I Am Batman

Up until last night, I thought that my only fear in the animal kingdom was snakes. I’m okay seeing them on TV and at the zoo, but if you get one of those little guys slithering on the ground anywhere near me it’s best that you just move out of my way because I will run you down on my way to whatever safe haven is in the vicinity. The good news is that I don’t see a lot of snakes where I live and there’s very little chance of me going into the jungle anytime soon, so it’s a good possibility that I won’t encounter one for quite awhile. Given that, I feel quite comfortable that there aren’t many things that I will run into during a given day that will give me the willies or make me scream.

That is until last night when I was viciously attacked by bats.

I’ve seen bats before and they haven’t scared me. Of course those bats were on my television screen and there was a layer of glass preventing them from flying through and gnawing my face off. I’ve also seen a bat at my buddy Jarrod’s house as he had a swimming pool and there always seemed to be one flying overhead. That bat creeped me out a little, but for some reason, I was okay with it. I don’t know why things are different now, but they just are.

We first noticed the bats a few weeks ago as Carol and I were sitting out on the deck enjoying the night air with a few cold beers. We had just put Ben to bed and the sun was beginning to settle into the night sky. It wasn’t dark yet, but the sun wasn’t near as bright as it could have been either. As we were talking, Carol calmly mentioned that there was a bat flying overhead. At first I didn’t believe her because a: we don’t live in a cave, and b: we don’t have a swimming pool (everything I know is learned from TV or past experience therefore those are the only two areas in the world that bats can reside). As I looked up, however, I saw the little guy fluttering around in its nimbly-pimbly way dipping and diving this way and that. I wasn’t scared at that moment, but I did become a little uncomfortable. As I shifted in my seat, Carol pointed out that there was another one, and soon after that, another. That made a total of three bats and they were flying directly above my house.

No sir, I didn’t like it.

I’m not sure why, but those things really creeped me out. Maybe it was their haphazard way of flying. Maybe it was the fact that they seemed to be flying over my house which convinced me that we were their next target. Or maybe it was the fact that all I could picture in my mind was this bat with HUGE fangs flying up to my face with it’s wings spread wide and delving it’s little claws into my eyes thereby ripping them out and wasting all of that money we spent on my Lasik. I quickly began urging Carol to finish her beer so that we could go inside, but she took her time becuase they didn’t phase her at all.

She could tell that I was a little uneasy, which made her very happy, and she continued to sip at her beer and relax in the comfortable summer air. She then began telling me how her father and her used to sit out on their back deck and remain as quiet and still as possible as swarms of bats flew overhead. She knew this gave me the heebie-jeebies, but didn’t stop because my discomfort is her pleasure. Eventually I convinced her to come inside and that was it for the bats. As far as I was concerned they were just visiting that one night and I wouldn’t ever see them again.

Nope.

After I put Ben to bed last night I went out on the deck to enjoy some fresh air. As usual, the dog followed me out and began her laps around the back yard. As I lit my stick of fresh air, I looked up at what I assumed was a drunk bird flying haphazardly in the sky (which are fairly common in my neighborhhod), but after a closer look I realized what it really was. There, flying up and around my house, was another bat. Now, I had read in the paper recently that bats are out in full force this year and to make sure that your pets were up to date on all of their shots. I wasn’t sure if Tina was up to date as the veterinarian’s constant stream of postcards usually go unread, but I didn’t want to take any chances so I called her up to me.

As she ran to my side, I noticed a second bat chasing the first bat around. Now, I’m no Steve Irwin, but I’m of the impression that if something is chasing something else, it’s more than likely because it wants to eat it. Given that train of thought, if these little bastards are chasing their own kind trying to eat it, what is going to stop it from diving down and ripping my ears off as an appetizer?

Here comes the problem.

I was getting really creeped out and wanted to go back inside, but I only had one cigarette to last me the entire night and I had just lit it. I could have put it out and smoked it later, but there was no chance in hell that I was going to go out there once it got dark and I couldn’t even see the flying rats as they dove down in an attempt to eat my face. I decided that no matter how uncomfortable I was, I would stick it out and just keep a close eye on them to ensure the safety of both Tina and myself.

While I sucked at that cigarette as if I were going to find gold at the end of it, I noticed that there were now three bats in the quickly darkening evening sky. For the most part they stayed in the same vicinity continuously diving after each other in an attempt to devour the other’s brains, but occasionally one would separate and it would be a few seconds before I could locate it again. I would get a little freaked out until I had them all in my sights, but once I did I could breathe a little easier.

I was now about halfway done with my cigarette and I figured that within two minutes I’d be back inside the house in the safety of my living room watching Monday Night Raw (Monday is wrestling night at my house. Has been for years and probably always will be). As I looked down to make sure that I wasn’t ashing my cigarette on the dog, I took my eyes off of the bats. Apparently, they had been waiting for this exact moment to occur as when I looked up they had all disappeared. I began to panic a little before I caught some movement out of the corner of my eye, looked up, and quickly caught sight of two of the bats again.

But there were only two.

I looked over the entire sky trying to find that third bat, but I couldn’t find it anywhere. The two remaining bats hovered in one area seemingly taunting me because they knew that I was getting freaked out by the absence of the third bat. I looked up and down and left and right, but that third one was nowhere to be found. Then, before I even knew what was happening, I looked to the right again just in time to see the third bat dive-bombing me in an attempt to bite my neck, suck my blood, and turn me into an odd looking British vampire with a not so attractive and very annoying girlfriend.

I didn’t scream, but did duck just in time for it to miss me by about 20 feet (much closer than you’d think). I threw my cigarette down, ran to the door, opened it, got the dog inside, and slammed the door all in about 0.3 seconds. Once inside, I saw all three of the little bastards fluttering up there in what appeared to be a type of victory dance. Oh yes, they were taunting me.

A very, very, very small part of me wanted to go back out there and fight the little guys, but I was very ill prepared. I can not fly and even if I could, my size would prevent me from being as nimble and agile as the much smaller flying mammals. Additionally, I am assuming that these are vampire bats so I wasn’t sure when they might be turning into their human form with their superhuman strength and speed leaving me defenseless against their uber powers.

That’s why today, I have been on a desperate search to locate Edgar and Alan Frog whose business was documented in the biographical “The Lost Boys.” These guys know their vampires and they know their bats. I fully expect to spend the next few evenings out on my back deck armed with garlic, holy water, and wooden stakes. I will not let these airborne rodents win this battle. I can not. This is my back yard and I am going to take it back. It may be messy and it will be painful – but only for them. With the Frog brothers at my side we will defeat the winged warriors and take back what is rightfully mine. They have messed with the wrong guy.

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