This is dedicated to Erin. Ask and you shall receive.
It had been a long season of touring for the Hayes Boys and Herb was getting a bit bored. For the past 6 months he and the band had been playing every Saturday night at various chicken and beer dances, birthday parties, and retirement home singles nights. And every night they played the same polka hits time and time again. It was now entering Octoberfest season and if Herb was going to make it through another two months of this grueling schedule, something was going to have to change.
He had entertained the idea of quitting or at least taking some time off, but he knew that ever since the horrific death by Tuba at the Shriners parade of their original lead singer, accordion player, and patriarch John Hayes two years ago, the Hayes Boys had had a difficult time replacing him. It wasn’t until they had discovered Herb in his original polka band Herbie and the Herbstreet Herbcats that they had found what they were looking for. Since that time, some of the other Hayes Boys had retired or passed on, but Herb had remained, knowing how important he was to the band.
But if he couldn’t take any time off, he knew that something would have to change. Something would have to be drastically different. He finally decided that rather than go on feeling trapped, he would gather the two remaining original Hayes boys, John Hayes and John Hayes, and have a conversation regarding the monotony of their schedule.
As per usual, John and John arrived together (smelling oddly of marijuana and Schlitz) and sat down at the VFW hall bar right next to Herb. Herb began “Boys, you know I appreciate everything you’ve done for me and I really love playing with the Hayes Boys, but I’ve gotta say, I’m getting a little worn out. All we do is play the same polka songs – and let’s face it, they all sound the same – every rootin’ tootin’ week, and quite frankly it’s boring me to tears.”
“Oh” said John.
“I see” said John.
“What I guess I’m getting at fellas,” said Herb with a bit of uncertainty “is I think we need to change it up a bit.”
“Oh” said John.
“I see” said John.
“Well,” said Herb “do you have any ideas?”
John and John looked back and forth at one another a few times, giggled a bit, and then ordered a beer each. After a few minutes of waiting for a response, Herb asked them again, “Well?”
“Well what?” asked John
“Yeah, what?” said John
“Ideas! Do you have any ideas?” Herb repeated.
“For what?” asked John
“Where’s are the damn pretzels?” asked John.
Disgusted, Herb was ready to walk out of the VFW to his 1993 Buick Lesabre and go home never to think about the band again, but as is normal with anyone his age, he had to use the bathroom first. After numerous attempts to get a steady stream going without the burning sensation that he’d had since his tour of duty in Korea, Herb finally finished and exited the restroom.
Upon his exit from the bathroom, Herb was greeted by a joyous “Herb!”
As he looked around, the only other people in the VFW were John Hayes and John Hayes. Although he had just spoken with them 5 minutes ago, they reacted as if he had just gotten there and greeted him as such. After a few handshakes and “how ya doin’ you old fart” comments, Herb bellied back up to the bar to continue/begin his conversation with them.
“Herb,” said John. “We’ve been talking.”
“Yeah, “ said John “we think our act is getting a little stale and we need to change it up a bit.”
Herb looked at them in astonishment. “That’s what I was just saying to you not five minutes ago” he replied. “Do you not remember me sitting here and talking to you?”
“Herb, you old con artist” said John.
“Always trying to pull one over on us,” said John.
“Anyway,” said John “we were thinking about making a change. Now, we’ve discussed a few different things we can do, but we’re gonna leave the final decision up to you.”
“So the way we see it,” said John, “is that we need to do something to get this shindig hopping. We want something that is going to get the kids talking about us.”
“Yeah,” said John. “Dad always wanted to get more kids at our shows but he didn’t know how.”
“Oh great!” said John with tears welling in his eyes. “Why’d you have to bring up Dad? Now you’re going to get me crying.”
“Well,” said John “you’d better not start crying because then I’m gonna start crying. And you know darn well that Dad never wanted us to cry.”
“There you go bringing up his name again” said John, tears now streaming down his cheeks. “If it weren’t for that damn careless tuba player, poor old Dad would be sitting here right next to us enjoying this beer."
“To Dad,” said John, raising his glass.
“To Dad,” said John, raising his glass in turn and toasting his brother.
Herb looked on in amazement. He had dealt with John and John a lot over the past two years and had seen this scenario play out before. Any mere mention of their father and his untimely passing was sure to bring about tears and drinking and cursing of the tuba player who they blamed for prematurely ending his life. And inevitably, they would end up telling the story.
“Why did they have to place us so close to that high school marching band?” asked John to no one particular.
“Those young kids don’t even know how to handle their instruments,” said John to the same no one.
“If only Dad could’ve held off peeing until the next break, then he might still be with us”
“But you know Dad’s bladder. If it wasn’t being filled, it was being emptied.”
“To Dad”
“To Dad”
“How in the world does a bird fly into a tuba”
“You’d think that the noise from the parade would’ve scared the damn thing away, but nooo, this one had to fly right into that young boy’s instrument.”
“If that had been me and my tuba, I would’ve simply turned it upside down and tried to shake it out.”
"You don't even play the tuba and you know that."
“Even so, I don’t get how anybody could have the lung strength to blow a live bird out of a musical instrument at that velocity”
“And with such precision too. Poor Dad, died of a bird beak to the heart. He deserved a much better fate.”
“To Dad!”
“To Dad!”
The tears were now flowing and John Hayes and John Hayes were holding each other in a brotherly embrace.
“I still watch Fat Albert all of the time,” said John. “It was Dad’s favorite show.”
“Well you should,” said John. “It’s a fantastic show chronicling the adversities of African American children growing up in a financially strapped urban environment. Although it was there for comedic value, it also spoke wonders of the problems in American society and how the African American culture had to deal with it. It was well ahead of its time as both a comedy and a social essay.”
“Dad just liked the opening,” said John.
Growing tired of this conversation between John and John, Herb paid his tab and walked out of the VFW. He loved being a part of the Hayes Boys but knew that this would be his last tour. After the Octoberfest portion of their schedule, he was going to hang up his accordion and relax for awhile. Maybe, if he was lucky, he may even go to a few Hayes Boys shows and possibly meet a girl of his own to polka with. It had been a long time, but he was sure he was still up to the task.
But, before that he had business to take care of. Herb decided what he needed to do in order to change things up, thank the Hayes Boys for letting him be a part of their life, and pay tribute to the original John Hayes for the wonderful band that he had put together.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XtmuXWCFQzE
And of course, after the song, John Hayes and John Hayes cried.
Hey Hey Hey!!
Thanks for the link Jamers.
And thanks for reading.
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