No, I haven't posted a blog in a long time. In fact, this year has been pretty pathetic when it comes to both quantity and quality of blogs. The truth is, I've just been really busy. So busy, in fact, that I've been able to list the top 72 reasons I haven't been blogging so that you can get a better idea of just how complicated my life is. If you don't understand after reading this list, then I'm afraid you never will.
72 Reasons I Haven’t Been Blogging
1) The economy
2) Protesting the fact that no one has demanded that I up the ante and try to
drink 120 shots of beer in two hours
3) I’ve actually been working
4) Depressed that since Lindasy Lohan has seemingly cleaned up her act that she’s not in the news as much anymore
5) Even more depressed that I consider TMZ to be “the news”
6) It was too hot over the summer
7) Been really busy trying to extract this popcorn kernel from my back teeth
8) Was once told that if I can’t say anything nice, not to say anything at all
9) Been working on this fantastic joke: Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo drizzle!
10) Been trying to explain to a handful of people why that joke is funny
11) Obama
12) Well, not really Obama because it’s mostly carryover from Bush
13) But then again, Obama
14) PlayStation 3
15) Looked for the proof in the pudding and got a stomach ache after around 17 snack packs
16) I’m pretty damn lazy
17) Bin Laden was hiding all of my story ideas in his compound in Afghanistan and now I can’t get them back
18) Too busy stalking porn stars on Facebook
19) Too busy stalking porn stars on Twitter
20) Too busy deleting the history on my home and work CPUs to hide all of the
evidence
21) Waiting for rigor mortis to set in
22) Was taking a smoke break
23) Took the dog for a walk
24) Too devastated by the fact that they’re cancelling all of the daytime soap operas and replacing them with mindless programming
25) Listening to all of my records backwards hoping to hear messages from the devil
26) Cocaine is a hell of a drug
27) Ate White Castle after my last blog in June and have been scared to leave the bathroom
28) A bug laid eggs in the back of my throat while I was sleeping
29) My feet were cold
30) Been spending countless hours meditating in an attempt to fully comprehend the deep philosophical meanings behind the glorious words of Snooki in her book “A Shore Thing”
31) Had a long sneezing fit from eating cheese
32) Spent a few months contemplating a return to the world of male modeling, but figured that I’d better stay retired to give the young guys a shot
33) Discovered the snooze button on my alarm clock
34) Two words: Hillbilly Handfishing
35) Spent a few months in the hospital recovering from the injuries sustained when I DID stop believing and Steve Perry came over and kicked my ass
36) Busy watching the Cubs dominate the NL this season
37) Spent a lot of time hanging out with Julio down by the schoolyard
38) Tried to see John Cena, but just couldn’t do it
39) Busy trying to figure out why I spend five seconds in the morning using a towel to dry my non-existent hair
40) Spent 18 hours in the chair at the tattoo parlor getting the final touches done on my perfect tattoo: A giant winged dragon breathing fire on a spider monkey that’s dry humping a statue of the baby Jesus
41) Spent five minutes trying to convince myself that it would be acceptable to write that simply because it’s not the REAL baby Jesus, but only a statue
42) Spent another 15 minutes laughing at the concept that it would be acceptable either way
43) Spent another 30 minutes on top of that preparing myself for an afterlife of eternal damnation
44) Ate some bad shellfish
45) Busy picking out a massive wedgie
46) Wrote my wedding vows only to discover that I was about 6 years too late
47) Got stuck looking at my world famous sweet, sweet ass in the mirror
48) Was told my epidermis was showing and spent an embarrassingly excessive amount of time trying to find it
49) Went on a world tour with Crunk Whitey
50) In an effort to live up to my father’s reputation as a lawn general, began cutting my entire lawn using nothing but a pair of nail trimmers
51) Put a camouflage cover on my laptop and couldn’t find it for three weeks
52) Had to perfect my wizard costume for the opening night midnight showing of the final installment of the Harry Potter movies
53) Was crying over spilt milk
54) Putting the finishing touches on my new gangsta rap album where I discuss the trials and tribulations of working in an air-conditioned office while sorting through varous staks of paperwork
55) Super busy being awesome
56) Worked day and night on a compromise to the NFL labor dispute
57) Took up canning my own vegetables and got distracted at the computer after googling “big cans”
58) Busy writing letters to Dancing With the Stars after they declined my audition tape which included a rousing rendition of me doing the truffle shuffle
59) Put the cart before the horse and all hell broke loose
60) Competed in Nathans Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest but was disqualified after blowing burps at my fellow contestants
61) Found Waldo AND Carmen Sandiego together - and spent months working on a viable alibi for both
62) Tried hand-writing a personal letter to all of my Facebook friends only to discover that I have no clue who half of them are
63) Angry freaking birds
64) Painted the entire interior of my house using a paint-by-numbers paint brush
65) Sometimes I felt like a nut, sometimes I didn’t
66) Rediscovered Shrinky Dinks
67) Spent some time in jail after sneaking over to my parent’s old house at night to try and dig up all of my old Hot Wheels that I had buried in the yard as a child
68) Showered using Axe shower gel and spent countless nights at clubs waiting for women to throw themselves at me only to discover that “Craptastic” is not an alluring scent
69) Tee-hee!
70) Spent an hour tonight trying to come up with at least 69 reasons so that I could use the “tee-hee” for that number
71) Too busy teaching Ben why nipples get hard when it’s cold and why “penising” (the act of pouring a cup of water of your genitals while you’re in the bathtub and then using the cup as a sort of penis hat) is not really a word.
72) Too busy trying to get Carol to come into the bathroom while I’m showering to show her this new cool game that Ben taught me called penising
Take care, and thanks for reading.
