. Apparently, it won’t just be Carol, Ben, and I but also Carol’s sister, her husband, and their three children.
Eight of us.
In a cabin.
Together.
And not one of us has what you’d call an “inside voice.”
I REALLY need to stop answering my phone after I’ve had a few Stags. Or maybe it was all a dream…?
Nope, just got an email confirmation from the wife. Damn you Stag!!!!
So Carol and I have been catching up on the series Mad Men and I have to say that I love it. It’s nice to be reminded of a time when a woman knew her place in society. Look pretty, make me a drink, feed me, make me another drink, sleep with me, and shut up. I think I’m about 95% of the way there in training Carol to be just like that. Wait, did I say 95%? I meant .00000000000000000095%. She’s a feisty one.
One last thing. After getting my iPhone 4s (did I mention that I got an iPhone 4s?) I asked my friends on Facebook for a list of must-have apps. I got some good suggestions that I’ve downloaded but one in particular intrigued me. I was informed that there were apps that could be used as *ahem* “personal massagers” for women. My curiosity being what it is I immediately went out and downloaded a few to see what they were like. After trying them though, I began to think about it. Yes, this would be a great toy to have if you’re into that kind of thing, but it’s a phone. People out there are using their phones to pleasure themselves and them talk on them. I know they’re touch screens, but isn’t that pushing the envelope a bit? Makes you think twice about borrowing someone phone now doesn’t it? It also makes my discovery of facing due north while I poo a little less disgusting.
Seriously though, due north? Amazing!!
Thanks for reading and to any ladies kinky enough to download the vibrator apps, you’re welcome.
